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Poetry / Before I Became
Before I became a nobody,
I remember feeling like a somebody,
Whose morning sun rose bright on possibility,
Whose evening sky shone clear, wide, and infinite,
Whose time was purposeful and pleasure driven-
But all of that was before:
Before I wore a phone cord-
A tangled fiber optic snake,
Hissing a satire of hospitality,
With a fatal vocal venom-
Around my neck.
Before I drug a desk-
Such an immense, unmoving weight,
Littered by redundancy,
Polished with the sweat of useless effort-
By my legs
Before I carried a cubicle-
The gray walls of weariness,
Futilely stamped with photographs,
Relentlessly stained with dullness-
On my back.
And before I put a nametag-
In bright white letters,
Painted on a bloody red plaque,
Pinned deep on my chest,
Where a heart used to beat,
A name I once recognized is painted-
On my corpse.
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youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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This alienation poem gets across how you feel. I would like to see more subtlety. A ‘corpse’ for instance? Is that a bit over the top? Is this about a call centre?
The language might be reworked to make it more unusual: e.g You could changed, relentlessly stained with dullness to Relentless dullness smoothes my back.
The punctuation is a bit arbitrary
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weirdishfriend reviewed Version 1 -
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Love It! The fact that your job doesn’t exactly suit you, and you wish you were free again is wonderful.
Elven_Vampiress reviewed Version 1 -
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The word lovely seems out of place, but it does describe the piece. The imagery of a stifling, monotonous and passionless existence, where once bright colors and adventure seems to have abounded it truly beautiful. Cheers, and definately keep writing! I’d love to read more.
JamesWoe reviewed Version 1 -
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this poem should be written on the bathroom wall of every corporation in America…FUCK YEAH…YOUVE CAPTURED THE ANGST OF ENSLAVEMENT..nicely done.
I love the last six lines- the working dead.
peace. consider submitting to www.gizzardsandgravy.blogspot.com
buffy_gail reviewed Version 1 -
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the title is not that appropriate for the content. the words used were good in describing the emotion of the writer.
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