Thank you for the kind words, and the obvious time spent in your review. There is quite a story behind this poem, so I must confess she isn’t a figure of my imagination! You are correct in many of your assumptions, and breakdowns, of this work. However, the partial beauty of this piece (or at least I think it is) lies within the poem itself, and the assumptions the reader must make in an attempt to understand it. Once again, thank you for the review.
Poetry / my scripture (Analysis)
i never grabbed her hand
or lay my head in her lap
during the night bus ride home
nor did it dawn on me
the next stop could be the final
before our departure
i hurriedly wrote scripture
with type “o” ink
to the passing streetlights
unaware if even her bowed head
would catch a glimpse of the words
silhouetted on her windowsill
scrawled on a busy street
they rested at her eye level
ready for her lowered gaze
upon the route she traveled endlessly
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napalm reviewed Version 1 -
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Everything in lower case, nice touch. Adds to the bleakness of the piece. It leaves me wondering who the woman is. Is she an actual person or an abstract piece of the subject’s imagination? Interesting to consider both possibilities. Nice use of language and imagery—”type ‘o’ ink”. Excellent piece.
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Butterflyaway reviewed Version 1 -
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overall, i really had trouble getting it to work for me. the last line i would word it endlessly, upon the route she traveled. i would rearrange the 2nd stanza and put the last line first. i am a developing writer myself and have been trying various methods of writing I am a rhymer and would love to learn different so i cant completely help. I do enjoy the story in it though.
butterflyaway
Michael_Javert reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed your poem. I would like to see more of your work. Your talent is great and leaves me wanting to read more. Very good work.
sehoner reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall it was interesting. The first stanza flows like a song, but there after it gets choppy.
“during the night bus ride home”
Maybe drop “night”.
“with type “o” ink”
At first I thought blood on the windows, but then…
“silhouetted on her windowsill, scrawled on a busy street ”
...I saw a brick wall looking from the inside of the bus to the outside.
“unaware if even (move down) her bowed head
would (to here) catch a glimpse of the words
silhouetted on her windowsill
When you are finished with a piece, read it fast and then slow to work the flow out.
Choppy, but it was nice, it took me in a lot of different directions and that is what keep me interested.
titanicbrittanic reviewed Version 1 -
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I would love to know what makes this story tick; what is behind some of the deeper symbolism and who the girl is. She must be lucky if she isn’t a figure of your imagination LOL.
I like the setting you gave this peace; it is very original and honest. What is lonelier than a bus ride at night, especially with someone else there to reverberate the silence? It builds the mood. Perhaps date the time period you are working on since buses have been a form of mass transport for so long (build a stronger seen to put the two in; I am feeling a late 50’s/early 60’s?)
Yuo have a great imagination as far as a plugging in the symbolism. I assume the street is life and the bus is the way we move around the years and situations? Or is it something even deeper and more personal?
In addition to everything else, I enjoy your stanza setup. A classic trail off of one line after numerous repetitives matches the classic setting.
tommiejoe reviewed Version 1 -
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It feels like it has no end to it. It sounds like it’s missing a big peice of it all, but over all it’s pretty good.
BillRetoff reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure what type “o” ink is. I think the first stanza you should say “I never laid my head in her lap”. Also, I’m not sure about the route she traveled endlessly--is this hyperbole--or is she really traveling it endlessly and if so why? Otherwise, I thought this had good imagery, and flowed well.
I liked it.
nicepunkrocker reviewed Version 1 -
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I almost feel like the poem isnt yet finished like there is more you want to tell. Its going in a good direction but what is the essence of it? Go for that and the rest will come.
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