Poetry / The Light of Hope (Analysis)

Love the imagery in this poem. Very dramatic and highly publishable ;-)

This is a good start. Try taking all the stuff you are telling me in this piece and instead, let me experience it with images instead. Check your grammar; it is important in poetry too.

The line, “There! I see it! I am alive!” seems like it would fit better at the end.

Let go of the wish for change be the change line, it is cliché.

I’ve read this a few times now, and I understand your intention. I can appreciate your passion and depth. You drive the poem with that passion, and it’s a good thing. There’s an inspirational poem buried somewhere in here, I can feel it, but I just don’t see it yet.

You’ve got a heck of a pageant happening. It’s big and cosmic and Biblical, and the end of a spiritual anthem. Aside from the overall message, I feel it’s much too big to stand on its own, and it’s collapsing under its own weight. That’s not to say it can’t be revised, but that depends on what your intention is.

As it is, this would be a great poetic flourish at the end of a sermon. It would also be a great way to sculpt lyrics for a song. But in order for it to be poetry, it has to be intimate enough to engage us or challenge us, conceal as much as it reveals, expose some kind of truth, and allow for interpretation of meaning through symbol or language. Truthfully, a poem can be anything it wants to be, but for it to be great or something seen as art, using a less-is-more approach will serve you better.

I’d suggest that you think about what you want this to be and go from there. If you want this to be a living and breathing poem, then try reconstructing this by keeping it simple. You can express multiple meanings even in the simplest acts. Think about the miracle of saving a person’s life, how paramedics do it every day—you save a life, you save a soul. By focusing the description of saving one life, you can make a larger statement about saving humanity’s collective soul without hitting your reader with a galactic brick.

I’d love to know if you take another stab at this—I think you can make this into something very special.

Best of luck,

Byron

“Conquer and subjugate, a motto of ours that all have lived by, ” – nice line

“She whispers feebly, lying on her dying bed” – do you mean deathbed – or maybe “bed of dying”?  ”dying bed” is a little different, although that may be exactly what you mean…

very good… “nurse me back to health, she whispers” – love that…

i read this first thing in my morning…  it gave me a smile…  very uplifting in its way…

i really have no criticisms…  i truly enjoyed it…

Very inspirational!  Wouldnt change it at all!  Well done and keep going!

The poem is so dramatic, and it practically reads itself, but I thought it would be best for a poetry reading or slam, or maybe a musical treatment.  The central image of hope and darkness struggling to influence the condition of the oversoul is plausible.  The language use, form, and flow of the poem are beautiful.

Definitely inspiring. Love the flow. Even more so the meaning that seemed to make it flow as it does. i wrote a piece to inspire myself a couple of years ago. If you would like to see it I will let you.