Thank you very much for the review. Lots of poems talk about love as idealized, unselfish – a martyrdom almost. But I think the real experience of love – the feeling and the interaction with another real human being – involves some amount of selfishness. As to the child comparison, I wanted to convey a generally loved form of vulnerability and single-mindedness, so a child is what came to mind.
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Poetry / What Baby Wants
Like a toddler,
My thumb’s stuck out
As I slip into full pout mode:
Look at this pitiful face,
Doesn’t it make you want to open
The cookie jar, give me something sweet,
And make me all better again?
Listen to this hiccoughing whimper,
Crying out, “Won’t you come back and pamper-
Placate- please – hush me up in your arms,
Just until I fall asleep?”
Look at this chubby hand on my hip,
And let’s not forget the stern pout of my lip,
A force to be reckoned with as I scream,
“No! I want that one! Not this one!
No! They’re not the same!
No! I don’t want to play with anything else!”
Listen to the harsh stomp of my foot,
Crashing against the floor,
A gesture of force aimed at you and at everything:
If my feet could talk instead of thunder,
You wouldn’t have to wonder what it means.
I want what I want when I want it!
Nothing else in the whole world will do.
I want what I want when I want it,
And I want you.
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crimsonarchon reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting comparison between lover and child. Both can, at times, be equally selfish. The originality of the piece was quite refreshing, as I’ve never read anything quite like it before.
Maryjski reviewed Version 1 -
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I like your poem. It has a smooth rhythm to it and a nice flow. I like the way the narrator compares the temper tantrum of a baby to his/her own behavior. I’m assuming the narrator is a woman, but since it’s not stated I’ll continue with he/he because a man can act just as childish when he want his way.
I also like that the poem “shows” not “tells” the reader that the narrator is spoiled, selfish and used to getting what he/she wants. The stanza, “Look at this pitiful face, Doesn’t it make you want to open The cookie jar, give me something sweet, And make me all better again?” and the “Listen to this hiccoughing whimper,” tells the reader that the narrator is also very manipulative and knows how to go about getting what he/she wants.
Good job! Keep it up.
maryjski
lacreo reviewed Version 1 -
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I really dig the subtle rhymes at play.
I liked this line in particular:
“Won’t you come back and pamper-
Placate- please – hush me up in your arms,
good work.
softserve reviewed Version 1 -
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this is a better performance piece than a written piece. ”look at this pitiful face…” that’s just it--the reader can’t. ”look at this chubby hand…”--same thing here. if it were performed, the audience could see you making faces, listen to you whimper and stomp your foot, but a reader can’t.
streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 1 -
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“I want what I want when I want it!
Nothing else in the whole world will do.
I want what I want when I want it,
And I want you.” – nice ending… i like that a lot…
at first, i couldn’t decide if the narrator is a child, a teenager or maybe even a young woman… turns out, it really doesn’t matter…
i like your style… your imagery is quite good although rarely subtle…
you DO convey emotion though quite well…
overall, a very good effort in my opinion…
antihedgehog reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it. A talking baby read it in my mind. I feel the last one or two lines could be better, sounds a little odd.
Jeffe reviewed Version 1 -
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The only thing I would change is to drop the 1st line. I think the title does the work there. When I read the title I was thinking of Humphrey Bogart and Loran Bacall. ”And let’s not forget the stern pout of my lip,” works very well. It shows the narrator as conscious of their manipulation.
p.s. I think we have dated.
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