read my comment to brahmasong’s review. maybe that will help explain things. i also appreciate your honesty and realistic approach to my poetry. to each his own, i suppose.
Poetry / poem.4: "What God Has Joined"
What God Has Joined
Her soft hand trembled to finish every word
Of every letter that ever cleaved heart from men
In that deafening paradox every time unheard,
Unforeseen, and always un-forgiven.
And after charmed pursuits until men’s soles are worn,
Polite platonicity is the slowest, sharpest tear
That any man has ever had to mourn,
the deepest weight any man has had to bear.
An old man with white whiskered face—
Solitary figure sits in the corner by the tree
In the evening in a clean, well-lighted place
blesses both God and bottle with apathy—
“Our nada who art in nada, hallowed be thy nada”
then on with transubstantiation and heathen vodka!
-j. wesley-
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Valencia_Rodallec reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it’s hrmmphff… comme-ci, comme-ca. But maybe a favorite of mine.
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poetking reviewed Version 1 -
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this sounds like it’s a statement from a personal view, good, but could do with more input
oldirty reviewed Version 1 -
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I have never read a ‘literary’ magazine. Those two words don’t even belong in the same sentence as far as I’m concerned.
“Platonicity” while silly, certainly strikes my fancy for a 10 penny word.
On the other hand, I have read this poem 6 times and still have no idea what concept you are trying to convey besides “hobos like booze, people like passion, such is life”.
Since I haven’t read any of your other work I can’t comment on how publishable this piece would be in a book of your own writings.
Poetry is subjective. And this, while interesting, was just not my cup of tea.
brahmasong reviewed Version 1 -
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very poetic and lyrical.try as i might though i couldn’t find reference to any short story, at least not one i might’ve read.as far as it being a sonnet ,though i read and freread it many times,but i couldn’t feel any rythmic consistency,that said though i’m not really familiar with the sonnet but for the most part i usually can find a rythmic symetry, if there’s one to be felt,i usually find it.
i always give the bennefit of the doubt when it comes to interpretation,but,the whole first stanza i think you may’ve made some poor choice of desriptives.iwas left unsureas to if the girl was writing or reading the lines.also i found the references to be entirely to vague.i’m guessing perhaps that either the art of writing is painful or the pieces of writing elicit a rraction of pain from the reader.if you would edify me please and i ask in all honesty to explain to me the first stanza to me i’d relly appreciate it.lines like:
”In that deafening paradox every time unheard,
Unforeseen, and always un-forgiven”
left me befuddled !so here’s in hope of you taking the time to educate a plodder like myself
cheers
youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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i can’t comment intelligently on the form i’m afraid. i liked the platonicity idea but not the word, i’m afraid. change platonicity to platonic she is [or she’s]?? i can;t say i truly follow the first verse, but the language felt a little overblown: deafening paradox, deepest weight: it took this to refer to mean unrequited love- is that the deepest weight? would something more restrained capture the idea better? i don’t know. it might. heathen vodka, i liked that, i may have to slip some into the freezer…
kivawiva reviewed Version 1 -
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This one is great! Really great, original phrases here: “ever cleaved heart from men”...”polite platonicity” (love that one)...and finally, “hallowed by thy nada…” Really nice. I really don’t have anything to critique – this is a great take on the sonnet form.
AmyWalker reviewed Version 1 -
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A poet indeed you are, beautifully intoxicating. I loved every line, every image every poetic word in this piece, I have nothing to criticise about this piece.
I think it’s absolutely, soulfully beautiful.
Keep writing for I’m as sure as hell gonna read it.
Amy
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