Poetry / Ode To A Gun

I think I hate this. It’s ridiculously simple.
For one thing, the first two lines are confusing.
“Slick cylinder of devastation” Because the title is “Ode To A Gun” I read line 1 and think about a polished revolver. But then I read line 2 and think about a semi auto---- see what I mean?
I hate line 7 and the reference to a dart.
I feel that additional punctuation would greatly improve this.
I was going show you a possible rewrite for this but I’m no expert on guns so I’m not really qualified to say much.

I found your point to be very clear, and I love the deep description and visualization. I see exactly where you are comng from and I too believe that death is a horrible thing and we as humans shouldn’t have the ability to bring it.

Thought-provoking, fairly solid, and clear as a bell. Save for a few metaphorical oddities--do guns writhe? I’ve fired my father’s before, but I don’t recall the sensation--and (for me) an over-drawn God element, I think this works very well overall.

This is just an idea (LOL--and probably a very bad one, so I understand if you block me forever), but have you given any thought to playing with the poem’s physical form (see below) to test your intention? You might want to kick me in the head for even suggesting it, but who knows? I’m all about deconstruction and risk-taking, and if nothing else, a bad idea may lead to a good thematic eureka moment. This is simply because I find perspective flipping to be useful to the creative process. I didn’t pay attention to the actual breaks--this is formatting zaniness only. Here goes:

“Ode to a Gun”
==============
Slick cylinder
of devastation. Chamber sliding back. Click. And a finger on the trigger.
Who’s fate are you today? Who will have his final revelation? As your shiny
dart speeds to punch, crack through his skull. A sun bright flash and a
sound like God coughing.
And you, hot and
writhing like
a snake in my
hand, who of
God’s creatures,
could conceive of
such a murderous
simplicity? Who
indeed if not man?
Who if not me?

Please forgive me if I’ve offended in any way—I assure you, my intention is pure and only because what you’ve written has engaged my imagination. I certainly wish you the very best of luck, regardless.

Byron

My favorite type.
Crisp.
You did that.
Got to the point.
Gave me a little tingle.
I liked it.

Love it. This is unique in the style and the subject. I like the simplicity of the words and in other places, the complexity of the imagery and suggestion. I particularly like the use of God in this poem, God coughing is a pretty good image and suitable. Second favorite is the hot writhing snake, what powerful clear imagery. You pull innocence in, mentioning God’s creatures, then powerlessness, then morality. I love the way this poem picks up the reader and plays with him or her. I wish I could give something constructive to improve on, but I can’t, I am sorry. I really like this. Keep writing.

Your poem utilises a clear, precise writers voice that brings the subject matter and the imagery across to the readers succinctly. I enjoyed “and a sound like god coughing.” Interesting line – fairly unique and ‘un-cliched’ as an image.
Well done.

A sun bright flash and a sound like god coughing – nice line…

good ending…

i liked this piece…  simple and straight forward – no tricks…

i have no criticisms…

nice job…  keep writing!

Short emotional roller coaster.