Poetry / Shot

And and and. First off I’d suggest removing all those irrelevant “ands” it makes the piece read incredibly choppy. “Saved you from pain, truth, and dreams…” you can continue this revision throughout the piece. You might want to consider making some particular lines clearer than they are here, or at least reword them. Particularly the last bit of line 4 and all of line five.

• add/view comments (1)

August 07, 2008

by Corruptedstatic

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
157	87.9% (99 votes)	39.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	M	SF, CA	December 16

Thank you. I agree with the “and” there not neccessary.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

wow!!! that was an awesome peom, i loved it. it was so deep and i think u did a real nice job on it. the ONE thing that scared me about it that i didnt like was talking about the gun and pulling the trigger and all that but over all it was good. i think me and u are on the same level with our pain and everything. good job. :D

I think this is a poem that is condoning suicide as a way out of the human condition or suffering when it all seems too much to handle. The problem is that is starts with murder, the first four lines has the narrator cocking the gun and shooting someone else which is not morally ethical. Who is the ubiquitous “you” the narrator speaks of? Himself of another? Not clear. The poem would be better with a stronger use of meter and rhythm, the longer lines should be broken and some of the shorter lines, “it stains so red” fall flat. There’s some attempt at embedded rhyme, and with different line breaks end rhymes would be more noticeable. But it’s a bleak picture that is painted here, as it’s such a finite solution and not one that I espouse. That’s a personal take on suicide.

• add/view comments (1)

August 27, 2009

by Corruptedstatic

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
157	87.9% (99 votes)	39.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	M	SF, CA	December 16

It’s art. It’s personal to everyone whether it’s condoned or not. The point is to understand the artist view on his perspective of reality.  If you can only look at art or anything with the understanding of your own beliefs then your depriving yourself of such magnificent marvels beyond you. Open your mind. It’s not all dark beyond the planet. There are billions of moons and suns in existence. :)  

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I liked the speed of the piece, I felt it read well and had a good rhythm.  

I enjoyed the short, sharp use of words.  It keeps the piece concise and straight to the point.

To me it feels as if you are talking about the way it is so easy for some people to pick up a gun and fire that bullet.  Although at the same time I wonder if you’re also saying it’s not the answer or the correct solution.  By calling it madness you’re also not condoning the act, trying to change the mind of those that do see it as the answer.

Overall a good piece

This is the RAW and REAL type of writing I like to see. Its awesome!

A rather gruesome subject for a poem. however, that aside it was well written and well thought out. you write very well as well, and I look forwards to reading more of yours.

Saved you from pain, and truth, and dreams,
things that make us suffer
things that cause us all to take a gun and freak.

‘things that make us suffer’ could be on a new line.
‘now your fast asleep’ ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’.
‘There’s a time for a madness’ I would take out the second ‘a’.
‘Not that it matter’s anymore’ ‘matters’ shouldn’t have an apostrophe.
‘Somebody’s gonna think that a body went to sleep’ I’d change it to ‘Someone’s..’ or ‘Someone’ll think..’
‘they’ll wonder if it was pain, and truth, and dreams’ should be ‘or truth, or dreams’.

i dig it… killer, madman talking to his victim… i feel the last line could be better… maybe a better title too…

Brutual, haunting and dark. I’m amazed at what you’ve  done with such a simple item.