Children's / How Santa Died (Analysis)
This is the story of how Santa Claus, or Father Christmas, died. Back when the world was black and white and very badly drawn, far far away, way up in the North Pole, lived Santa in a lighthouse with a mole.
Santa was a jolly old man, one who spied on people as they grew, like most old men likely do. He’d sneak outside kids’ bedrooms and into windows he’d peer through.
Late at night, when all was dark and when no one was in sight, Santa would go to town, and creep around.
He’d climb down their chimneys, peer into their homes, homes of the gnomes, for gnomes lived in homes.
He’d sneak into their bedrooms and unplug their nightlights, and if there was a door that wouldn’t open, he’d use his mole, to dig a hole.
And for those little gnome children he really liked, he’d take them and put them into his sack. He’d carry them off to his lighthouse on his giant yak, and put them in cages.
When all the gnome people woke up, they found their gnome children gone, and they cried, “Where have our children gone? Why, they were there one minute, and now they’ve disappeared.” And then Santa outlawed all rhyming, and rhyming stopped.
Santa went on kidnapping children for quite some time, and soon the gnomes were fed up. They held contests to find the bravest and toughest gnome in all of Gnomeville. Soon, they found Gary. Gary was a giralephant. For once upon a time, there was a giraffe and an elephant who loved each other very much, and they had a baby. Gary grew to a tremendous size. He was so tall; he reached Mars. He was so big; he didn’t fit on the page. And he also looked quite peculiar.
Gary flew over to the lighthouse but the entrance was blocked by dinosaurs. Fierce lizards of incredible size! A large tyrannosaurus rex, that had big teeth but small hands, guarded the door. “I will eat you,” said the T. rex. But Gary didn’t want to be eaten, so he trampled him.
Standing behind the T. rex, was a long brontosaurus that was thin at one end, fat in the middle, and then thin again at the other end. “I will strangle you with my long neck,” said the brontosaurus. But Gary didn’t want to be strangled, so he trampled him too.
Standing behind the brontosaurus, was a thesaurus that knew many words and synonyms and antonyms. “I will paper cut you,” said the thesaurus. But Gary didn’t want to be cut, so he burnt him.
Gary blew the lighthouse down and ate Santa in a single chomp. He carried the cages back to town and they found a locksmith. The gnomes rebuilt the lighthouse so boats wouldn’t crash into the rocks and they lived happily ever after.
And that’s why all Santa Clauses are impostors.
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I’m not so sure you can make this kid-friendly. It’s all a bit violent, and most parents don’t mind their children believing in Santa. The concept is simply not that marketable for children. That said, what if this story were told by the bully in a book about Santa? Your main character wouldn’t have to believe it, and it could be told with the voice of a mean child.
I laughed when Santa outlawed rhyming. Very nice.
Proofreading notes:
in the North Pole = at
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This would have a very limited audiance. I can’t see how this would ever make it as a kids book due to the subject matter alone. Christmas is a magical holiday and I don’t think parents would be reaching for this story to read to their kids. However, if you would e a little more indepth then you might be able to make it an adult humor based story. While I’ve never really thought about what Santa does I guess some of his actions could make him appear to be a pervert as you have written him.
thesaurus that knew many words and synonyms and antonyms. “I will paper cut you,” – I did like this an found it amusing.
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