Poetry / Artworking

The “hit me” repitition was somewhat annoying to me… I feel that it could go without. Maybe attempt a different way of accomplishing the same. I loved everything else though. Your imagery was excellent.

“You resented my weakness for
clove cigarettes and pop songs.”

Its honest, which is a great additive to a poem. Not polished and pretty. You admit a sense of grittyness to your reader, which I really enjoyed.

A good poem, great word choices, structure, and punctuation.

Keep it up.

Really good. Maybe it seems a little like lyrics for a song… (you and me, me and you) The last verses need a change, are poor than the others. Or perhaps a change of order or a spark>

You hit me with your fear, I said.
You said that I hit you with me
and imprinted you (always u)
in my likeness.

I like it, go on!

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May 05, 2008

by DByron

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
7	95.3% (43 votes)	30.5%

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37	M	Saint Petersburg, FL	July 29

Okay, Rafa…

LOL—you’re a nutjob, I can tell. Will consider the suggestion.

Cheers,

Byron

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Very powerful way to describe a somewhat dysfunctional relationship.  Very neat in the way you focused and re-focused the blame back and forth, like an argument.  

Bootblack perhaps better said as black boot? And perhaps the first stanza would flow better if pop songs were changed to pop tunes. Do not understand the last two lines. Other than that this poem is of good quality and needs very little work. I loved the use of colorful imagery. Keep writing

Interesting. Maybe a good title, but maybe something …somewhat different, still in reference to art would work better. Feels like the title is a shoe that doesn’t quite fit. I think I understood what you were getting at, and I like what I read. I had to read it twice (Once aloud) to get the feel for it though. Nice work.

I’m not sure whitenoise is one word. This is a poem with great subtlety. I think that’s what makes the last line pop so much. A title suggestion: The Artists; because it seems more about them and less about the work. Just a thought. Nice job.

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May 02, 2008

by DByron

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37	M	Saint Petersburg, FL	July 29

karalm,

Thanks for the read/review comments. I’ll consider hyphenating white-noise should the line (my least favorite) get to live.

And I wish I could take your title suggestion to heart--I do thank you for it--but it reminds me too much of an old dirty joke called “The Aristocrats.” If you haven’t heard it and are over 18 and don’t get offended easily, I’m sure you can Google it. You’ll understand why.

Thanks again,

Byron

May 03, 2008

by karalm

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32	F	Kennesaw, GA	September 22

I;ve not heard the joke, and I am WAY over 18! I’ll look it up. I’m not in love with that title either. I just think it could focus more on the people

May 03, 2008

by karalm

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32	F	Kennesaw, GA	September 22

I;ve not heard the joke, and I am WAY over 18! I’ll look it up. I’m not in love with that title either. I just think it could focus more on the people

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Yeah good job
as is
but the title
I
dont
know…

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May 02, 2008

by DByron

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37	M	Saint Petersburg, FL	July 29

LOL—

I was just chatting about it with the guy right before your review. It’s just clever wordplay and doesn’t do anything other than make me say bad words.

The whole darn thing hinges on that title, I know it, and I want to throtle it. Arrgggghhh…

Thanks for the review.

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There is something nice and solid here but I feel as though the poem is like a train running alongside the track, not quite on rails.  One hint, maybe?  Something to help ground the central image.  As a reader I don’t want to figure it out, I want the experience of who you are.

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May 02, 2008

by DByron

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37	M	Saint Petersburg, FL	July 29

Hi!

Can you explain your thoughts a bit more? I think what’s within the lines is clear enough for my intention. I don’t want to say too much more than I have because it might destroy the intimacy.

However, I do think this line just sucks wind: ”...waking in darkness, shaking in a cold whitenoise.” That’s trite and weak to me—ugh, (insert expletive here) and yawn. It doesn’t feel honest or fit with the whole.

The BIGGEST problem, I think, is the title, which is really nothing more than clever wordplay. Yeah, it makes sense, but my instincts are telling me the overall cohesion resides there, and I just haven’t found it.

What do you think? (And thanks for the read, btw!)

Byron

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I think it’s fine just the way it is.
Excellent work!

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May 02, 2008

by DByron

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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37	M	Saint Petersburg, FL	July 29

Wow.

Okay, I’ll accept that for what it is and thank you kindly for taking the time.

Cheers,

Byron

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There are some very strong lines in this piece, I particularly liked P1. Maybe take out some of the “you said”’s. I don’t understand L8, but that could just be me. Overall this is pretty strong, good imagery, and uniqueness. Thanks for sharing.