Poetry / As You Cry (Analysis)

Part of me thinks that you still have work to do with your line beats, given that you have made an attempt to create a poem of rhyming couplets and as such should adhere to the typical rules of line beats, etc, that would normally attach themselves to a poem of this kind.  Part of me thinks you have some room to develop stronger imagery too, if only to strengthen the persuasive power of your arguement.  One thing more:  might it be better to avoid implicating your readers with the line, “as long as you live with no guilt”?

This is disheartening and oddly surreal but unnervingly true. I think your words have been put together well but this piece could be more descriptive and a bit more ‘sincere’ (if you catch my drift). As you write about the pains and sorrows of these war-torn children, I think it prudent to include the atmosphere of the children’s environment: The cold beds, lack of food, the steely eyes of their capturers(The Nazis), maybe even the foul smell of their parents burning bodies from the Crematorium. All of these elements are horrid to imagine but they are true but to include them would (I believe) enhance this poem, for the worst monsters do not exsist in dreams but stand right next to you in the bodies and minds of your fellow man.

-Ashley

Lots of extreme imagery moving in and out of the poem; a little more transitional time and space would lend itself to the rythmn of this poem.

It starts off strong, and in most cases you do a great job rhyming. However, it does sound a bit forced in some places especially towards the end, and I think your piece would flow better if you kept a consistent number of syllables in your rhyming lines throughout the poem. Jumping from 12 syllables down to 8 down to 6 makes it seem choppy. The only other advice I have is that you keep focused on what you’re trying to convey… you start off referring to yourself and then it switches over into a poem about children who are for some reason getting hit with bombs. You definitely have some of the right skills, you’ve just got to sharpen them.

You’ve got a very powerful poem on your hands. There were a few things that threw the rhythm off for me. The first three stanzas are great, pratically perfect. But while reading, the change in tempo in the fourth and fifth stanzas, and again with the seventh and eigth slowed the pace down for me, whereas I think its meant to speed it up and lend more poignancy to the words. I had to readjust, because I was getting into the rhythm of the first three stanzas. And then the sixth stanza switched back once again. You could try rearranging these so that all your five beat stanzas are grouped together at the end.

But thats me nitpicking, overall it was well written, good work!

Wow is the only word I can think of.  I believe this is the best poem I have ever read.

I really liked this it has as good flow going to it although sad.
you have it where you can really feel the pain of these people.
good work you should be proud of this.

It was a vey powerful piece, your intro definatly set the reader into the mindframe of what to associate this with. Excellent job. Some of your imagery was great! “Crimson blood of bleeding palms ” and
“Paper shackles hold me down ” were awesome lines… But the word “preferred”
I feel was not a good choice.

Overall, excellent emotion and imagery. A good piece!

I thought this was very well done.  The holocaust is a difficult and sensitive subject and I thought you did an excellent job conveying the feelings that came from the horror.  Your work did a great job raising the reader’s awareness of the feelings the children may have had then.  I would encourage you to keep writing.  Good job.

It was short and simple which is good. Tragic events such as this I would have probably been more descriptive with the overall feeling, but perhaps you were going for a very broad approach.