Poetry / Immortal Dreams

this is a great piece of work, I enjoyed the thoughts behind the words. If i were to offer any advice it would be to think about the word choices and who your audience is with this piece…

It is simply to muddled….

“a lifelong tapestry of actions and dreams immortal
like a kaleidoscope of variegated shapes and hues
the sum of what was a life”

Hmmmmm…

“Tapestry” says all you needed to say.    Kaleidoscope and variegated and shapes and hues and sum and,and,and, are all pretty well tabulated in “Tapestry”

Do dreams die with us?   You ask the question….   how does the weave of any life’s tapestry answer the question?    You’ve forgotten the cloth you wove on the loom of S1….   everything else unravels from there.   Stick with Tapestry.   Or kaleidoscope, or variegated, or, or, or….    but once your stuck; stick!  

I like the flow of this poem.
It makes perfect sense.
I really like your choice of words.
I personally wouldn’t change anything about this piece.

If I picked up a poetry book I would want to find this in it.
very good =]

The second and fourth stanzas stood out particularly for me, especially when reading through the piece initially. While lacking any definite rhyme pattern; I can certainly sense a balance and flow in the wording that really does carry the poem on a number of levels. I don’t know if that was potentially intended or mere coincidence, but whatever the case, very nice job.

I think art loses all its appeal if we think of what others like too much.  Art is for the soul to inspire ourselves and others but if we fall into a norm or go by what is expected or approvable than we are mearly like factory workers or robots.  Art is the only place we can be ourselves!!  
Keep going, I think you are on to something here.  I always think of what a loved one leaves behind in me as they pass on.  Like a realitive and whoes trait you carry with to make you who you are.  It is the endless cicle that makes us a connection even after we die….

this is very touching, I love the way it comes together, and hope to see more work from you.  

I think this poem need some editing.  Are they all run on sentences?  There is no punctuation that I noticed.  There needs to be attention to all the same tense, otherwise it is a jerky read. Rhyming is not necessary to a poem. I like the content of this poem.  It is in the fantasy genre, but it edges upon things so often thought of, read or watched that it seems familiar, without it being so ‘done before’.  The first verse could almost stand-alone.  The last verse needs some work to ease the ‘unfinished’ feel to it.
Where it says “ and should those dreams harness the winds and ….”  I am left waiting to read what the result would be and it does not come.  All in all, minor flaws in an excellent work.

This poem deals with some very deep issues and I feel that deep issues are one of the main components that people look to poetry to express.  The second stanza pulls the reader into the topic of death by eloquently describing the process of passinng by saying “body is reclaimed by the dust”  this is an intense image that works well.  I think it does point the poem in a clear direction about the content of the piece.
The word “variegated” stuck out for me because I think it had too much of a scientific sound to fit in with the rest of poem.  I think the poem does alredy have a good flow but I would say that incorporating a rhyme scheme could help improve the flow of the poem.  The overall talent that you have in my opinion is very impressive.  The questions that are asked in the poem like “should those dreams harness the winds” inspire the soul-searching questions that good poetry should ask.
great work, keep writing

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April 16, 2008

by Amandalinq

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thank you for your very insightful comments.   A few other people have agreed with your opinion that a rhyme scheme would help with the flow.  I’m definitely going to work on that and see what comes up.  

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You have definite talent, but I do think you need to refine this a bit, and consider adding enough punctuation so the reader can follow the flow of your ideas. I don’t think rhyming is necessary with this poem, but you could develp your ideas more fully, rather than flinging out a few interesting descriptions. You have the seeds of some powerful imagery, so explore that, and that will help your poem become more cohesive.

Good job. :)

I absolutely loved the title of the poem as well as the choice of vocabulary used throughout the piece.  I would very much expect to find this piece published in a book of poetry.  It was difficult for me to find the specific meter or rythem.  I didn’t necessarily think that it flowed well but it did make perfect sense to me.  I think it would flow a little better if you incorporated a rhyme scheme within the piece but I think the overall message may be lost were you to change anything.  I do not know if this piece would be embraced by the average reader but I definately liked it.  I have discovered far more success as a writer when I write for myself rather than an audience so try not to worry so much about what the audience wants.  When the piece is a direct reflection of what’s inside you than the audience will find you.  Personally, I never pay a great deal of attention to the writing styles of specific authors…I focus more on the individual piece in question so no this piece did not remind me of anyone specific past or present.  I hope this information helps and good luck in the future.