This is sort of a riddle, Think about the title and think about looking in on a world within glass. If you catch it, the piece will become very clear.
Poetry / Souvenir
Souvenir
A path stretches from
the magnificent cathedral,
in a curving fashion,
where it connects
the winding street
that interconnects
the cathedral to
the rest of the town.
Pretty little
cookie cutter houses,
line the contours of
the complex system of roads.
Sprinkler systems ignite
the dry lawns with flames
of water that burst off
slick blades of grass.
The suns rays pass
through each droplet of water,
creating a spectrum of color
that would always be nicer
if it were more tangible than mist.
Sidewalks shine bright white,
shimmering as if they encompassed
all the world’s wealth.
Birds chirp from treetops,
making it seem as if a choir
was hidden somewhere behind
the thick, lushly covered branches,
where the color green seems
a little more concrete.
Flowers cover the hillside,
in which the road rolls about.
Lilies and daffodils
are seemingly placed
in a perfect symmetrical pattern,
arising so close together
that bees look to skip across,
from one to another,
without ever having to exercise
their tiny, clear wings.
Clouds drift overhead
in a nonchalant manner,
creating shadows on the ground
that, from above, resemble tiny boats
sailing across the wavy landscape.
The breeze tickles branches
as it passes by, leaving behind the
soothing sound of a summer rustle.
Glass shatters all over
the pothole ridden road
and the small child weeps
for the destruction he has caused
to such a fragile world.
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codycooper reviewed Version 2 -
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Very good descriptive language. The way the landscape pops out in this piece is one of it’s stronger aspects. I always find pieces like this very interesting because it goes a long to way to show me how powerful poetry can be. While I’m not too familiar with poetry, I’m becoming more of a fan because of the devices that it has to use such as the ones in this piece. The ending with the boy, and the possibility that none of this actually happened in real life, only in an imaginary world, was a nice unexpected turn.
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DennisP1 reviewed Version 2 -
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I saw and felt calm dreamy beauty well, after all it took up nearly the intire poem.. But a small child crying over breaking glass on a pothole ridden street, though contrasting, does not work to well.
First: it is not clear
.
Second: in this dreamy discription of a town where complex road systems and flowers cover the hillside where the road rolls about; Where are you going to find the pothole ridden road?
I suggest only that you improve clarity of second part
jessica333 reviewed Version 2 -
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i really loved the imagery in this poem and how the ending was a complete twist to the rest of the poem. i could really visualize what the writer was saying
inxthexpinesx reviewed Version 2 -
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First Verse: The first comma you use here is unecassary and make the line it is in read kind of rough with the line following it. “the winding streets”, seemes a little too framented for my taste. I know poetry works best with limited articles, but i feel this is a place in which a “to” is needed. “streets” would be better as plural, as there is more than one street at most given locations. The image you give here is very simple and seemily without a purpose, this verse is either good exposition or is not needed. The word choice you use could be more descriptive and more specific. You should describe thinks such as how the street curves, what the street is made of, the emotions this place evokes in you. all of these things will allow for a more specific and clear setting.
Second Verse: A period would sond better at the end of the second line. Im not so sure how a sprinkler system can ignite something on fire, and i think that a more relevant metaphor would work more well. Is there a better, less common place word besides “slick” you can use to describe the grass?
Third Verse: I think that to cut down on articles, in the second line, you should change “through each droplet of water” to “through each water droplet”. I like lines 3-5 alot. they express ideas through imagery which is what you should do through out this poem. A suggestin i could make would be for you to go through this poem and find ways to comapre all of your abstract ideas to concrete ones and all of your concrete ideas to abstract ones. The line that begins with the line “sidewalks shine bright white,” could start out a new verse. Lines 3-5 of this verse contain an idea that would be good to end a verse on because it evokes such a powerful image with alot of thought behind it. With the last four lines of this verse, you yet again, create a great image that should be an example for the rest of your poem. This verse does not seem to match the style of the last two verses in terms of writing style and i think that they should all conform to the style you used in this verse.
Fourth Verse: I think that the line “the thick, lusly covered branches,” would flow better if it were ” the thick lush branches” because “lushly” isnt a word and “lushuness” cannot cover something. The fifth line would sound better if you changed it to “The green seems”. Im not sure what you mean when you say the the color green seems a little more concrete. You could make this part a little more reader friendly by telling what the green is more concrete than, or telling how the green is concrete. The line “Flowers cover the hillside,” and the following line are not necessary. They are irrelevant to the rest of the verse. If you wanted to keep these two lines, i suggest that you add them onto the next verse because they would be relevant there.
Fifth Verse: The “seemingly” you used in the second verse is unecessary. Either something is placed or it isnt. Daffodils and lilies dont arise, they rise. To say arise suggest something can go downwards again and flowers dont do that, in the literal sense. Im not sure why the line “bees look to skip across” is the way that it is, why not jsut say “bees skip across”? Tiny” and “clear” are very overused words. Could you find other adjectives that are more asthetically pleaseing?
Sixth Verse: I like the use of the word nonchalant that you used. The first comma in this verse is not necessary. This verse overall, takes the cake for me. other verse have a few good lines, but collectivesly, this verse has the most best qualities.
Seventh Verse: This verse is an okay ending but could be better. The imagery you used in the previous verses should be demonstrated here.
Overall: you need to work on some grammar and word choic. Your ending and beginng need to be stronger. Some of the images you used in the body of this piece are really good and i wish your whole poem could be this way. commercially pleasing and has potential.
softserve reviewed Version 2 -
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what form are you using? looks like stanzas of eight, but then the five line stanza at the end. not sure you need a comma in line 2 of the second stanza. i didn’t really get the final stanza. who is this child, where did the glass come from, and why is he crying?
Daveoramma reviewed Version 2 -
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I didn’t see that ending coming, but then again, who can? I really like the painterly manner in which you describe the world then, like a Turner seascape, you toss a monster into the middle.
Kudos!
Fhilidh reviewed Version 1 -
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Great setup and contrast for the last stanza with the idyllic surroundings. The last stanza could use something more however. Maybe more clarification is needed or a rewording. It just seems to change the flow, which is obviously, what you meant to do, but it should be more powerful or not maybe less powerful and more subtle. Not sure just doesn’t read right to me yet. I think the rest of it paints an excellent picture of calm before the storm. I especially like the line “The breeze tickles branches, as it passes by, leaving behind the soothing sound of a summer rustle.” Great diction and alliteration. Good job.
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