Poetry / The Golden Pair

The first stanza says it all & could easily stand alone. Of the second stanza I’d rewrite “witness ..so simple ” & drop “speaking complicated volumes… of Gold Pond”

it very visual, it’s not boring at all.  i think it’s finished.  i really really like the fact that if someone was reading it to me i could see it.

B.  Tell me how you feel about the emotional impact of this poem.  Did you connect with me?  Did you see and feel what I felt in that moment?
I suppose so…Though I could have felt more.

C.  How is my rhythm?  Does it feel a little stilted?  Should I spend some more time working on it?
Rhythm-too well.stilted-no.time-yeah

D.  Does this piece feel finished?  

no but very close. i say love it to hell.

E.  Any other insights on clarity, flow, and devices (imagery or otherwise) are immensely welcome.  

the flow was excellent, no doubt in my mind about that.

F.  (my secret fear)  is this a boring poem?  does it need some kick?  be honest

Not boring at all.
I mean it didnt wxactly take my breath away or glue my eyes to the screen
and thats just me, I’m hard to entertain.
but you did a good job. Bravo!

eeeeeng.. sorry mate, i found i couldn’t really connect with this poem so much. i couldn’t really understand what you were trying to say. is this about that movie, which i have never seen, about those two old people who fall in love?

there is no turn of phrase or original technical skill that would make this poem stand out. you group the words in a way very familiar to us all, there is nothing new here.

radiating as a supernova- this image seemed a little out of place, you set the scene to be quite earthly then throwing an exploding star into the mix seemed at odds with the scene.

i liked how you wrapped up “the touch” with “something so simple speaking complicated volumes” that’s neat, but it might be a little bit cliche.

i’m sorry i couldn’t give a more positive review! good luck for next time.

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May 03, 2008

by Amandalinq

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	87.0% (23 votes)	100.0%

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26	F	Mesa, AZ	January 03

Thank you very much for being honest and giving solid criticism.  

this poem is about something I witnessed between two people in the parking lot of a grocery store.  It was a pretty common place action.  All he did was touch her cheek, but there was something about the chemistry between the two of them.  There was something so damn strong happening there.  I caught myself staring, looked around, and saw that at least half a dozen other people noticed what I did.  They were staring, too.  

I was so captivated, I felt the need to try to describe it in words.  I apparently failed.  The supernova thing is purposeful.  It was something commonplace, nothing should have been special about it, but for some reason it was.  
For some reason it was explosive and ethereal.  

so this was my attempt.  

May 04, 2008

by tessieinc

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24	F	Australia	June 12

interesting, thank you for clearing that up for me.

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B.) I connect with this, but I do not feel that TOUCHED needs capitalized. People will read into it what they will. If you need to emphasize the type of touch perhaps add another word that describes the type of touch.
C.) The poem has perfect flow that speaks to me.
D.) It feels like the perfect finish to a great start.
E.) No further insight.
F.) It is not boring because romance things are not design to be fully action packed, though this poem carries quite the poetic punch. You felt the trespasser for looking in awe at such a sight, it was a treasure to behold try as you might it spoke to you so much that you could not look away.
The message is conveyed perfectly. Not much needs changed besides the TOUCHED.

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May 03, 2008

by Amandalinq

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	87.0% (23 votes)	100.0%

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26	F	Mesa, AZ	January 03

wow! thank you for your review.  I was really afraid that I hadn’t accomplished what I set out to do: describe something I saw in real life that absolutely awed me.  

Thank you.  I’m greatly reassured.  

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