You can’t feel the intensity here?
Sorry, I am amazed.
Short Story / The Obsession
He knows only one truth, and that is the color of Alexander’s hair.
It is most exquisite, such a beautiful red. He searches for ways to describe it. So red. Old roses or thinning, wine-colored maple leaves pressed between forgotten pages – that color.
Yet, the more he tries to capture it with his brush and palette-knife, he cannot. The more he writes of it, the less he is able to see it. The more he desires to describe its features, the more they blur and become amalgamous in his mind’s eye. It is not unlike the touch of time upon a much-loved and too often-visited memory.
He has not fallen in love with the man. This is what he himself reasons. No, rather happily married and sadly widowed, with a bright young son of his own and three daughters, he is beyond the age of scandals. His son is nearly of Alexander’s years, with fair hair and a kind demeanor. He may even know of Alexander; but he is far away and tending to his Oxford studies. He cannot be bothered with his father’s madness.
His daughters call on him. Two of them, anyway. The eldest, motherly and trite, she wraps a throw around his shoulders when she visits, complains of the housemaid’s neglect, and builds up the fire. She can’t be bothered to pick up the books or attend to the oils, frames, and canvases. Hasn’t he any money to get better help? she says. Hasn’t he any way of finding someone who could properly look after him?
And he drifts into Alexander’s hair, his fingers tangled in it, the redness falling in gentle waves around him. That color! A dumb, mute smile comes to his lips until she is gone, and after.
He ventures forth one evening, to a pub. Deliver some paintings requested by the keeper for an acquaintance. Sit down, the rotund man says, have an ale. The wifey’s got some beef on weck in the back, he says.
So he sits. And ponders how he came to be here, that is until a raucous from the other end of the long room catches his attention. Several boisterous youths. He is reaching for his hat when he hears his name.
And there, none other than Alexander. In a quite drunken state he is seated with many other young men, some of them drinking, some with white, long-stemmed pipes. His wig is askance. He smiles a bleary smile, extends his arm with his glass raised. “Come, Ottonio!”
But he recoils from Alexander, whose clothes are in disarray as the other revelers’ are, and his shirt is undone to his breast, showing bare a curve of neck.
Even as he stares with dismay at the spectacle, he is roiled with disgust. He begins to back away.
“Ottonio is a fine artist of the Italian school, no?” Alexander’s eyes dance with the glow of the hearth beside him. He is all red and beaming, filled with the terrible rush of life and youth. He leers to one side a moment, and the wig slips off his head. Blood red dribbling curls fall around Alexander’s face and he laughs.
He cannot bear the sight, that color… He pulls the hat down hard around his ears, hears it ripping somewhere. And he is dashing out the door. Away from all that warmth, that life, that gush of youthful vigor, that fire, those curls, that color…
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rollingbolus reviewed Version 1 -
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Oookookachoo reviewed Version 1 -
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This first sentence was beautifully written.
It’s a shame you separated it from the rest of the paragraph. Doing this appears self-indulgent, as if the writer was so in love with first few words.
‘Amalgamous’ seems out of place, like it belongs in a politicians speech.
I felt bad having to give the piece such low marks for ‘Publishable Overall’, ‘Publishable Short Story’ and ‘Short Story Overall’ I know of no publication that will even consider such short pieces. It’s not a story. It could be a good first page and a half of a story.
So much of this is very eloquent. But because it went nowhere it’s eloquence comes off as pretentious. Now If a writer could maintain this eloquence for say…4000 words, prententiousness becomes…skill.
I would be interested to know if you have written more of this. Yes, I would like to read it.
A very good first page. Work harder.
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avedis reviewed Version 1 -
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Not so much a story as a vignette, this works very well and could be part of a series on obsessions. Some may want descriptions of Ottonio, his age, appearance. Ignore them, this works perfectly as is. Impressive stuff.
OK, a few nitpicks:
“describe its features” We have been talking/concentrating on the color – not the hair itself, so perhaps ‘hues’ would fit better here?
