Poetry / Desirae
Desirae
We sit aimlessly within each other’s company
Just outside the fence of the blue-lit runway,
Watching the rain glisten on the windshield,
Illuminating the ocean of lights before us.
We wish the night would never end
As we curse that moment that looms,
But what can we do?
I harbor you in the time that we do make stand still.
Trying to squeeze years out of mere minutes,
We tremble in each other’s arms
Forcing the air to become scarce between our lips,
You release a faint sigh of relief and passion
That takes me for miles.
I feel the warmth of your breath, the moisture of your lips
So subtly on my neck,
As my fingers make paths through your hair,
So soft, like freshly woven silk of the sheets
We could share, should share, will share,
In due time.
I would love nothing more
But to sing our song to the world,
To make jealousy run cold through its veins,
Forcing it to crumble at our feet.
Forget the neigh-sayers,
With their hardened hearts and envious eyes,
Let them talk on
With their empty words and pointing fingers,
Because we hold all of the sticks and stones,
And you all of me,
From now until forevermore, amen.
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I see all the pieces of the poem are here. You have great descriptive lines, the blue-lit runway, the ocean of lights, tying in to your use of “harbor,” in line 8. I think they could benefit from a reordering, however:
Begin with the purely descriptive lines, follow up with purely descriptive lines, and then when the poem is ready for its “volta,” or turn, gather the lines that comment upon the scene. Then, return to the purely descriptive lines to finish. This is a structure common to many narrative poems, and I think it will serve you well.
Can’t hurt to try, in any case. Nicely done.
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Im not quite sure what you were trying to achieve with this line,
‘And you all of me,’ is it meant to say ‘And you own all of me,’?
‘From now until forevermore, amen.’ This line isnt technically right. Forevermore is more appropriate without the until, but still off. Until makes forevermore a moment in time, as in ‘now until sunrise’. Without the now it makes it sound a little better. But if you changed forevermore altogether i think it would dramatically improve the line. You could have ‘From now until forever,’ although that is probably a little over-used.
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