Yes, she was in the wrong. I had hoped that would come across? What I was hoping for was the sense that they both do great injury to each other, in the way that even people who love each other often do.
Flash Fiction / The Things We Know
“I read your journal,” she said.
“So?” said he.
“So, I know you kissed her.”
I should say at this point that she knows that he doesn’t think she’s special. He told her one time that so-and-so looked like a black-and-white film star when she smoked, as if poised for a witty quip. She asked him how she looked when she smoked, and he said she looked like a person who needed a cigarette. She envisioned a frowsy waitress on her three-minute smoke break, grease on her uniform, and her heart broke a little.
“Kissing doesn’t violate any rules,” he says, impatiently.
And at this point I should say that he knows that while she does love him, she needs him more, and that disappoints him. This is not the romance of the decaying city and last- minute transformation; this is him in a chair and her on the couch. He envisions a future of potpourri on the bedside table and psychology texts under the blankets, and his heart breaks a little.
“That’s bullshit. It was an interlude. You’re not supposed to have interludes with other people.” She can already tell how this argument is going to go. She will end up hurting his feelings just to get an appropriate response, and then she will feel guilty. This time, she will be wrong, because it’s the middle of the end, and because they are not actually a perpetual motion machine. Oddly, she doesn’t immediately feel guilty for reading his journal. It was the natural response to his secrecy, his way of never laying himself bare, while she walked around with her skin inside out for him.
“It wasn’t an interlude. She told me she sometimes wished I didn’t have a girlfriend, so I kissed her. There was no ‘interlude.’ I don’t even know what you mean by that.” He is more patient, now on familiar ground. Semantics is comfortable, she likes semantics.
I think you should know that on a hot June night in 1997, he filled their bedroom with fireflies. Their periodic, silent, mating calls looked like constellations against the dark walls. He did this for her: a small boy with a crush and a secret in his cupped hands. She didn’t get it. Its rarity left her with no context. I think you should also know that he will never forgive this, and she soon forgot it.
They sit in silence for a while. She is tempted to argue semantics, but is unable to find the energy. She begins to pull her skin right side out, one finger after another, like a polite glove. It is a process that will end with an affected shrug of the shoulders, months afterward.
I remember seeing her smile reveal a beauty she only possessed when she saw him from across a room. It is love that transforms, not need, I thought of telling him but didn’t. I remember when he confided that she was his muse: that no matter how much she exposed to him there was always a reserve—an internal, solitary dancer he could only guess at. But I am good at keeping secrets, and I will never tell. They wouldn’t believe me anyway, those things are secrets for a reason, and who am I to argue with what people know?
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the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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codycooper reviewed Version 1 -
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Great display of how a couples love can fade over time. The part about the fireflies is very touching, and if this were a longer story and this scene had come before all of this it would be a nice foreshadowing device. Her ignorance to how hard it is get all of the bugs and his amazement at her ignorance. I have to say that the voice of the narrator is unclear. At first, it seemed omniscient, but at the end it switched to first person. Is it the journal speaking? Or is it the girlfriend referring to herself in the third person? This is the only iffy part I found about this story, especially when she starts referring to the other she then back to herself (as she) in the same sentence.
As for the jumping around in time I always follow this rule: If it’s there for a reason, then you had better earn it. It is earned here. The narrator isn’t annoying, it’s just a little unclear as to who/what it is. Once the narrator comes in and starts to talk about the three characters it bumped me right out of the story and made me focus way too much on who was talking and less on what was going to happen with the characters. Annoying, no. Distracting, yes. If you haven’t already (I’m sure you have, but for me, it’s just not clear. I have to give you that much credit), I would think long and hard about who the narrator is. If it’s just an all knowing voice, then its inner dialog needs to be fixed as listed above. If it is from one of the characters, then it also needs to be changed. If the voice has any sort of identity, we need to see that, for sure and in no uncertain terms, somewhere in the story. Even it the identity is exposed at the very end, that would be fine (also a great little hook to entice an immediate second reading).
If you would like any further suggestions and/or comment of future drafts please feel free to contact me.
Thanks for the great read!
Cody Cooper
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marshmellotoast reviewed Version 1 -
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It was inspiring. Really. And I don’t think the narrator is annoying or the jumping about in time, it’s good to push bountries and being confined to chronologicality is boring. I think I just made up the word chronologicality. It seems right, right? Anyway, I really did like it. I thought the narrator was the author, but then at the end it seems like the narrator was a third person in the story. You should establish that in the begining.
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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This reminded me of the episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel were having problems and they took a “break” and he slept with someone else.
I think part of the problem is the break between the partners wasn’t clearly defined. There to him they had broken up, to her, they were still together and just taking some needed time apart. It’s important to make sure that all parties know what they want and what they need. I don’t think these two did that.
Another thing that struck me was the fact that she was in the wrong for reading his journal. I’m not saying that she didn’t have the right to know, just not the right to go through his personal belongings. Unless the book was left open on the table with the page that said, “last night I kissed…” she had no right to go through it. What’s it they always say? When you go looking for stuff, you usually find it?
Anyway, the only thing I didn’t get was the part about the smoking. I don’t understand how it’s relevant to the story. Other than that, no obvious grammatical errors jumped out at me.
I think it was a great start!
