Horror / Nephilim (Analysis)
1
Sadie Covington was a naturally beautiful woman. Her paper sack brown skin was smooth and even tone with nary a freckle, stretch mark or mole. Thick black curls crowned her head like an ebony halo. Milk chocolate eyes stared out from a kind and cherubic face. She was short in stature with a perfect hour glass figure; ample breasts, tiny waist, and round hips.
A stunning beauty she was but very approachable. She had the type of personality that made everyone around her feel comfortable. Intimidating, she was not. Pretty but a bit clumsy; sexy but a bit silly; the type that looked stunning in an one dollar thrift store dress and four hundred dollar shoes. She ate Froot Loops from a crystal bowl and wore evening gowns with Minnie Mouse thongs. Her toes spread when she laughed; open mouthed, teary eyed, loud, and full of sincerity. Nothing was too fine or too common. She knew when to be a lady and knew when to raise sand. She was honest but not hurtful, funny but not vulgar, sweet but not stupid. Sadie was the kind of woman that was easy to talk to, easy to please, and easier to fall in love with.
Every Sunday morning she sat on a small iron stool, leaning on her kitchen counter eating fruit salad and doing the new crossword puzzle. And, this Sunday morning she was doing the same. The sound of led touching paper filled the room. Fragrant lilacs and vanilla rose from burning candles and floated through the room as she scribbled odd vocabulary words unto the wrinkled paper. The phone rang. She dropped her pencil on the floor, grabbed it with her toes, passed it to her hand, and placed it upon the counter.
“Hello,” Sadie said as she rolled her eyes upward. She hated her Sunday morning peace to be disturbed but she was glad to have to get up from the stool. Her legs were asleep. She tried to shake off the pins and needles feeling and massaged her calves with her free hand. “Hello,” she asked again; this time with an obvious level of annoyance in her voice.
“Hey baby. What’re you up to?” a man’s voice echoed through the receiver. His voice was baritone and penetrating with a slight southern drawl; the kind of voice that echoed with strength and sent your soul back to times of muscled farmhands, aching Hebrew backs breaking under Egyptian whips, Nubian princes wearing crowns of gold, clay inhaling and becoming a living soul. It was raspy, ancient and immortal, reeking with virility.
“Relaxing,” she answered. She sat back on the stool and picked up her pencil once more. She held the phone with her shoulder and took a sip of white grape peach juice. “Mr. Tucker, is there anything in particular that you need?” A new word was scribbled onto the puzzle.
“I need to hear your voice,” he replied in a tone indicated that he was smiling.
She smiled and put the pencil down.
“You have my attention,” she cooed. “Now that you hear my voice, is there anything else you need from me?” Sadie took a bite of fruit and attempted to chew it as quietly as possible. She plunged her fork into her bowl for the last chunk but the fruit missed her mouth, leaving a sticky juice trail down her chin. Sadie picked the fruit up off the counter with her teeth and savored its tangy sweet taste.
“No, your voice is sufficient. To hear it makes me realize how lucky I am to have the pleasure of having you as a fiancé. Relax yourself. I’ll call you back after you finish your puzzle. I know how important your quiet time is to you,” said James.
“Aren’t you the sweetest thing in the great state of Georgia?” she asked rhetorically in her best southern belle accent, grinning as she wiped her chin with her forearm.
“Baby, I am the sweetest thing in the world,” James laughed.
“I was wondering when the modesty would fade,” Sadie joined in with the laughter. “I will have to talk to you later. I do want to finish my puzzle and then run some errands. Maybe you can come over for dinner if you are not busy. My parents are coming in from their retirement home in Florida and I would like you to finally meet them. They are very curious about the man who has asked their daughter to marry.”
“Around what time?” James questioned, a bit of nervousness in his voice. The thought of meeting her parents made him uncomfortable. He was not the kind of guy who cared about others approval but Sadie’s parents were important to her. James prayed that they liked him. After all, he felt he was a pretty cool dude.
“Maybe seven,” Sadie answered, twirling her short hair with her fingers. The tiny curls hugged her fingers like onyx rings. “They can’t wait to meet you. I have told them so much about you. I’ll have all the ones I love together. Dinner will be perfect.”
“I don’t know about that. Are you cooking or are we going out?”
“Boy you need to stop. You know I can cook,” Sadie giggled.
“You do aight I guess,” James joked.
“I’ll cook. I really don’t feel like dressing up,” she said, dismissing his remark. Sadie knew James loved her food. He ate at her table like a run away slave getting a meal after running barefoot through six states.
