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Short Story / The Obsession
He knows only one truth, and that is the color of Alexander’s hair.
It is most exquisite, such a beautiful red. He searches for ways to describe it. So red. Old roses or thinning, wine-colored maple leaves pressed between forgotten pages – that color.
Yet, the more he tries to capture it with his brush and palette-knife, he cannot. The more he writes of it, the less he is able to see it. The more he desires to describe its features, the more they blur and become amalgamous in his mind’s eye. It is not unlike the touch of time upon a much-loved and too often-visited memory.
He has not fallen in love with the man. This is what he himself reasons. No, rather happily married and sadly widowed, with a bright young son of his own and three daughters, he is beyond the age of scandals. His son is nearly of Alexander’s years, with fair hair and a kind demeanor. He may even know of Alexander; but he is far away and tending to his Oxford studies. He cannot be bothered with his father’s madness.
His daughters call on him. Two of them, anyway. The eldest, motherly and trite, she wraps a throw around his shoulders when she visits, complains of the housemaid’s neglect, and builds up the fire. She can’t be bothered to pick up the books or attend to the oils, frames, and canvases. Hasn’t he any money to get better help? she says. Hasn’t he any way of finding someone who could properly look after him?
And he drifts into Alexander’s hair, his fingers tangled in it, the redness falling in gentle waves around him. That color! A dumb, mute smile comes to his lips until she is gone, and after.
He ventures forth one evening, to a pub. Deliver some paintings requested by the keeper for an acquaintance. Sit down, the rotund man says, have an ale. The wifey’s got some beef on weck in the back, he says.
So he sits. And ponders how he came to be here, that is until a raucous from the other end of the long room catches his attention. Several boisterous youths. He is reaching for his hat when he hears his name.
And there, none other than Alexander. In a quite drunken state he is seated with many other young men, some of them drinking, some with white, long-stemmed pipes. His wig is askance. He smiles a bleary smile, extends his arm with his glass raised. “Come, Ottonio!”
But he recoils from Alexander, whose clothes are in disarray as the other revelers’ are, and his shirt is undone to his breast, showing bare a curve of neck.
Even as he stares with dismay at the spectacle, he is roiled with disgust. He begins to back away.
“Ottonio is a fine artist of the Italian school, no?” Alexander’s eyes dance with the glow of the hearth beside him. He is all red and beaming, filled with the terrible rush of life and youth. He leers to one side a moment, and the wig slips off his head. Blood red dribbling curls fall around Alexander’s face and he laughs.
He cannot bear the sight, that color… He pulls the hat down hard around his ears, hears it ripping somewhere. And he is dashing out the door. Away from all that warmth, that life, that gush of youthful vigor, that fire, those curls, that color…
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent opening line: it’s real and weirdly original.
I am impressed. The motif of Alexander’s hair is perfect. Your handling of the back-and-forth of prose and dialogue is masterful.
An older man coming to terms with his (not so uncommon) fascination with youth and the attractiveness of younger men. You brought this off. Applause.
Please stay on Urbis.
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Benjman reviewed Version 1 -
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A few places that are awkward.
“She can’t be bothered to pick up the books or attend…”
I assumed you were talking about the sister, who is the subject in the previous sentences.
“No, rather happily married and sadly widowed”
I still don’t understand what you mean here. Is he married or widowed? Saying he is both is confusing.
“Deliver some paintings…”
This is awkward, maybe “To deliver…”
I like how you link Ottonio’s madness to his art. You have some great descriptions here. I was confused when Ottonio ran away, if he is “obsessed” I would expect him to stay and stare.
LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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-Wow. Well… this is under the short story category, so I am to assume it is a SS. In that sense, it left me unsatisfied. Who is Alexander? A random person the main character is obsessed with-for artistic purposes, or sexual (even though he denies them to himself)?
-In the beginning I felt the main character liked the color of Alexander’s hair, yet in the very last paragraph it is clear he cannot stand it….cannot stand it like he is so obsessed/in lust with the color? Or he literally does not like it?