A_Silly_Lady_Novelist reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmm. I like this, but I’m having a hard time pointing exactly what it is that draws me in (Not that I’m trying to say your writing is bad; not at all.) I love the description of the girl’s skin inside out, and the parallel “heart breaks.” A few minor things that seemed off to me: the “said he” in the beginning, and the semantics “is” comfortable. (I did like the glimpse of the girl’s character you gave us by saying she likes semantics, though.) Your use of the narrator is interesting; in a way, the scene almost feels a bit to intimate for someone outside of the couple to be telling it, if that makes any sense. I’d like to know more about the narrator, and how he is related to the people in the story. One thing that really works for me is the way you let us into “his” and “her” heads by explaining how she doesn’t feel guilty about reading the diary, and how they were both affected by the firefly event.
Good work, overall.
c2darad reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ve never read anything set up quite like this before. It’s strange but it made me feel sad at how cynical it seemed, and then ended up really connecting with me as I thought of how lovers are to each other in real life and I felt warmed. I think the whole thing is truly original and really brilliant. The way you end it is perfect, with a question that shouldn’t be answered. Nothing was annoying or confusing at all, as asked in your message to reviewers.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay! Here goes…I really didn’t like the narration because it was bit confusing. I wasn’t sure whether this was a story being told in 3rd person or 1st person. Plus it got a bit annoying seeing the phrase “I should say at this point”. It was distraction and took me out the story. It like you’re reading a good part and someone tapping you on the story and interrupting you. I didnt’ have problem with you jumping about in time. You might want to make your transitions a little smoother though. Overall, I liked it and look forward to reading more.
jenbabe4198 reviewed Version 1 -
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The characters annoyed me more than the narrator just because they seem like they shouldn’t be together & the jumping around in tiem is fine, but it does take away from the flow of the story. Also, it feels like this piece has no end. You opened up with something interesting (him kissing another woman), but then you told us about their relationship instead of the incident. You can tell us about their relationship through the dialogue that they have. This would take away from the anecdotes about past incidents in their relationship, but I’m sure that the reader would get a better picture of their relatinship if you have the character speak instead of telling us what to think about the characters.
mr_tom reviewed Version 1 -
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Really nice, like the way its narrated and your use of the mechanism to address the reader, to jump into the past and back again with out any upheaval to the structure. Absolutely love the smoking paragraph, wonderfully humorous at the same time as being quite bitter, also sets up their relationship well and shows the way that they interact in a very economic way. Also really liked the fireflies image, very poetic. Brilliantly strong characters that work well together.
Have a couple of questions, is the narrator a friend or on looker? Up until the final paragraph it isn’t an issue but when they begin to talk about themselves it threw me off a bit. I also didn’t really get the ‘skin right side out’ part but that could just be me. I think that maybe the idea that they have rules could be developed as it gives a bit more of an insight into their relationship at the moment, as you go into their past but don’t say much about the journey to now.
Really really like it, makes me want to read more of your stuff.
thisisnotanexit reviewed Version 1 -
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this strikes me as being astonishingly emotionally precise. as of someone reaching in, carefully grabbing and twisting. the sense of balance and composition is just right, i think: you know names are unnecessary, and would clutter the thing. and, given that the dialogue doesn’t resolve, and cannot stand on its own, you interpolate a narrative that is temporally distinct, but nonetheless contextualises the dialogue with occasionally heartstopping grace. that movement in time isn’t intrusive, i don’t think, but i shall come to that.
that first line the narrator has is immediate enough to buy you some time, i think. moreover, the careful cruelty of that paragraph is laid out in a manner so gentle and unadorned that it is difficult to look away. but, reaching the end of the second paragraph of exposition, we find that hearts are again breaking a little, and this tempts the reader to look for deeper structure. gradually, it becomes apparent: the first two lines are a pair; the inversion gives that away. then two paragraphs of (analeptic, mostly) exposition, both triggered by a line of dialogue. again, it’s the musical variation that really makes this work: ‘i should say at this point’/’and at this point i should say’ and ‘her heart broke a little’/’his heart breaks a little’.
and then, if i have this correctly, it becomes concentric: everything centres on fireflies in june 1997. structurally, that episode is an apotheosis of sorts – a kind of metonym for what they are and are not to each other. moving outwards, this episode is nestled in a short and then a long paragraph. this is pleasingly symmetrical. the imagery is pleasingly symmetrical too, but seems shifted a step out of phase: an elegant variation. and so ‘semantics’ comes back around, as does that singular, jarring image of ‘skin inside out’. and his secrecy is picked up again in the last paragraph, where he alludes to her secrecy, and the narrator professes to being ‘good at keeping secrets’. all this in mind, i think to find the narrator/jumping around in time annoying would leave you with little to like.
as i say (have i said it enough?), the images are pitch-perfect and wonderfully redolent. there is an enviable economy of phrase, and a deft awareness of rhythm that instills sentences like ‘she didn’t get it’ with an uncommon power to bring the reader up short, and sadder. you manage aphorism without pretension – ‘it is love that transforms, not need’ – and can talk of secrets in cupped hands and internal, solitary dancers without these these things seeming worked-at or forced in. but i think this is because you perpetually have one eye on what’s true. all these are rare.
i think he likes semantics, not her.
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