Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Query- Shadows in the Moss (Analysis)

After reading your query letter twice, it looked pretty good.  A few suggestions might be in the second paragraph move “In a repeat of history, Brittan Lee struggles to save herself and her look-alike niece from the killer of 1964 as they are all three trapped in the Shadows in the Moss as Hurricane Daphne strikes the Georgia coast.”  The fact that she is trying to save her “look-alike” niece from a killer seems like more of an attention getter.  

For the first paragraph, you might want to punch it up just a bit more with something like “Shadows in the Moss is a story about the past and present, murder and racism, as the characters struggle to survive against not only a killer, but also a hurricane!” Writing stands on it’s own, but to get an agent to notice you, you sometimes need to grab their interest before they’ll even read your stuff.  Very good query letter over all, though.  I do wish you all the luck in the world with this.

I can’t wait to read the rest

The only thing that I could really see here was the editor. Is it really necessary to mention the editor? I only ask because this is the first time that I have seen it done.

One thing that I can offer is, it might help to make a personal connection with the agent. I always find something on their web site that I can use in order to inform why I think that they would be a good match for my manuscript. I think that it simply shows that you took the time to study versus, sending some generic letter. Its a matter of choice though.

Good luck.

Well, it sounds like an interesting read; however, I would have to read more of your story to actually give an insightful critique.  Perhaps, you should post the first three chapters or so.  

Very interesting premise and although not new in itself, it does have a contemporary flavour in view of hurricane activity in the South over recent years. You’ve tied that in well.  Some of the details of the plot were not clear to me and I know that agents don’t like punchlines withheld so you might like to consider making the twists and turns clear in your treatment.  

You should also consider spending sometime focussed on your main character and start with a very punchy and catchy first sentence.  Something like ‘After 1964 Brittan Lee would never again sleep in a dark room.  She would never sleep in Liberty, Georgia.  In fact, Brittan Lee would never sleep well anywhere ever again.’  Just a suggestion.  This sort of opening makes someone wonder about the events you can then go on to describe.  

Also set the scene in one sentence not five.  Say something like ‘In 1964 in Liberty Georgia white girls didn’t have black friends.  They didn’t …. They didn’t… (or if the protagonist is black, change it around). Then go on to say what events happened and hint that civil rights violations were the root cause. Your reader will know the history because you’ve just set the scene.  

Your background is perfect for this type of novel and it will show in the final draft no doubt.  I wish you all the best with it.  Happy writing. Keep it up.

‘For almost forty years, pianist Brittan Lee Hayworth  lived in a self-imposed exile from her childhood hometown’

‘lived in a…from her hometown’ doesn’t feel or sound right. there must be a way to reword this so you don’t start off weakly. kinetic sentences trounce state of being sentences every day of the week.

’...good-bye to her friend and put to rest the demons of her childhood.’ as you know in writing, one of the hardest things to do is omit our ingrained cliches from our writing. phrases used so often they lose their meaning and punch. ‘put to rest…’ is one of those phrases. here’s an example of my point.

Friday the 13th: The Body Count Continues
Tina remembers back to her early childhood and getting anger at her father. ... scene of the accident hoping to put to rest the demons that now haunt her. ...

of the over 3 million hit i got from googling that phrase, on the first page is an old Friday the 13th review. see my point? you don’t want to sound unoriginal before they even take a look at the piece.

‘After Labor Day and the events surrounding Hurricane Dora, events which included the death of her father, the disappearance of her best friend and being blamed for both, Brittan Lee never again slept in a dark room, never again slept in Liberty, Georgia.’

reading this made me feel like i had a mouthful of peanut butter and no milk to wash it down with. you’ve got commas where there should be semi-colons, and no commas where you need commas. you’ve got clauses inside of clauses. one step at a time here. no need to jumble it all into one sentence.

‘that the ten-year-old daughter of Mayor Marshall Hayworth had been seen all around town that summer.’ this feels unnecessary here. why stick this detail in when the person reading the letter doesn’t know who the girl is or why it is relevant to the story. just keep it at: ‘Anonymous phone calls claim possible civil rights violations from that long past summer; the agents identify a connecting link during the investigation that reveals further complexity.’ or something.

a look alike girl and another hurricane to tie it altogether. questionable. but i’m not critiquing your novel idea, am i? sorry.

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September 16, 2008

by acdoyler

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
214	70.5% (105 votes)	30.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
38	M	Fort Worth, TX	January 05

You ever get the spicy guacamole from the downtown Taco Stand? that’s my recipe.

deadbeats on Pulaski. watch out.

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The style in which you write, even when only describing your piece, is amazing. It was clear, and also short despite still having just enough to pull at me and make me myself really want to read this story. You get to the point (as necessary for this type of thing) without leaving anything out. I personally don’t have a grand lot of knowledge about literary agents, but I believe this will do well. You sound very professional. I hope you tell us if you get an approving response from this agent <3 best of luck.

Very, very interesting! I like the fact that you’ve given a timeframe within a timeframe for life experiences to coalesce with the coming storm. I like the duality expressed by both the maturation processes of the characters and the depth of achievement they’ll have if or when they make it.

I am working on my first querry letter as we speak. I thought yours was wonderful. You did a fantastic job of summarizing the plot. This is normally not the type of book that I like to read, but something in the querry touched me on a deeper level.The format seems to be clear and consise with what the agent is asking for. I didn’t see any typos or misspellings. Over all I think this a great querry. Good Luck with your book.