Poetry / Deeper

Interesting way to talk poetically (as it were) about a certain carnal subject.

You say waistland at one point. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a pun (if it is, it doesn’t really work very well) or if you meant wasteland.

Red juice lava and hot earth gravy are really…out there too.

I think my favorite part is “Wild animals howl from somewhere in the distance.
Hot crusts of sea salt cling to my sunburned
                   brow. “

This poem is beautiful. The imagry was amazing, i felt like i was in it. the, “Red juice lava flows down an ivory hillside” line almost doesn’t seem like it fits here, but that is just my humble opinion.

Excellent poem – which paints a very visual description

This was good. I loved how it had a sort of mysterious feeling to it. It flowed very nicely, and I liked the way you ended this piece.

At first I thought this was about a journey of sorts, which it is.   It wasn’t until the word ‘carnal’ and another reading or two that I figured out it was about lovemaking.  I wish there were more words to suggest the tension of arousal so I would have identified with the speaker more.  Not sure why you would need “Beginning” in quotes.  I also think Soft Coral Sea should not be capitalized because it suggests the name of an actual sea.  Maybe ‘fragrant carnal fumes’ for better clarity.  I think you may have spelled ‘waistland’ that way intentionally but I don’t think it’s necessary.  Some of the imagery is a little confusing like ‘ripe raspberry fruit’ and ‘red juice lava’.  Love the last two lines.  While I think it’s a nice poem and you got the point across, I think with better choice of imagery it can be really sensual, i.e. not just what you do but what does it ‘feel’ like?  

I loved everything about this piece, you have done an excellent job in your editing. The structure was perfect. Your voice was fluid and the poem flowed excellently. The discriptions were excellently worded.
“A serpent breaks the surface of the pool
From where I stop to wet my parched lips.
It dives back into the abyss
And I want to follow.”

The imagry in that stansa is perfect, vivid.

I absolutly loved this poem. Great job.

I’ve not read any of your work before William. You have a distinct voice. ‘Wild animals howl’ could be ‘howling in the distance’ or ‘wild dogs howl far away.’ I wonder about ‘waistland,’ is that a typo?’ You have a series of images but I am unable to understand the sequence. They seem to be random.

I think it’s great. However, I did not read your first draft. My only critique is with one line:

Then, sliding down the slippery slope,

I’m sorry but for some reason or another, I despise that line. Which is odd seeing as I absolutely love the one that follows.

I crash into the undulating surf of the Soft
                Coral Sea.

Really though, great stuff.

Awesome imagery. I have to score this high because…well, I just really enjoyed reading it. It has a great feel to it. You have a talent for colorful description.
The best poetry doesn’t always have to have gravity and emotional weight. All it has to do is grab the reader and not let go until the end. I think you’ve succeeded in doing that here.