Thanks. Interestingly enough, Congress passed the Emmett Till Civil Rights Act about a year ago which provides the funding to research and prosecute civil rights violations from that period.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Query- Shadows in the Moss (Analysis)
For almost forty years, pianist Brittan Lee Hayworth lived in a self-imposed exile from her childhood hometown. When her long-lost best friend resurfaces, literally and figuratively- in the rusted hulk of a 1958 Chevy Bel-Air dredged from the bottom of Liberty River, Brittan Lee must return to Georgia to say good-bye to her friend and put to rest the demons of her childhood. In Shadows in the Moss: A Liberty Oak Mystery, the characters drive the story , set on the Georgia coast. It will appeal to readers who enjoy historical fiction, southern, family-based mysteries such as Margaret Maron’s Bootlegger’s Daughter series or Terry Kay’s The Night The Lights Came On. Shadows in the Moss confronts segregation, civil rights, fairness , friendship and loss from the viewpoint of a white child and the woman she became. Shadows in the Moss is 92,000 words, and was edited by Susan Mary Malone of Malone Editorial Services.
Shadows in the Moss shifts between current time and the tumultuous summer of 1964, a time when the child Brittan Lee learned about segregation and its impact on her new-found black friends. At the beginning of the summer of ‘64, Brittan Lee Hayworth was curious, bright, outgoing. After Labor Day and the events surrounding Hurricane Dora, events which included the death of her father, the disappearance of her best friend and being blamed for both, Brittan Lee never again slept in a dark room, never again slept in Liberty, Georgia. Following the discovery of Beth Ann’s skeletal remains, Brittan Lee does return to her family in Liberty and lands in the middle of an FBI investigation. Anonymous phone calls claim possible civil rights violations from that long past summer; the agents identify a connecting link during the investigation- that the ten-year-old daughter of Mayor Marshall Hayworth had been seen all around town that summer. As the investigation continues, it becomes clear that someone wants Brittan Lee silenced, again. As she helps her nieces and nephews understand what happened that summer, Brittan Lee learns more about her friends, her family and herself. In a repeat of history, Brittan Lee struggles to save herself and her look-alike niece from the killer of 1964 as they are all three trapped in the Shadows in the Moss as Hurricane Daphne strikes the Georgia coast.
Twice retired, as a Navy Nurse Corps Officer and a Red Cross Executive, I grew up on the Georgia coast during the era of Shadows in the Moss. I have published non-fiction articles in high school, college and military newspapers, and authored multiple training manuals and procedures. Shadows In the Moss: A Liberty Oak Mystery is my first full-length fiction. I have not submitted queries to any other agents. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
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acdoyler reviewed Version 1 -
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‘For almost forty years, pianist Brittan Lee Hayworth lived in a self-imposed exile from her childhood hometown’
‘lived in a…from her hometown’ doesn’t feel or sound right. there must be a way to reword this so you don’t start off weakly. kinetic sentences trounce state of being sentences every day of the week.
’...good-bye to her friend and put to rest the demons of her childhood.’ as you know in writing, one of the hardest things to do is omit our ingrained cliches from our writing. phrases used so often they lose their meaning and punch. ‘put to rest…’ is one of those phrases. here’s an example of my point.
Friday the 13th: The Body Count Continues
Tina remembers back to her early childhood and getting anger at her father. ... scene of the accident hoping to put to rest the demons that now haunt her. ...
of the over 3 million hit i got from googling that phrase, on the first page is an old Friday the 13th review. see my point? you don’t want to sound unoriginal before they even take a look at the piece.
‘After Labor Day and the events surrounding Hurricane Dora, events which included the death of her father, the disappearance of her best friend and being blamed for both, Brittan Lee never again slept in a dark room, never again slept in Liberty, Georgia.’
reading this made me feel like i had a mouthful of peanut butter and no milk to wash it down with. you’ve got commas where there should be semi-colons, and no commas where you need commas. you’ve got clauses inside of clauses. one step at a time here. no need to jumble it all into one sentence.
‘that the ten-year-old daughter of Mayor Marshall Hayworth had been seen all around town that summer.’ this feels unnecessary here. why stick this detail in when the person reading the letter doesn’t know who the girl is or why it is relevant to the story. just keep it at: ‘Anonymous phone calls claim possible civil rights violations from that long past summer; the agents identify a connecting link during the investigation that reveals further complexity.’ or something.
a look alike girl and another hurricane to tie it altogether. questionable. but i’m not critiquing your novel idea, am i? sorry.
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JAs_jumper_cable reviewed Version 1 -
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The style in which you write, even when only describing your piece, is amazing. It was clear, and also short despite still having just enough to pull at me and make me myself really want to read this story. You get to the point (as necessary for this type of thing) without leaving anything out. I personally don’t have a grand lot of knowledge about literary agents, but I believe this will do well. You sound very professional. I hope you tell us if you get an approving response from this agent <3 best of luck.
KarmaSutra reviewed Version 1 -
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Very, very interesting! I like the fact that you’ve given a timeframe within a timeframe for life experiences to coalesce with the coming storm. I like the duality expressed by both the maturation processes of the characters and the depth of achievement they’ll have if or when they make it.
madriter1022 reviewed Version 1 -
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I am working on my first querry letter as we speak. I thought yours was wonderful. You did a fantastic job of summarizing the plot. This is normally not the type of book that I like to read, but something in the querry touched me on a deeper level.The format seems to be clear and consise with what the agent is asking for. I didn’t see any typos or misspellings. Over all I think this a great querry. Good Luck with your book.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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There are several reasons I would give you high marks. First, and for god sake forgive my grammar. You have to be spot on perfect with your query. I mean you have to be perfect with grammar, tabs, spelling. I have rejected work because of spelling, etc.
I think you have someone who will work with you. I know it hurts but you have to curtail to whatever she says.
You have to tab your first lines. It is a must. Don’t argue.
Do not submit this until you print it out and have a professor or friend critique this. For example: For almost forty years, pianist Brittan Lee Hayworth lived in a self-imposed exile from her childhood hometown.
For almost fourty-years, the pianist, Brittan Lee Heyworth lived in self-imposed exile from childhood.
You may disagree but I would be bothered with your first line. Maybe someone would accept it as is.
Please keep an open mind to a publisher you are in contact with.
Blessings, Gregory They will work with you.
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 -
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P1 you never mention what makes your tale different.
P2 needs revision. Delete sentence 1 or move it to P1 Restate what yr they found the body.
P3 begin with I grew up in Ga.
Good Luck Sounds like a great book.
Souldierpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it, got a real feel for the character, Brittan Lee Hayworth. Well done.
Fazzerelli reviewed Version 1 -
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My only comment is that in the first paragraph you haven’t specified what makes your work unique or different to the others mentioned. Otherwise I found it to fulfill all the criteria and seem an interesting story. Good luck.
jamesgormley reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a wonderful query….the only hang-ups include the unlikelihood of “civil rights violations” being applied retroactively and also the deux in machina-esque appearance/fact that there was a look-alike niece…..the look-alike niece strains the wonderfully credible, and believable plot somewhat. Otherwise, this is a fine, fine query and book concept.
james
Grendel reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice query.
You might want to consider an opening hook. The first sentance of a query needs to be strong. You want to get the agents attention and hold it, seduce them into reading the rest of the query.
In the second paragraph. You need to give a complete sysnopsis. You have the beginning and the middle, but no end. An agent wants the whole story. Write a couple of lines that explain how it all turns out.
The last paragraph looks good. You might mention if you are working on a sequel.
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