Poetry / Letting go (Analysis)

Try to limit ‘ing’ endings, they weaken a poem.
“invading my mind. ”  to ‘invade my mind’
“putting a smile on my face.” to ‘put a smile on my face.’
“revealing another part of the story,” to ‘reveal another part of the story’
“As I’m struggling ”  change to ‘As struggle’

This would tighten and strengthen your poem.
Hope this helps
starblue

Letting go….great title…I like the idea of trying to remember things, but trying to forget them at the same time.  I think the strongest lines in the poem are in the last stanza and perhaps would better serve the poem at the beginning.

As I’m struggling
to make myself remember
all the reasons
why I left you.

I would cut off the last two lines of the poem, and move these to the beginning.

Then start the second stanza with the one you have first.  Play around with the sequencing and the right fit will emerge.  I also think some other images would work to help illustrate the idea of memories entering the mind that are unwanted.

Good luck and keep up the good work.

A simple piece; but, one i’m sure everyone can empathise with. I actually enjoyed the different structure of each stanza, as it kept an otherwise simplistic piece very fresh. The last two lines made it particularly worth reading for me. Thank you for sharing your work.

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June 01, 2008

by TheGerman

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Thank you very much.

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I liked this poem. It moved me and was very vivid.
I really like the following lines

Distorted reality -
each half-forgotten fact
which ended before it ever really began.

Would like to see this poem more expanded and a few verses longer.

I loved your piece. Your points are very clear and there are no grammar flaws that I could see. The lines:
Distorted reality –
each half-forgotten fact
revealing another part of the story,
which ended before it ever really began.
Really spoke to me because so many fights and arguments I have with my significant other are like that. I try to drag them up to use them as ammo in a fight and then don’t even remember it all. Powerful connection. Good.

Good form and overall flow. Not sure about the last line and how it strikes me. Seems like the effect that you are striving for is a manipulation of time, but it seems a little awkward maybe because those two words next to each other (so long ago and yesterday) have such a sharp contrast. Unless the awkwardness is the point and it probably is. A truth that is often missed because no one likes to feel that kind of painful awkwardness. I have been there too and can relate big time, Nice read.

there isn’t much of anything i disliked about this. im feelin it, i enjoyed it, it made me feel something. and when a poem does that, thats more than anyone can ask for. all of it fit nicely together with a great intro and closing at the end. you have talent. like i said there isn’t much here to criticize. it is good. i guess all i could say is i wanna see your other stuff, to see your range, but good work

To me this style doesn’t flow like poetry.  It is hard to understand to choppy.

Nice! Don’t change it except, just maybe, to remove ‘which ended before it ever really began’ (or at least ‘ever really’)which has language that is out of step with the rest of it. I love the ‘punchline’ and this is what really makes the poem.
You’re good, Keep doing it,
Regards,
Bill
www.billallerton.co.uk

Wow. I could really relate to this, especially when I hear of/see exes about the place. I especially like the first line of the second stanza. Excellent, pretty much.