Very helpful review, thank you. I think I will
take your advice.
Thanks.
Poetry / The Condemned (Analysis)
We are the Condemned-
Unafraid to ask or to sin;
Our disdain of death
is all that is left
to occupy the hollow within.
We gave up on god;
or rather, he gave up on us;
his broken heart and wasted trust-
our father the holocast is yours to own!
the plight and the empty and the outrage alone!
We are the unspoken;
the desires we sought in the promises broken-
We are the restless,
her voice rasps in the wind-
Come closer, come hither, come in, come in-
We are the broken.
We are the souls without sheep, without tokens:
Unfound and unfounded:
We are loose and unbounded.
We the people of Universal faith,
the faith of the waves the heart can’t unmake,
the throb of the blood, the rush of the lungs,
the sweat and the shrill and the coming undone-
We are the Condemned-
For god commanded yet still we sin.
Yes, the rivers have swollen with it!
The earth is thrilling vibrant the song-
The moon comes close and the night grows long-
the mouth half open, the eyes half closed-
the barren womb- the unexpected throes
of silken undercurrents
making god the father unneeded.
Woman stands naked on the hilltop.
Her bronzed stare and golden breath
give over the superfluous fears of death or judgement:
What more can be judged?
We drink the wine and the nectar of our
many loves.
Eve, we stand holy united!
Our no longer fragile passions ignited!
No longer passive or weak,
we taste the fruit,
we learn to speak
Brashly.
From the curve of her cheek to her hip
she is woman.
Our souls on her shoulder, her heart in my hands I am honored-
Not by god, not by man
But by woman-
But by this condemned
and reconciled.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
fredi_starr reviewed Version 1 -
Read 50% of the Item
I do agree that it feels a little unbalanced rhythmically, but I think it suits the mood of the piece. The only way I can suggest making your poem more specific to what you want it to mean is to add a closing line or use your title to explain what your poem is about. Otherwise, the style is good and conveys the mood of what you’re saying. Just make sure that whatever you choose to do to add clarity to your message fits with the rest of the piece.
- add/view comments (0)
moonfox2062 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
It feels quite origial, but when I first read it I though that the stanzas were representing separate entities. The structure of the poem itself could be used to make it more cohesive.
spDulong reviewed Version 1 -
Read 50% of the Item
the lenght of this piece is not as tedious as one would think at first glimpse. one word of advice is to refrain from wordy lengths if it can be said in a vague/ short line. it almost reads as two poems in one so to shorten would only be getting to the point/heart of your message. ideally to hold the attention is what we hope for to catch the imagination is what we write for.?. a thesuarus is a key sidekick for useage and meaning, to hault the habbit of multiple “same word” happenings.. very thoughtful i like this peice by the way.. thanks
Fastbody reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I really like the subject matter and I like your format throughout the poem. Unfortunately I think that the goth/emo cultures over the past 15-20 years have rendered the “We are ” lines as cliché. I think you could honestly go through the poem and remove every instance of “We are” and the impact you were seeking doesn’t diminish, but the cliché is.
Showing 1 - 4 of 4
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
4 Reviews 2 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 3 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 2 Times
Ratings & Rankings
