Poetry / I am what I am.

I don’t like Line 1: “Empty and forgotten” is too cliche, first of all. Also, why an empty liquor bottle to represent it? Not that it can’t work, just, of all the possibilities to represent “empty and forgotten”, a liquor bottle seems a bit random.

Lines 15-16: the second sentences are a bit too long, disrupting the flow of the piece.

Overall, though, I enjoyed it. Plenty of great similes and imagery and analogies. Good job.

It was intersting. Even though it was negative, it was interesting how everything was described and intersected with each other. I enjoyed it. Very true to how you feel (that is if it’s about you)

Thought provoking and jam packed with imagery and simile.  I really like it.  I think I need to read it about ten more times and let each line sink in and this makes it that much better.  It’s like I need to let it soak in.  Very creative and unique.  I like the blended rhyme throughout that is subtle, not sure if you worked to create that or it just fell into place, but either way that is the beauty of writing and letting it flow.  I think I like the first line best.  I don’t really see anything that jumps out and needs editing.  I think you have a nice tight packaged piece here.  Nice work.

I really like this. The way you bounce from one way to another is very clever. And the puns you make are great too. This is really very witty and makes me laugh, so I hope you weren’t trying to be 100% serious by this,  but it was great work either way.

i like it.  the metaphors are on point, but i doesn’t flow.  it makes me wonder how long it took you to write it.

I truly like the imagery of all the labels that you have put in this poem.

I wish that I could lay it down on paper, or on computer screen like this because you have truly hit it on the head.

Like:

Loving like a bear trap, Stuck and fucked.

I tuly loved that and I laughed.  It is so true and the other:

Poetic like a baby. Outcone is always shit.

So true and something about the dummy and always giving a hand, yep your right.

I wish you wrote something about a LapDancer.  All give and no action.

Wouldnt that be a hoot?  :)

Thanks again.

Continued Success.

I like some of the humour and ideas here, though artistic like a rapist??  Hmmm.  

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May 05, 2008

by Big_D

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I agree.  That is the one line I really did not like in the poem and felt it out of place.  I did not find any pun or laughter in that line and I didn’t understand what the voice in the poem was trying to get across in that line.

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I liked it.  ”Wealthy like a stripper. One dance at a time.” Nice.  I’d say I’d like to see it longer, but i can’t even think were you would go from here.  It seems pretty complete.  

Feels unfinished-but isn’t that just like poetry? I think you should separate lines eg “Feeling like a used liquor bottle.// Empty and forgotten.// Dressed like a hobo.// Gutter runway.” Great lines btw. (// indicate line breaks). Play with shape as you’ve got the tempo more or less correct. Poetry does not have to be a formal paragraph, it can have
                                     lines inverted, or even
on
   split
       levels.
Don’t confine yourself, be more creative.
Fantastic use of metaphor, I really enjoyedthe lines “Attractive like a whore house. The sleazy last resort.// Athletic like a tortoise. Only in fairy tales.” truth is ours to tell, and sometimes it’s only in verse.

This is very good. I love the analogies/metaphor/similies. Whatever they’re called.