-For me there are too many unanswered questions for this to be a completed SS…but that is my opinion. I know many SS are like this, leaving the reader guessing, assuming/creating their own versions and endings of the story…but personally I like a story to be wrapped up on it’s own. I would be more interested in this if I knew it were a part of a larger piece; it’s something I would be interested in reading it there were more to it. But of course, the writing was great, descriptions very well done. =)
occupational_hedonist reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the idea behind this and the story. It does feel like it is lacking something. This is a story about obsession and while the core story is there, I still don’t feel the intensity or the emotions of the protagonist. You focus a lot on outside descriptions, but I think this piece could benefit with more introspection, more on the emotions that the main character is feeling. The reader should be able to feel the intensity of the obsession, they should be able to feel it or at least understand how it feels to feel that.
I would love to see some expansion on it. I adore the concept and I think this could be a really good piece. Looking forward to seeing the next draft.
likelytodance reviewed Version 1 -
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There isn’t much of a story here yet. I don’t really feel like we get to see the character at all, in fact I’m not sure I even believe him. You do have a start, a beginning, and even an end, but you need to fill in all the middle. I need to actually see him painting. It’s just skimmed through so quickly that it feels like this is the amount of time that he’s put into painting Alexander. Where did he meet or see Alexander first? Give us a few flashbacks. Let me see how the main character acts with his daughters. We’re told what they say, but not anything else. Create that scenes. You need to have scenes within this. Right now it just floats along and there isnt’ much there to ground this into something real and readable.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was great. It was king of a one person love story. I just liked how he was obsessed with this kid and they way he reacted in the bar was perfect. What I like the most is the way you describe your characters. You didnt do it by saying he had red hair, you made it more complex. The scene in the bar had perfect description of him and his friends being drunken guys.
roguescholar reviewed Version 1 -
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as eloquent as poetry but fluid and easy to read. The description of the red hair flirts with greatness.
this line particularly grabbed me: Old roses or thinning, wine-colored maple leaves pressed between forgotten pages
you have a beautiful grasp of the language.
ValCapone reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, I’m not a fan of the title. It seems as if this person hasn’t had this “obsession” for very long. Not long enough to be an obsession, anyway. And it’s not as all-consuming as the title would have us believe, given that he isn’t really going crazy to capture this colour. He takes a few stabs at it, isn’t satisfied, but doesn’t seem to be turning his life upside-down to get at the “truth” of this colour.
Also, this character is far too easily dissuaded from following his supposed obsession, just because the man with the red hair comes onto him while he’s drunk. If it were truly an obsession, it would take more than that. Or at least require more back-story to explain this sudden total revulsion.
So what is this story really about? If it’s about obsession, then go bigger. If it’s about something else, whatever this inability to find the right shade represents, then we need to get more hints as to what the man is REALLY looking for. The ending is too quick, too convenient. He’s “obsessed,” but he drops his obsession so quickly. Give us more of everything: the characters, their needs, their wants, their desires, their reasoning, their madness. Make everything bigger, more detailed, more pronounced. Right now, it’s too “nice.” Don’t be afraid to be mean, to colour outside the lines, to get bold.
ShiriHatcher reviewed Version 1 -
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Your story is pretty good. But I gotten a bit confused near the end, since I didn’t really know who ran out of the door. I simply assumed it was the narrator who escaped away because he was thinking about the color of Alexander’s hair which was red. The blood red strands of hair seem to haunt him because he was finding a way to describe it. The ending wasn’t too clear… but that’s my opinion. I also couldn’t find out why would the color “red” would describe: “life” and a “gush of youthful vigor”. When most people see Red, they would symbolize it to fire, destruction and heat. Other than that, the story is good but picking the color Red don’t seem like the type of color that goes with your descriptions.
AlexSDS reviewed Version 1 -
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You write very well and have some fantastic descriptions in this piece.
It seemed to me that this piece isn’t finished yet, it ended rather abruptly and I felt like you could explore the obsession a little farther. The scene at the pub was interesting, especially when it interferes with Ottonio’s fascination with Alexander’s hair. I felt you could delve into this a little farther and make for a much more powerful and punchy ending.
This was an interesting piece and well written. Keep it up.
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