“So, I can just throw on some jeans and a T?” asked James.
“Sure, why not. You look amazing in simple jeans and a T,” answered Sadie. A naughty grin curled her lips. An image of James in a fitted white T-shirt filled her thoughts. She could see his ripped arms, his broad shoulders, and reminisced on the way his abdominal muscles formed a perfect eight pack and how his legs were so large and well made. His skin was so black that he looked purple and it was so smooth that it felt unnatural. The room seemed to get a bit hotter. She took a sip of juice and tightly crossed her legs to curb the tickling pang in her loins.
“Thank you baby,” James responded. “I’ll be there. Is there anything that you want for me to bring?”
“Dessert, anything but cake. I went to two weddings and three baby showers last month and I ate so much cake that I’m surprised I am not sweating icing.”
James laughed. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“I appreciate that baby. I really can’t wait to see you tonight. You are going to really love my dad. You will absolutely fall in love with my mom after she gets to know you.”
“I’m sure,” James’ voice cracked.
You don’t sound sure. Everything will be great. You’ll see. Well, my love, let me get back to me-time.”
“Okay sweet stuff. I’ll talk to you later.”
“I love you,” said Sadie.
“I love you more.”
“Goodbye,” she said.
“Bye,” James responded and hung up the phone.
Sadie placed the receiver back on the hook and sat back down. The back of her thighs stuck to the soft leather of the stool. Every move sounded like flatulence. Her tiny shorts provided no buffer. She adjusted her legs and picked up her pencil once more.
After fifteen minutes, she finished the puzzle and folded the paper. She yawed loud and stretched her entire body until she formed a gigantic “X.” With a lazy push, she slid from the stool, making her shorts ride above her cheeks. She pulled them down and inserted her pointer finger in her ear and wiggled it as fast as she could, secretly loving the ear orgasm. The silence of her loft seemed to squeal in her ears. She walked into the kitchen. The cold floor was like ice to her bare feet so she rose upon her toes. She hit the power button on the radio that sat on the counter. Nothing. She checked the plug. It was in.
“I just bought this radio. I can’t believe it is not working,” she mumbled. Sadie unplugged it and the music came on. She flipped the unit upside down. There were no batteries. Instantly the volume blared. Sadie dropped the radio to the floor, barely missing her foot. She bent to pick it up. The entire room dropped at least twenty degrees in temperature. She could feel her skin like it was a foreign object. Her heart thumped. She bolted up. Her feet were glued to the floor as her eyes searched every corner of the room. A flapping-fluttering sound filled the room. Sadie pressed her palms tight against her ears. A single tear ran down her face. Chill bumps cascaded down every inch of her body. A strong breeze wrapped around her like a blanket of ice. Her T-shirt waved like a hand with no bones. The gust became so strong that she could hardly keep her footing. She turned her eyes to the window. It was closed. Everything outside seemed undisturbed. Even the leaves on the trees stood suspended in motionlessness.
“What’s happening? Who’s here?” she screamed. “I’ll call the police! I have a gun!” she lied. “Show yourself!”
The kitchen light flickered. The sound grew louder. She wrapped her arms around her head. A gust of wind blew her to the floor. Sadie fell hard on her behind.
“Oh God! What’s going on?” she cried, looking around the room, her hands vigorously massaging her tail bone. She saw movement. Sweat formed on her brow. Sadie reverberated off of the floor and pulled a butcher knife out of the knife rack.
A dark shadow fell upon her face. The knife hit the floor, its wooden handle making an echoing thud. Sadie’s eyes stretched in horror, utter disbelief. Her mouth opened and her lips tore back, exposing all teeth and gums. A scream fell silent upon her lips as two large hands grabbed hold of her shoulders and lifted her unconscious body into the air.
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I think its too early to tell if it is a horror or thriller.
but it is very good.
I don’t beleive that much needs working on.
i do think that the end of this chapter was a bit fast.
id say, slow it down a bit and take your time describing how scared she is.
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ok, i like your characters, and how you’re starting to establish them. but it’s kind of hard to get a real handle on the story because it’s only a section of it? resubmit it afetr you have the first chapter done and then you can get a better overall critique. I’m not putting down your work by any means i do like it. it’s just hard to critique an unfinished piece.
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This is interesting. I noticed some places where your word choice could be improved, but it’s not a biggie. Like where you describe her, use toned instead of tone. I also feel like some old British guy is the one narrating this, you try a little much to get your tone across. Maybe modernize it a bit? It just doesn’t feel like a horror piece in certain areas.
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