Poetry / Breathe (Analysis)

This piece most definately shows your potential. But, I’m sorry It wasn’t my favorite read. It seem a bit choppy as if you were stuggling for words along the way. It has a great story line I would have to say just to work on the flow of your writing if it is akward said aloud it will be akward written down. That’s just a little something I keep in mind.

I have to say that this was, to me, all over the place.  I found it very hard, as a reader, to keep up with your underlying theme.  I think you are on the right track, and should definitely keep trying until you find your niche.

I’m sorry but I did not really like it. The syllables for each line did not for and it was really choppy. That distracted me from the poem itself, and from what I did get from the poem, it really confused me. I didn’t understand it. Maybe if you add/delete some words from lines, and maybe add a few rhymes, it will flow a lot more easily. Then people can concentrate less on the choppiness, and more on the poem itself.

you wrote someone else’s poem well. that sounds a lot harsher than it really is, your talent is undeniable, but your imagery seems to come elsewhere, this looks like the idea of a poem rather than a poem. keep shooting, because you never missed. but use your own gun.

Good read. Touch me, baby, once, in a place that matters
Hold me twice, with a gaze. These are great words. I enjoyed also the song titles worked in.

While I understand what you are trying to do here, I think it would work better if you used your own words instead. I love music and lyrics too, but something about this piece seems stilted. As a reader I am not left in the experience but gliding along the surface on a cliché carpet ride.

your interweaving of songs and their context into this poem is great…good structure: your line lengths support a good flow as it is read.

Only one idea i dont understand: “The voice rings ….”to the gasping awe in reverence” to generations….

voice ringing to gasping awe?

i dont know…but does that matter anyway?

a poem speaks its own language, to analyze too much is to destroy.

I love the purposeful contradictions of this piece. Isn’t there a lyric from a John Lennon song about wanting to say everything and nothing at all. This a beautifully constructed poem with a lot of very intelligent word choice. And the shout out to sixties rock songs also gives me a thrill.

Punctuation on “One two three.” throw in some commas just to keep the grammar police of your back. Some of the flow feels a bit off in the last stansa.

“The voice rings on like the Wind
Cries Mary and Joseph to the
gasping awe in reverence to generations
Lost in the sands of time, slipping away.
Feeling good, only good to sing the blues”

Lost in the sands of time… sing the blues. this part of the stansa feels out of place as if you were looking for a bow to tie this up with.  I like the flow of it and see it more as something that should remain open. I would end with “gasping with reverence.”
Overall excellent work. hope to see more soon.

Your use of song titles/lyrics is fun…I especially like “Wind Cries Mary and Joseph.” It does feel a little forced, though, almost as if the words in between the songs are an afterthought. I can’t really find much meaning in the bulk of the poem.

Fuckin double 10’s! You rock! I havent seen someone work in song titles into poem this creativly and effectivly, well…. ever. Its awesome. You do it under the radar, so only people who like this kind of music know how clever you’re really being. (me)

You’re awesome.