“rather happily married and sadly” – > “rather happily married but sadly”
You talk of two daughters visiting (together or separately) but then ignore the youngest – as an author, why mention two without some detail of the second?
One discrepency(?), given the character’s names, the wearing of a wig, long stemmed white pipes – ‘pub’ seems out of place here.
“beef on weck” – an anachronism?
“came to be here, that is until ” I’d split this again “came to be here. That is until “
“are in disarray as the other revelers’ are” Clumsy unless “are in as much disarray as the other revelers’”
From this sentence onwards, “But he recoils…”, the he’s are confusing, switching who is being referred to back and forth. A well placed Alexander or Ottonio would solve this.
Very nice work.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent opening line: it’s real and weirdly original.
I am impressed. The motif of Alexander’s hair is perfect. Your handling of the back-and-forth of prose and dialogue is masterful.
An older man coming to terms with his (not so uncommon) fascination with youth and the attractiveness of younger men. You brought this off. Applause.
Please stay on Urbis.
Benjman reviewed Version 1 -
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A few places that are awkward.
“She can’t be bothered to pick up the books or attend…”
I assumed you were talking about the sister, who is the subject in the previous sentences.
“No, rather happily married and sadly widowed”
I still don’t understand what you mean here. Is he married or widowed? Saying he is both is confusing.
“Deliver some paintings…”
This is awkward, maybe “To deliver…”
I like how you link Ottonio’s madness to his art. You have some great descriptions here. I was confused when Ottonio ran away, if he is “obsessed” I would expect him to stay and stare.
LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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-Wow. Well… this is under the short story category, so I am to assume it is a SS. In that sense, it left me unsatisfied. Who is Alexander? A random person the main character is obsessed with-for artistic purposes, or sexual (even though he denies them to himself)?
-In the beginning I felt the main character liked the color of Alexander’s hair, yet in the very last paragraph it is clear he cannot stand it….cannot stand it like he is so obsessed/in lust with the color? Or he literally does not like it?
-For me there are too many unanswered questions for this to be a completed SS…but that is my opinion. I know many SS are like this, leaving the reader guessing, assuming/creating their own versions and endings of the story…but personally I like a story to be wrapped up on it’s own. I would be more interested in this if I knew it were a part of a larger piece; it’s something I would be interested in reading it there were more to it. But of course, the writing was great, descriptions very well done. =)
occupational_hedonist reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the idea behind this and the story. It does feel like it is lacking something. This is a story about obsession and while the core story is there, I still don’t feel the intensity or the emotions of the protagonist. You focus a lot on outside descriptions, but I think this piece could benefit with more introspection, more on the emotions that the main character is feeling. The reader should be able to feel the intensity of the obsession, they should be able to feel it or at least understand how it feels to feel that.
I would love to see some expansion on it. I adore the concept and I think this could be a really good piece. Looking forward to seeing the next draft.
likelytodance reviewed Version 1 -
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There isn’t much of a story here yet. I don’t really feel like we get to see the character at all, in fact I’m not sure I even believe him. You do have a start, a beginning, and even an end, but you need to fill in all the middle. I need to actually see him painting. It’s just skimmed through so quickly that it feels like this is the amount of time that he’s put into painting Alexander. Where did he meet or see Alexander first? Give us a few flashbacks. Let me see how the main character acts with his daughters. We’re told what they say, but not anything else. Create that scenes. You need to have scenes within this. Right now it just floats along and there isnt’ much there to ground this into something real and readable.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was great. It was king of a one person love story. I just liked how he was obsessed with this kid and they way he reacted in the bar was perfect. What I like the most is the way you describe your characters. You didnt do it by saying he had red hair, you made it more complex. The scene in the bar had perfect description of him and his friends being drunken guys.
roguescholar reviewed Version 1 -
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as eloquent as poetry but fluid and easy to read. The description of the red hair flirts with greatness.
this line particularly grabbed me: Old roses or thinning, wine-colored maple leaves pressed between forgotten pages
you have a beautiful grasp of the language.
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