thank you
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / What I'd Say (Analysis)
Today I sat on the couch, trying to watch Jeopardy, but instead, all of my thoughts were focused on you. I let a few hot, wet tears slide from the corner of my eye onto my left cheek. I cannot possibly explain those tears or the sadness that I feel when thoughts of you flood my brain.
I have never cried for a boy before, and my crying isn’t simply for want of you. Maybe it was just too much emotion for my eyes to handle.
I cried the last time I saw you too; on Saturday night while we were sitting around the fire. I didn’t know why I cried then either and I was thankful that nobody noticed. I’ve never cried at a party before and there wasn’t even any alcohol served. But you were laying on the ground and I could think of no way that I could possibly touch you, so I let a few tears wrinkle out of my eyes on the dark, fire-lit night.
My mom asked me if I’d have to throw myself, naked, onto you to claim you as my own. I had to laugh and say, no, that hasn’t worked yet. But, how could I explain that it hadn’t failed yet either.
I have never felt rejected by you. Sometimes we sit close, side against side and linger over one another’s words. Sometimes you sit across the room and we don’t share a word. Yet you haven’t crushed my hopes, there is always a certain glimmer in your eye. And we’re friends.
Maybe someday we will converge.
When I met you, you were trying something new. You were trying to be a good boy, just as I was trying to go crazy and be a bad girl. Now, we’ve both been on the up end and down side of substances. It feels like we’ve both been around for ages. You remind me of days gone by, and I know that I do that for you too. That is where some of those tears stem from.
Months ago you dove off of the deep end, I think into a pool of alcohol. You weren’t afraid to tell us that you were an alcoholic and I think that the amount you were drinking scared you. I would be lying if I said that there wasn’t a time that it scared me too. I also think that you wanted reaction when you said those things, but you didn’t get any. I didn’t know what you wanted me to say and I would have never known how to say it.
Then today, you smiled and proudly told me that you were four days sober. You were happy, but I just nodded because that made me sad too. It made me sad that you can’t just be normal, that you either have to be “sober” or an alcoholic, that you can’t just be regular. And I didn’t what you wanted me to say. Nobody ever knows what to say when somebody tells them that they are “sober”. For most of us it is conflicting, because we want you to be healthy and happy, but we want someone to party with as well.
Then minutes later we sat there discussing Roxann’s birthday. We need to talk about drinking because it’s going to be Brittani’s big first experience getting drunk at a party before she goes away to school. We were all excited, talking about this wild party that will be happening in a few weeks time. None of us bothered to ask you if you would be drinking or even still planning to attend the party. Nobody asked how long you intended to continue with this sobriety.
I guess we weren’t counting on it lasting too long.
That makes me sad too.
I heard your voice kind of falter when you said the word “withdrawal” and I wanted nothing more than to take you into my arms, but I don’t know how.
That’s why it upset me when I saw Jackie run over and embrace you, not because I don’t want her to have your friendship, but because I don’t know how to be warm like that. She is so sweet and warm and friendly and I am none of those things. I don’t know what I could offer you.
You pretend to be an asshole, but when it comes down to what counts you couldn’t be sweeter. I wouldn’t know how to return that favor.
I wish that I could help you. I wish that I could generate some kind of warmth, I wish that we could be alone, just you and me and I wish that I knew how to share just a few of these things.
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moonfox2062 reviewed Version 1 -
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laflaneur reviewed Version 1 -
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lisa24n7 reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed this very much. It was open, honest feelings being shared as they flowed. I liked how you were able to get the point across that often times other people do not know how to react when they are told someone is 4 days sober. Good job.
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BigMama reviewed Version 1 -
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What you have just shared is so very precious and I am happy that you can shared those emotions with us.
I have felt exactly how you have, towards a friend that I no longer have. But not with the problem with that your friend has.
I wish a lot of years of sobriety for your friend. It is very hard to stop any kind of abuse. And even though you can not share, emotional of yourself with your dear friend. Just being there, I believe, is good enough until your able to express your true feelings.
Other than that, your journal entry is very good. I like what you have written, it even sounds a beginning of a story, if you would to go in that route.
I applaud your skill and as I said before I hope everything works out with your friend.
Continued Success.
stormplay reviewed Version 1 -
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I always have a problem with this kind of writing because it is meant to be private, between you and the person of whom you write. Have you delivered this letter to him? I would imagine that is where you need to start.
People who like to write always have undelivered writings. Romantics, like yourself, probably have more than others. I have my fair share.
The writing is not bad but it is unique to you and your situation. It is hard to evaluate it for literary purposes because it is not a literary piece. If you write a poem about your feelings regarding this boy or perhaps develop a theory regarding relationships based on this account, I could see a literary value.
My advice, drop this off at his house, on his car, on some other way so that you don’t have to sit and watch him read it. Let it marinate with him and if he addresses it, than you have an open avenue to pursue, it not, then at least you put your heart into his realm.
Barbie reviewed Version 1 -
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I was very sad when I read this. Your emotions come across so clearly its a shame you cant find the strength to vocalize your wants and desires. I felt bad for your friend, I felt bad for what you have to deal with. All in all, if you were looking to move your readers. You succeeded.
imara219 reviewed Version 1 -
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“And I didn’t what you wanted”- seems as if you are missing a word.
I think this is an interesting piece told from an interesting perspective. I can see this as a successful blog because you do have a flow to your writing. I didn’t see a lot of grammar issues, but you do have a tendency to skip words. A simple read through will discover those errors. It seems almost poetic with the repetition, there may be some ppl who wouldn’t like that but I think you added those phrases at the right time so it balanced out.
Keep this up, you could have an intriguing list of stories for a book.
lacreo reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece can be quite ugly in its honesty. I’m not sure if I could say that I “enjoyed” it. For that seems an inappropriate response. However, I did appreciate the direct manner of speech. Although I am unfamiliar with any of these people I immediately know what you are conveying. There is one sentence where I feel there’s a typo (perhaps a missing word?) :
“And I didn’t what you wanted me to say.”
It’s on the second page.
Sean_Allen reviewed Version 1 -
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“And I didn’t what you wanted me to say.” The sentence is missing a ‘know’ somewhere in there.
Plenty of people I know suffered/suffer from substance abuse, and it’s pretty tough. No one I care for romantically ever has, though, and that must be tougher.
The parts of the journal entry that I can relate to the most involve the romance stuff, not the substance abuse. I’d have to say that most of the things you’re describing sound an awful lot like high school to me, due to what I consider to be emotional fumbling around.
I’m not really sure what journal entry critiques are supposed to be like. This was heartfelt and well written. I have an opinion about what you’re going through, based on my experiences in high school and college, and if that sort of thing is what you were looking for, you can send me a message instead of me wasting more of your credits here.
msstroda reviewed Version 1 -
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Sad, but well written. I could feel the pain you were feeling as you wrote this. It is hard to watch someone you care for hurting and not knowing what to do or how to do it. I have always found that writing helps me get my feelings out and to work through them, no matter what they may be at the time. I hope it helps you work through yours as well. Good job.
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