Poetry / oceans (Analysis)
Her tongue, parchment-touched and vague
has found a voice. It too was lost,
a star-flecked tide until it saw its shore;
now a pale flower, now
a song of belly-hidden pearls,
it birthed and was born.
Fishermen may weave rope, taut
and clever as the night-wind
but empty as the sea is dark
they will return.
Grave will be their longing
their sighs as ocean breath,
and sore their feet from leaning
hard against the waves.
Heart precarious
entwined as the cry of gulls
with hope, with beaches of
white sand and hope,
with hunger and a thirst
for fruit, for guavas
and coconuts heavy with nectar,
heavy as day is heavy
with heat and hurt and distance
blue to all horizons;
heavy as oceans and
oceans under rain,
heavy as wind caught in sails,
my heart is heavy
with yearning to see you.
To see you and not this
slate, not this swell and tide,
this foam and salt and brine
so heavy under too much sky.
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The first stanza is beautiful but i don’t quite get it. I think it is the way it is punctuated. I cannot tell where the sentences begin and end, even with the semicolon’s. A lot of repetition is going on in the third stanza.
I never saw such a beautiful bunch of words put down in such a puzzling way. I have read and re-read and i do not know what you are talking about, here. You might mean to say that an ocean was a sky before it was created. I do not make a habit of doggin someones work and i never well. I believe this poem is more of a stream of conscience, and there is nothing wrong with that. I would like to see it restructured. I am not much of a poet. I tell people this whenever they see my work. You might send this review to urbis with my blessing and try to get your points back, ok? I will say that i love the last verse. I feel a yearning in there. It brings out my on emotion and this is good.Respectfully Sandi
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nice job,I can sea the ocean and all its entiety. could use more rhyme, but still flows quite well.
While I admit to a limited connoisseurship of poetry, I liked about ½ of this poem. You lost me at the line “Heart precarious entwined as the cry of gulls with hope, with beaches of…” From this point on your thoughts seem to become jumbled and irrelevant. I did, however, thoroughly enjoy many aspects of this poem. I really liked your personification of “clever as the night-wind”. With a little work, the rest of your poem could be as stunning as the first stanzas.
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