Poetry / Sold Out (Analysis)

I didn’t understand some of the lines in this poem. What does

‘I was the one that was the one’ mean? I don’t understand.
Work on your clarity. Good job though!

Dark, but I loved it because I think we all feel as if we’ve sold out at times. Great work!

Someone once said if y’ou’re willing to through something away for someone, then they throw you away, then they never truly owned you’re heart, so don’t fret about it.’
‘waisted’ is ‘wasted’.
‘I was the one that was the one
Even a blind man can see’
If you ever feel like you need to write more along these lines then I suggest you read Antigone and Oedipus, you young sophist.

Your poem of anguish & contradiction does have a couple of interesting lines that you could use for a sequel.  ’Even a blind man can see’ & ‘Can I face me Glaring in a mirror.’ Now what is it that the blind see internally? Something similar to what we all see with eyes closed probably. With eyes closed other faculties are sharpened & the mind mirror can reflect other possibilities & options.  

Really liked this.  Not sure who the character is and that’s one reason why I like it: I think there are many people who can relate to this for many different reasons.  I don’t know if you meant for the first few lines to rhyme, but I like that the rest doesn’t.

The structure of this piece made it read broken. I’m not sure if that made much sense, but the line breaks make it seem jumpy, like a sharp breath in the middle. As far as rhyming goes, it doesn’t seem forced, and that is a good achievement, but you could make some use of a spell-checker (just don’t forget to manually proofread as well—computers can’t catch everything.)

A very impressive poem because it manages to do so many things together.
1) It points out very successfully what the speaker has suffered, and what he is suffering. He has even undergone some kind of moral degradation for the sake of the beloved, perhaps.
2) Keeps the thought of the poem reasonably vague so that it saves itself from being merely poetry of statement rather than poetry of suggestion.
3) Makes effective use of several literary devices like rhyme, half rhyme, repetition, etc., with none of these becoming glaringly palpable.
4) Voices contemporary disgust with oneself. The poem is very much in keeping with today’s poetry.
Perhaps the last stanza could be a little stronger.

“Selling out
Not how I wanted
I’m forever taunted
By those before me
I was the one that was the one
Even a blind man can see”

The repetition of “was the one” could be done away with.
The change in tense in the last line is also a little off putting.
The poem is indeed successful and needs to be perfect with a few minor changes.
I want to see more of your work.

This speaks so loudly of modern society in general.  It’s not even so much a product of diminishing morality as a simple lack of respect.  There is always someone that considers themself your ‘higher-up’ be it at work, in a circle of friends, in a family, in a relationship, and most of the time anymore, they only care about their own selfish agenda.  It’s like Darwinism gone totally wrong.

I’m not sure if that’s what you’re actually writing about, but that’s how I related to it, that feeling of ‘selling out’ coming from the constant need (and not even that…more like ‘expectance’) to conform to the wishes of others no matter how rediculous.

In the technical department, you seem to use line breaks for your pauses, which is fine.  I’ve read poems that didn’t even use capitalization—no one ever said they required grammar.  But it is still useful to keep in mind that commas provide a pause, as well, within a line or at the end.  That is all up to you in how you want it to flow.

Hi, I really like how your simplicity’s woven a pattern of truthfulness and a very strong message. I gave you nines on your ratings, with a ten for your clarity.

The only thing I thought as I read the poem a couple of times, was the last line could be more original. I would work on it more.

Overall very good.

Take care

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April 29, 2008

by Strass

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53	M	Rochester, NY	October 01

Thanks so much for you honesty and I glad you enjoyed it.

April 29, 2008

by guild

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101	F	United States	October 19

You’re welcome and I wish you success with your writing.

Best wishes to you!
Rhonda

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