I had to really think about your review before replying. To answer your final query on the pasted two lines, basically it means ‘no strings attached’. As for the rest of the comments, 10/10 in all directions. But whether he really was a cheater, I will never know. Comments dropped over time led me to doubt his fidelity. He is no longer in my life. We were never married, but the relationship lasted 8 years, and it was 8 years of hell. It is taking time to heal, but am getting there. Thanks for the depth of your review, I have never recieved anything like it before.
Poetry / Freedom 'What?'
Mans gotta have his freedom
Was that days cool remark
Yet what’s the cost in terms of love
When carousing in the dark
When love is left at home to think
Of all the vixens on the drink
How long’s it take before a fall
To ruin life for one and all
Now, not that there are ties or ropes
On soul or body, I’m no dope
But staying out all night alone
Makes me wonder, stir and groan
Mans gotta have his freedom
The plaintiffs verdant plea
To get away from you
And you away from me
Now I’ve witnessed men in taverns
How they leer at others mates
What makes me think you’re different?
When you don’t come home ‘till late
Left at home to stew and boil
The trust slips out the door
Do you really think I believe you?
That you slept there on the floor.
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inxthexpinesx reviewed Version 1 -
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First Verse: Where is you punctuation? Punctuation and grammar help a piece read more coherently for the audience. I think that this verse requires more exposition to make sense to the reader.
Mans gotta have his freedom
Second Verse: I like this verse alot. Im not so sure how vixens can be on drink. Are you referring to vixens drinking, or thinking of vixens while drinking? Here you also need some punctuation…im not sure wether the question you are asking in the last few lines is a rhetoric or not.
Third Verse: This verse has a harshness that is also in the first verse and i cannot decide wether i like it or not. To me it has such a sense of americana to it that its reality is beauty, but it is also an acquired taste.
Fourth Verse: This verse is also i good one. I like how you tie in the first verse back into here, creating almost reverse exposition.
Fifth Verse: Im not so sure how this verse fits in with the rest of this piece yet. Its seems like it could have a place if you corrolated it to your theme.
Sixth Verse: This is a fantastic ending. I wish that you could tie up more loose ends, but this abrupt ending seems to fir quite well.
Overall: This piece has alot of potential. It needs alot of work in the areas of theme consistency and grammar. I see in alot of places that you divert form you main idea, which can be done, but only if you can tie the idea back in somehow. Grammar is not really essential, but if your trying to convey a specific message, it makes that message more clear. The rough language you use is fitting for this piece, but really only for this piece. The fact that you made this piece so styleized makes it good writing.
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nicerobot reviewed Version 1 -
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I think there are some missing apostrophes. “day’s”, “plaintiff’s”, “others’”.
Been there so I can relate to the content. Trust can be very elusive. It thrives around freedom and comradeship.
The misery, “ruin life for one and all”, and self-denial, “Left at home to stew and boil”, of this doodle isn’t usually my taste but I know it can be cathartic. At any rate, I like the straightforward style. For me, it works great for this theme.
Good luck
Big_D reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall: Good description/explanation of wives feelings of husbands who stay out late at the bar or even don’t come home. I like your imagery of trust slipping out the door, very nice.
I am not sure the man thinks you believe him, but he thinks … a rational person should believe him…
Ah let me re approach this… See your poem has an effect on men who read it… I am a man, and I would never cheat on my wife hence the above comment about thinking/wanting to believe that reason and understanding of a faithful husband would not question or even doubt the husband’s faithfulness. Otherwise, if my wife truly knows me and I have done my job as a good husband to show my love then she should not question my faithfulness. However, this poem makes me think this man the speaker is talking about is 1. a true cheater, 2. a man who has failed to create that trust by showing his wife she is the only woman in his life and knows it but doesn’t care 3. A man who thinks he has created the trust and love and doesn’t realize he hasn’t and doesn’t understand how he is hurting his wife, or 4. A self absorbed man who thinks his wife is totally irrational for thinking just because he goes out for a good time with friends at bars and doesn’t always come home that he is cheating on her. I am sure there are other variations… What your poem does tell me is the hurt that comes with a lack of communication in a relationship and a lack of trust and understanding of expectations. The voice in the poem has an expectation that a good husband always comes home every night to be with his wife. The men the woman in the poem speaks about clearly do not have that same expectation… why? worth exploring… I like your poem because it brings up a controversial yet common issue that often is very difficult in relationships. Differences in expectations and the different emotional needs of men and women. My question is are the men spoken about in this poem really all cheaters or are some just ignorant of the needs of their wives? An emotional glimpse into a woman’s mind. I like it. Thanks for sharing. My only confusion was in the following lines which I didn’t understand or were not otherwise clear in their meaning or place in the poem… Is this saying there is never a firm commitment of body or soul to only one person? or is this just stating that even in love there is no taking ones freedom of free will?
Now, not that there are ties or ropes
On soul or body, I’m no dope
goofygoober168 reviewed Version 1 -
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Lack of punctuation detracts from the rhythm of the piece…perhaps that’s why it was so hard to follow. It actually does make me wonder…seems like you were trying to make a point here…but it narrowly escaped you. Where did it go? Given the title, I would have expected more in the way of rhetorical questions. Maybe try rewording/editing a bit and see what happens.
buddha_merchant reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s good to get all this emotion out and out into the world for people to read. I like the simplicity of the poetry and it seems to hold a constant beat.
I see it like revealing your inner most emotions in ways that only few people can understand and in return you find solace or conclusion to some lose end that may have been troubling you.
Good Stuff
bdfielding reviewed Version 1 -
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You switch rhyming schemes back and forth throughout but without a pattern. It comes off as lack of attention rather than purposeful.
I like the following best…
Mans gotta have his freedom
The plaintiffs verdant plea
To get away from you
And you away from me
The subject definitely feels lived, the rythym works fairly well and there are no glaring errors aside from the changing rhymes.
titanicbrittanic reviewed Version 1 -
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When first reading this, I thought that you had tried to write in the style of Langston Hughes. The tone slightly changes, but reading it still makes me feel like I’m in some beat-club of the 50’s. I like your diction and the pattern you gave your words to give them the slightly lilted feeling.
The emotion toward the end is a very powerful thing. Since you already mentioned that you wrote this and experienced it, I almost feel like I am just echoing you, but the way the emotion is played, you can almost feel the wrong someone else has done to you. I truly enjoyed reading the honesty and I am glad you made something of your more negative emotions rather than letting them escape with no pay off.
kivawiva reviewed Version 1 -
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I gave you a 6 for clarity, because it kind of comes together at the end, but I’m still left curious about exactly what happened. I like the meter, though, and the tone…I was distracted by “I’m no dope,” but otherwise pretty good read.
jessica333 reviewed Version 1 -
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i like the idea of this poem because i am a woman and have had that feeling too many times before and it really comes across clear in this poem. it sounds extremely personal and i like reading things that are genuinley being felt when the person is writing them
guild reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello,
This was a sort of humorous poem to me and I thought it was pretty good. I gave you fairly high ratings, of tens and an eight, in that order.
For me, the second stanza, the second line the word drink doesn’t work for me. I would look for an alternate ‘open the eyes’ type of a word that describe the vixens, to add a real punch to this stanza. Just the comment of them drinking, is lacking in substance for me.
Overall I can relate to this poem, so therefore I really liked it.
Best wishes to you,
Rhonda
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