any suggestions to improve memorability? thats a new idea ive never been approached about before. To me, memorability isnt so important in this piece as it is in other pieces ive written, but still reamins something ive been think about since you poest this very well written review.
Poetry / bitter for sweet
It came in a swift sweeping motion,
and at first,
seemed a mere accusation,
but then evolved into my life.
I was too arrogant,
and I couldn’t believe
that you had the capacity
to kill me.
When it was over I still couldn’t believe
what you had made of me:
eternally vacant
And what is left of my shield, my retreat?
Nothing but a little girl
trying to exchange bitter for sweet.
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trampledpixie reviewed Version 2 -
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I love it just as much as I did the first time! The new title does work better, and the slight grammar changes (like the beginning of the final stanza) also help a bit more.
In your notes, you tell us exactly what it’s about, but I’m still of the opinion that we don’t need to be told such to get the general idea. Certainly, you don’t mention the incident in any absolute specifics, but anyone that has been through a bad break-up can relate in their own way. Anyone that hasn’t, could apply it to an argument or something equally traumatic, anything ending in that feeling of emptiness and abandonment.
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libraryboy reviewed Version 2 -
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The sibilants in the first stanza is very well done, the bitterness being almost palpable. And you have a great command of how to use lineation to good effect, powerful phrasing being drawn attention to very well: ‘to kill me’, ‘eternally vacant’.
The only problem I have is that it doesn’t have the sort of re-readability factor that all good poems have. It’s good, yes, but memorable? Unfortunately not. I think if you work on the vocabulary (for instance, the word ‘eternal’ suggests forever, which offers no feeling of resolve at the end of the poem) this will be fantastic.
Good luck!
EvnSuicideAgrees reviewed Version 2 -
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There is really nothing for me to critique—-short and sweet…Great Poem!
lacreo reviewed Version 2 -
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Really enjoyed this piece. However I could have done with out the explanation on the subject. Often it is better to leave the duty of discovery on the reader’s shoulders. Overall it is a good example of emotional expression without becoming sappy.
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 2 -
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I’d suggest sticking to four line stanzas, the structure you use in the last two just doesn’t seem to work, maybe something like this:
When it was over
I still couldn’t believe
what you had made of me:
eternally vacant
Now what is left of my shield,
my retreat? Nothing
but a little girl
trying to exchange bitter for sweet.
CatherineU reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
Quite a bit to work with in this first draft as you’ve laid down some nice bones.
I don’t think you need the first two “and”s in the beginning strophe or the repetition of “it came across” in the second line. This leaves you with:
It came in a swift sweeping motion
first, as a mere accusation
I think this removes unnecessary repetition and strengthens the beginning.
I like the the second strophe. The capacity to kill – referring to emotionally is just very nice.
I’m not sure about “eternally vacant”. It almost seems a cliche.
I really enjoyed the ending rhyme. And the image of the ending line is a wonderful image. Beautiful. I think your idea of changing the title to “Bitter for Sweet” is definitely a good one.
You’ve got a great start here. Thanks for the read.
trampledpixie reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m going to be brutally honest and to the point: this is great work for a first draft! Being a poem, you’re outside a lot of other literary technical norms. You don’t need punctuation and grammar nearly as much, so I’m not going to even touch on that. In fact, the way you have it strikes me as perfectly fine because it’s not what is written that matters so much as what is being conveyed through the words.
I feel anger and resentment most obviously, but also surprise and helplessness. This is a situation that so many of us have been through, especially as it could be anything. I’m guessing this is referring to something along the lines of a break-up, something that a lot of emotional energy had been put into and, when it was over, sucked away completely.
The very last line concludes it perfectly and so poignantly. Lovely work.
PurlDruid reviewed Version 1 -
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Right now it is in a state of indecision. Who is the speaker, a victim or a warrior? We need more detail. First you are ‘too arrogant’, and then you are ‘eternally vacant’, but you are still trying to ‘exchange bitter for sweet’.
There are some wonderful ideas here, you just need to work on it some more.
mikeseed reviewed Version 1 -
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I do think you should change the title to “bitter for sweet” just because it’s a really good line, and it’s the ending and it would be a good way to wrap things up. and with the title infidelities readers may expect to read about a cheating spouse or something. This is a good poem. but there is just something about the line “and then evolved into my life,” im not sure if life is the best word there. this poem is one of those emo poems that i usually don’t like because they depress me, but you seem to have a way to make them still pleasant to read. keep me updated on your new works.
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