thanks…its supposed to border on the absurd, so eating squirrels named SAMMY and drinking wine from goblets…and i was thinking the dog wanted to be something other than the skin he is in, so ” a world of lions”...the human desire to be primitive, barbaric, ...
Poetry / there is a correlation somewhere (Analysis)
my first pet
was a wayward squirrel
“SAMMY”:
he loved the yard in
the late fall, scattered the leaves
like an offering to an oracle
of the woods.
Dad roasted him gently,
a pan of oil,
rosemary, and almonds.
garnished with a small
slice of lemon, a dash of
white pepper.
I still remember the
sweet taste of his flesh
on Christmas Eve.
My first dog ran away:
disappeared into the night
with not a howl nor a
moan:
desiring a world of lions
like most men;
the power of the nose
driving him into the
cold night, across three fields
and a stream of slow glass
that reflected the moon for
the sad eyes of my sister when
she realized he was gone.
My first love skinned me:
flayed me above a bed of flame,
until i was crisp with regret.
she
laughed as the coals took hot,
brandished a smile,
and sipped Bordeaux from a goblet
as clear as the intention
she had alluded to
beneath the stars we had painted
above her bed.
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TakeARisk reviewed Version 3 -
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Very dark and cynical. I’m imagining this poem as a prelude to a novel or movie. It wets the appetite for more of the story, or a more complete picture of the story.
“laughed as the coals took hot” is kind of a kink. Did you mean “took hold” or “turned hot”?
Two best lines “roasted him gently”, implies a loving gesture in the violent end; and “brandished a smile”- How utterly wicked!
Great poem, thanks for sharing!
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youngjed reviewed Version 3 -
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crumbly like burnt toast? um, ok!
i liked this a lot apart from the opening with the name sammy which is horribly cure, and on the other had, amusingly contradicted by the rest of the poem. apart from wondering whether its ok to eat squirrel i enjoyed the lovely narrative detail and the imagery you used. its interestingly told, quirky, powerful and very real.
Some pedantic quibbles
desiring a world of lions
like most men;
This did not mean anything to me. Take it out? Clarify.
I don’t like the idea of anyone sippign winde from a goblet. who does that? i;d change it.
(i told you they were pedantic comments)
really though i loved it, very evocative
initial_v reviewed Version 3 -
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This is such an entertaining piece! The voice and the choice of words are remarkable. Just a thought, it might be better to leave the stanza about Sammy and him being roasted by “dad” as one. So as to keep the “my first” theme going. But I do have to say, I like how you paint a lovely picture of this innocent squirrel, and then in the next stanza it does a complete 180, instantly, by him being roasted, which is a shock. A bit of dark humor is always fun. So I’m torn between how you want that expressed, but just thought I would put it out there.
Also, the first few stanzas are straight forward (I would assume), but the last one leaves question to its meaning. For example “my first love skinned me” Is it inuendo? Is she crazy and really skinned him? Did she hurt him, leaving him vunerable (thus being figuratively skinned, because i would think being skinned would leave someone very vunerable).
The thought of eating a squirrel seems absurd, but I just love the way you played that out with the choice of culinary devices rosmary, almond, etc. “I still remember the sweet taste of his flesh on Christmas Eve” paints such a sad, and somewhat funny picture of this kid on Christmas crying but in between sobs eating his friend.
LibraryChick reviewed Version 3 -
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Definitely getting the sense of loss here
It seems resigned but at the same time angry.
I saw what you said about “I don’t understand.” comments but I stumbled a bit on the last 3 or 4 lines of the last two verses.
Is the ‘stream of glass’ a window?
and
Is the ‘intention’ something to do with wounding, threats of wounding and/or bleeding?
I don’t know anything about Bordeaux, so I’m afraid that was lost on me.
Am a bit annoyed cos I was enjoying this! lol.
In general: good work!
Elven_Vampiress reviewed Version 3 -
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I have nothing in the way of technicalities to add to the peice, mearly a bit of encouragement. I found it lovely, and even a bit heartrending. I love the use of imagery to bring out the haunting sadness, and even ripe pain in the last stanza. Please keep writing, as I would love to read more!
tessieinc reviewed Version 3 -
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This is fantastic! such tragic saddening subject matter, but couched in such beautiful imagery and language, with such easy story-telling rhythm, it seems almost to transcend sadness like a beautiful oil painting of a tear on the cheek of a dying body….
and sipped Bordeaux from a goblet
if she’s drinking bordeaux then she’s not worth your time anyway mate. :)
and a stream of slow glass
what a wonderful image for a river,. so evocative, i can see it and hear it.
desiring a world of lions
like most men;
the power of the nose
there is so much i love about this whole stanza, but a world of lions? like most men? your comparison of men with dogs here is so indicative of the fact that he was your friend.
flayed me above a bed of flame,
until i was crisp with regret.
adore this. a bed of flame, such passion there, and the fact that you can physically manifest your regret, your emotion, so well. ugh! i am up in arms about this beautiful piece! big favourite slapped right on the bugger right bloody now!
well done!
divya reviewed Version 3 -
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Good poetry. Nice use of conflicting feelings.
affection turned callous gourmet
I liked the image of a dog running away wishing the world was still full of lions. They have that courageous tenacity, they look for it, hope for it. I have a hound and i think you captured it nicely.
again the juxtaposition of your understanding it’s wilder nature/your sister’s sentiment is well done.
the same positional contrast takes place again in the fourth stanza. I think this might be a little too hannibal cliche with the Bordeaux and all. but still nice poetic movements in that stanza too
“crisp with regret”
“roasted him gently”
you make me happy to be a vegetarian.
AVRP reviewed Version 3 -
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Very interesting and confusing. The imagery is strong, however it seems very morbid. You write very well however and the poem itself is well built and thought out. Keep it up!
Ramblin_Jack reviewed Version 2 -
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i liked this piec, its kinda sick which is so me haha. The part about roasting the squirrel struck me as funny, although maybe that says more about me than the poem! A well written piece all in all.
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