Flash Fiction / Homecoming
He eased open the back door, grimacing with the attempt to wish away the usual squeal of the lower-middle-class door hinges. He had spent two hours in a seedy pub to delay his homecoming until after Patty would be asleep. She always wanted to chatter at him when he came home from a business trip. Jeff was too tired from traveling all night, the two beers at the bar,and of her.
Illuminated only by the green LED display on the microwave, the kitchen and house beyond, were silent. Jeff sighed with relief. Dropping his briefcase on the table for Patty to complain about in the morning, he tiptoed across the linoleum to the fridge, praying for a cold soda.
Something burst beneath his shoe like overripe fruit. His nose wrinkled as a foul odor wafted up. When he was twelve, his brother had put a dead catfish in one of his fishing waders. He had found it two months later before a camping trip. This was like that.
Jeff darted for the light switch and looked down at the floor. A woman’s feet and legs were visible from behind the island counter. Hibiscus pink nail polish, Patty’s favorite color, tipped the toes. Whirls of black mold decorated the thick ankles and calves like some sort of funerary tattoo. He had stepped on one leg and the flesh had sloughed off like the skin of a boiled tomato.
He took one faltering step forward. Patty lay spread-eagle on her back, her hand still clutching an oozing carton of sour cream. A small gray-green creature held Patty’s nose in its hand as if it were an apple. Blood dripped from its teeth as it grinned up at him.
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The second sentence is somewhat awkward and should be divided into two seperate thoughts. Or change the wording of “delay his homecoming until after Patty would be asleep”. This just doesn’t read right and because it happens at the beginning of the story it distracts me and doesn’t motivate me to read on.
The last sentence of the first paragraph also doesn’t read right and should be changed. The reason being you have three seperate things he’s tired from. He’s tired from traveling, he’s tired from drinking, and he’s tired from of her. The “of her” just isn’t right.
The first sentence of the second paragraph makes no sense either.
I didn’t even want to read on, HOWEVER, when I got to the last two paragraphs the story exploded with detail, excitement and gore. I love everything about the last two paragraphs and you did a great job for flash fiction. But the first two paragraphs are bogging down your story.
Clean this up and you’ll have a great piece on your hands.
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I hate to give you bad ratings, but there was a fatal flaw with your fatal story. I can appreciate the mixed feelings of finding someone like this dead on the floor, but there was no resolution, no real plot line to make the piece a complete story. We are given some character development and then, boom, a death and nothing to lead us in how we are supposed to feel about this. Was she cheating? Does he feel freedom? Is he forlorn? Confused? We know nothing, because all we get is a creature and a bloody grin. It’s a shame, because you certainly have an idea here, but without a complete story, you have the flash, but no fiction. I’d love to read a revised edition and rate it accordingly. Especially because you write well.
Overall, I like this little piece.
I think that by the bit about the catfish needs a little work. It was very abrupt and I wasn’t sure at first what you were going on about. Maybe you could add some sort of transition at he beginning of the line that will tell the reader that you are describing the scent.
I wish that you had described the creature more. I wasn’t able to picture it clearly.
I hope you expand this piece – it shows great promise.
I think what you have is a great 3/4s of a story. You set up your character well, you had me nervous and cringing, so the shock and fear aspect was there. But the end was a bit off. There was a chilling climax and then nothing else, no reaction from Jeff, nothing from the creature except for it grinning (creepy!). I’ve got no clue what you’d do from there, but it just felt unfinished to me.
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