I’m not freaked out at all. I liked your review. Thanks for your blessing.
Poetry / The Bare Essentials (Analysis)
It’s not a slip of the tongue that reveals my intention,
Instead, it’s something beyond the grasp of my imagination.
Breaking the unbecoming morality of my nonessential being,
I am submitted to a spiritual extraction of self-destructing behaviors.
Then I’m left staring at the bare, yet readily available feelings,
Feelings waiting impatiently to pierce out from within the skin of my soul.
Resisting the impulse to die I endure the pain of emotional swelling,
Determined to rest in God’s heart while the ignorance of truth fades away.
Until then I live behind the reality of that unfathomable power, just for today.
Like a child I am gently nudged back and forth across a path lightened by love,
And as time goes on my eyes become more focused and my soul a little more in tune.
I can only hope that the God of my understanding reaches out from my heart,
And gently touches the God of your understanding.
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aardjordan reviewed Version 1 -
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endless_learna reviewed Version 1 -
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moonfox2062 reviewed Version 1 -
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beccacarr reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoy the sentiments expressed in the piece, but the piece itself could use work. The individual lines don’t connect as well as they could. It seems that they work best individually, and don’t form a very coherent whole. The emotions expressed are relatable, however, and that’s very good.
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MargueriteArotin reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice and eloquent.
neophytepoetess reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the first line.
The second and third lines are confusing and just don’t seem to fit.
I am submitted…is not grammatically correct. Remember, grammar is still important in poetry.
“Feelings waiting impatiently to pierce out from within the skin of my soul.”
This is a great line! It is also a fragment…and the line before it also has the word feelings and feels redundant.
What I would like to see surrounding these well-done lines is some vivid imagery. I want to feel, smell, taste, and hear your persona’s experience. Don’t just tell me. Put me in it!
Overall- it is an intriguing start.
Angel_Tears9744 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow my feeling exactly, this was a good way of expressing repressed emotional pain and it shows the feeling so strong it’s like your almost pregant with it and its kicking and screaming wanting out for its milk. That was kind of werid what I said I know but that is what came to mind, sorry if that freaked you out a little bit. This was very good and I hope to see more from you.
Blessings in all that you create
Jess
Fhilidh reviewed Version 1 -
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I read this poem several times and the theme or meaning that I am getting from it seems in conflict. It seems as if the mood is nebulous as anyone’s understanding of God truely is,(we are not God) yet you talk about “morality” and “self-destructing behaviors” both of which come accross as negative absolutes, but then the poem ends with an invitation to share Gods of understanding a phrase which does not seem to have an absolute.
DByron reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. It’s not my preferred cup of poetic tea, but I like it. There’s a core idea of connection that weaves throughout your lines, and I respond to that. I like the rhythm and it seems to have a heart beat. Based on your criteria, I’d not shy from giving you mostly good marks—I see this for what it’s trying to do and be.
If I had any suggestions, I’d suggest you look to formatting this differently. Try playing with shorter lines and mid-sentence breaks. Try making real stanzas and separating them with only one space. Without the benefit of your visual guidance, I’m afraid there’s a bit of a disconnect between poet and reader, but a little physical manipulation might bridge that gap.
Best of luck,
Byron
kan8 reviewed Version 1 -
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i like its its very nice
love the diction how it all just almost tastes
the line of “ignorance of truth” seems to not fit or at least i dont understand the meaning behind it
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