no, you have a part of a poem. You butchered what I did and called it a review. thanks a million for such a constructive review.
Poetry / Waiting For You
I can’t sleep in my own bed
that space meant to be a haven for dreams
now only a place for haunting dead
when last I slumbered here
only four days ago
you were here beside me
and now as my eyes look upon it
I spy living evidence of you
proof you were just here
not but a moment ago
[the pillow set with an impression of your head
the sheets undone, tossed back from the morning
the blankets that smell like your skin]
with such lingering traces of you
you have to come walking through that door
just as you ever would, ever did
and though its my heart’s greatest wish
[you will never walk through that door again
except in ghostly visitation, my haunted dreams
such bittersweet torture]
As I lay down on my side
and turn to what was yours
twin rivers of mourning run down my face
[you should be here
with me]
and if I could stay forever in that world of dreams
the place you will now only dwell in my mind
I would
just to be united with you
I’m not ready to let you go
and so I won’t ever sleep in this bed again
[let it be a shrine to you
now only a memory]
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sagittarius1212 reviewed Version 1 -
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VERY, VERY, GOOD and VERY, VERY, SAD.
THE IMAGERY IS PERFECT AS IS THE CLARITY.
I CAN NOT FIND ONE THING THAT I WOULD CHANGE.
I AM SORRY I DONT HAVE ANY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM TO GIVE.
I TRULY LIKE IT, AS IS.
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LenR reviewed Version 1 -
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when last I slumbered here
only four days ago
you were beside me
our pillow with impressions of your head
the sheets undone,
tossed back from the morning
our blankets
with lingering traces of you
See what I did in five minutes. You have a poem. You just need severe editing. Play with the words and the lines. Flip them around. Remember in poetry: less is better.
youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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most of the square bracketed bits are a bit OTT – in a way they restate what we know to be going on already and somewhat purplishly in places. Take them out???
smoothie reviewed Version 1 -
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i don’t know over all i like it but then i don’t your right the flow is off but to change some of what i think is wrong changes it all together i don’t like your line of (ever would, ever did) but thats just me you do have talent though …....
guild reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello,
I gave you a ten for talent and a nine for your poem. I loved your wording on this poem.
The part that stuck out in my mind, was the last line. But that just my opinion.
Loved this poem and it’s going on my favorites list.
Best wishes.
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