Poetry / Selected Poems (Analysis)
Shadows
Why must we both suffer¿
Our souls like shadows
Together
Seperated by the dark lights
Of the city
Like we were in different time frames
Like the garden of Eden
To a prison cell of
Hell
I lie here in my
Bedroom
With you inside but i´ve lost the
Key
How many mistakes I made
I wonder if you made any¿
They cycle through my mind
As I walk through our city
This world of dis – ease
We must comfort ourselves
To find inner peace
To show our other world
Your sweet Word
The pain that I felt
The sorrow of a bird
I came to my sense
When I heard your sweet
Word
A face red with shame
A love full of fame
My memory failed to
Serve me
Until I heard your sweet word
As I try to fix things
And make things right
Time will heal our universe
Like the sound of your sweet word
Your sweet word against my ear
Pressures of delight
How I miss you dear
Miss you my dear
Elements of Love
My obsession ruined our world
It had only begun
Promises made, nights of dancing,
Days by the sea, a mountain
To climb
If only I could see
Blinded by the lights
You gave birth to me,
How things have changed now
A world waiting for you and me
A language we don´t speak
Connects our innocent hearts
No one can understand it
Its only between you and me
You live in mind
I miss you like water
I need you like fire
This earth is for you
We can make it out of thin air
Animals
As time wakes me up
So does the sun
What will it bring me today
Finding reasons to break through
To keep going on and on
A picture of you at the back of my mind
A peaceful thought in this chaotic world
I will dig for you
Ill write it down
I made this for you
In this world of mine
It´s getting dark now
And the moon is rising
The temperature drops
And everything has new meaning
I came to look
For you, we are just animals
Finding our way in the concrete jungle.
A phone call away
Forgotten
How I let time slip…..
Things that I had forgotten
To make a stand for love
How could you have forgotten
Years of waste, to let it slide
I hold my hand above the water
The past is in your hands
A thought for once which is true
We must stick together
To battle the struggle against Death
To end is happiness
Have you forgotten
I nearly went away, to
A place far away
You brought me down to earth
To be aware of the time at hand
I wasted time now time doth waste me
It´s all one road to liberation
To let it happen is the hardest part
Goals
The war is in your head
Peace is the goal, it
Never ends till you deal
With your goal
We love you still
Despite all the pain
Things of good and things of bad
We must learn to let them
Into our heart
Why did everything change
I thought t never would
Like two spirals of love
We continue to rise
Tell we get to that goal
Some things never change
Like a blue sky on a rainy day, or the bright moon in the middle of the day
Let time do its work
Its all natural and that the hardest part
We are one and the same
Looking towards that goal
We don´t know how, where it
Is, its you who holds the faith
Emptiness
An emancipation of thoughts, rising to a
Boiling point
A cycle of two weeks
Like a ferris wheel in the
Sky
Bright lights flashing, to
Keep me an open eye
Breath in the air, of
Love, sins and life
The energy of your soul
The force of mother nature
An empty space in my head,
an empty space in my bed,
We live like beings
To let it be is the difficulty
We keep on pushing, its
A chaotic world of pain out there
The forces of evil and good fighting
For you energy
A consummation of actions
I hear you, I see you
Can you see me?
Something I made for you
Something I made for you
Put together with my 5 senses
In every part is a part of you
That is a part of me that
Remains in you
Can you see the work of God, of our lives
Flashing between our eyes
Every second of the day
To end in a piece of paper, or words that
Are my world
To get my car and find you again and find
You again, to deliver a message of something I made
For you
The stars shine bright
The suns bears heat
A cool wind breeze,
A soft patter of rain
The touch of the moon light
This earth will walk on
Something I made for you
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The first note I must offer you is your switching rhyme schemes back and forth. You must pick a scheme and stick to it, if you want your work to cary it’s message clearly and not lift the reader out of the piece and into your writing, if you understand what I mean.
At the beginning of the piece, I felt good about the rhythm you were establishing, but you changed it competely in the next stanza and shot yourself in the foot.
I have been asked to critique quite a few poems and I tell each poet the same thing: poetry is all about the “Aha!” moment for the reader. You are transporting them to thier own experiences through your words, or perhaps you are educating them about a whole new one. In either case, you must compell them wiht your words, your descirptions must force the reader to call up their feelings and memories, so they can pull from the piece it’s central message.
This is best accomplished with an economy of language; less is more, and it is an art to find vocabulary that paints pictures and also carries an emotional charge. I see that as your primary challenge, but also see a great need to study structure diligently.
“I miss you like water/I need you like fire”. This is beautiful amd powerful, but try a different way of expressing it, so the feeling shines through your words. ex: “I crave the cool water of your nearness, your love that slakes my thirst”, or similar device. Make pcitures with words—-show them, don’t tell them. When you tell instead of show, you lose readers.
“The pain that I felt
The sorrow of a bird
I came to my sense
When I heard your sweet
Word”
This passage just doesn’t work. It seems you went for the easy rhyme instead of using a phrase that delivered a one-two poetry punch. “The sorrow of a bird” is a non sequitor. What sorrow of what bird…and how does that relate or fit into your overall theme ? Can you see what I mean ? By inserting these non-sequitors, you rob your own work.
If I may, please, allow me to suggest some reading for you; these poets are like taking classes when you read them: Dylan Thomas, Rilke,Pablo Neruda, Octavio Paz. Just spend a little time with them, you can get them all at your library. Let ytourself be immersed in the music of their words, their phrases. I know it will instruct you and help you develop.
I think you have talent, to be sure, but you need to work hard to develop it further before you can even think about getting published.
I hope you can take something useful away from my review and I tahnk you humbly for trusting me with your work. I hope to see more from you.
Best Regards: Susi
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‘dark lights’ this is contradictory. It could say faded lights or dimmed lights but dark is the opposite of light.
‘How many mistakes I made
I wonder if you made any¿
They cycle through my mind
As I walk through our city’ – I wonder if you made any, they cycle through my mind. this doesnt make sense. The narrator is wondering but is then cycling through them. unless they is refering to something else. You could say – i search my mind, or rifle through the depths of memories to show the examining of memories but it currently say you are going through the memories you are searching for.
I really like this line ‘This world of dis – ease ‘
‘I came to my sense ’ senses?
Good piece overall – good imagery. Bit conviluted. If you stick to a basic style of wording in your poetry, it may be easier to convey your meaning.
great stuff, rather good. a bit of abstract, but the description is striaghtfoward. sorry i havent really read the whole thing properly but briskly. why not break your poems up and put on a sign to say its under a same batch such as- ‘selected poem(poem1-shadows)’ if a rushing reader came by he won’t really lose interest in it and instead, read and review it. good luck, and writ on.
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Wow! That was a beautiful poem! What is this particular poem about? As in what were you feeling, your thoughts when writing, and what made you want to write this particular piece? I really enjoyed reading it. I hope you have a beautiful day and God bless you. :)
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