First thank you for taking the time to read! Okay,
Puppets are those stringed to the stories of those
we respect the most, parent, grandparents ect. If
you ever heard “don’t bring a black man home or
don’t bring a white woman home” you’ll understand
what I am getting at. The whole point of the grey
eye is just this. We should not judge and love
based on skin color but on who is good, and who
loves us back. Most people don’t know why they
are scared of another race but because someone
told them to be. The reason I went with the “O”
was just this. I wanted to reach deep within
the soul because it is such a horrible
tragedy that we face, modern style would not
have done that for me. You did will in your review
because you picked up on the change, and you felt
it. Thats what i wanted to accomplish. A deeper
sense of feeling of yore! Thank you for reading
and taking time to critique
Poetry / The Grey Eye
Even though a grey eye should be sworn,
it was born to the plight of colors in sight.
A nurtured fight,
A crusade mislaid,
of prejudice taught by kin.
Unknowing basking in hate,
We reside in a spirit,
Unbeknownst to vision,
Living in the satisfaction
of abstraction.
So the world moves a trudge,
within the footprints
created by their peers.
Our teachers seen in glory,
Us puppets stringed to stories,
Of lessons immoral but obligated ,
Nothings familiar – yet we feel hatred.
How puppets bid and abide,
living in ignorance we re-reside,
So our scenery stays the same,
idle with an ostrich’s span of wing.
O’that wrong teachings be forgotten,
The phantom of our souls made rotten.
The grey eye should be sworn,
with harmony upon the melodic horn.
The night prefer to none of friend,
How tragedy binds of all to kin,
To trill with a cherub’s harp,
Besotted with wine and the joy
of a drunkard’s heart.
Some say the grey eye should be sworn,
and the plight of skin colors never born.
SIMPLYPUT (c)all rights reserved DamondQuinn
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a great bit of poetry, please write more
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A crusade mislaid,
beautiful rhyme there
Living in the satisfaction
of abstraction.
this is a good supporting pair it, it really encapsulates the previous stanza’s message. perhaps it is enough? perhaps the next stanza is not really so necessary? you have established the “world” character alrady by alluding to “we” in the first… it’s nice little stanza but it seems to me to be a little out of place.
“stringed to stories” is nice, neat.
Nothings familiar- missing some punctuation there
How puppets bid and abide, don;t quite understand this. what do they bid on? or is it, i bid you do this? i abide by that, as i am bidden? what’s going on here?
i loved “idle with an ostrich’s span of wing.” as we know the ostrich cannot fly, your mention of his wing really outlines the inanity of blindly following.
O’that wrong teachings be forgotten,
The phantom of our souls made rotten.
The grey eye should be sworn,
with harmony upon the melodic horn.
this seems overly dramatic, and detracts from the piece. why introduce serious old english forms when there is no mention previously? your writing style is quiote archaic, sure, but still easily read and understood and enjoyed by a modern reader, but the o’etc really lets it down. this stands out as something at odds with the seriousness of the piece. honestly it reminds me of peter cook reading wordsworth! and horn? what’s that about?
the grey eye be sworn, that’s a clever piece of writing. i had to think about it, i was going to query it in this review, but i got it.
well done.
I think this is a very well written poem. And I like the image your are projecting. Cant wait to see more.
I love a poem that is uncompromising and yours is certainly that. But it is also so confusing that I have no idea what on earth you are talking about. I appreciate the nod to poem-like nouns such as “puppets”, “cherubs”, and “drunkards” and I love the very idea of the grey eye. Seriously.
There are some phrases here that are incomprehensible and I think you would do well to make your meaning more clear by fixing up phrases and lines that just seem to be either in the way or are only completing a rhyme. Good luck. You got some great ideas, and a unique take on how to put a poem together. Just allow us to understand something of your work so we can still be standing up at the end. Cheers.
Loved it; speaks to the meloncoly and the creative process that motors invention, and the mental health industry. I liked the dark imagery that was partly your comparsion, matching of things.
Nicely written, there is not much to critique though I do have a question on what is meant by one of your stanzas…
“Our teachers seen in glory,
Us puppets stringed to stories,
Of lessons immoral but obligated ,
Nothings familiar – yet we feel hatred.”
Are you saying that we should not be taught our American history??
Of life before and up to the civil war??
A grey eye is that of someone who sees without prejudice? I am not familiar with this term. I have some difficulty with the stanza and understanding, but this is not your problem. Your words are clear and meaningful, stringed puppets and lessons immortal, living in ignorance as scenery stays unchanged.
A very lively look at the images of prejudice.
good work Damond
This is brilliant! Wonderful consonance and alliteration throughout and a wonderful subject well met with an equally wonderful perspective!
I like this im a fan of rhyming but even without a rhyme is a great poem I cant really think of anything to add to this to make it better keep up the good work
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