thank you and no I am not a security guard but I have worked in large banks.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Money Men (Analysis)
Money is not vital it is a nuisance
The foul notes and coin taint everything
But it is not, physically, the fault of
Money Man
In fact has placed too severe
Of a value on wealth
He would do anything and everything
To obtain fortune this is an overrated idea that has
Soiled the
Human Condition
Since it was first conceived
No human has gone
Been untouched by the fever of Money
There is no power greater than a
Rich Man’s Greed
And A
Poor Man’s Need
Here I stand before the structure of greed in a world of deceit, and at first I am intimidate by the sight of it, the thick columns, the long white steps and the golden trim of the wide doors even the light illuminating the interior shines as the Roman stylized roof depicts sculptures and ideas etched in Latin:
Pecunia, si uti scis, ancilla est; si nescis, domina
“If you can use money, money is your slave; if you can’t, money is your master”
I pause to gaze at the hordes of over compensated degenerates flocking through the ever complacent doors of this massive luxurious financial institution. Those words, financial institution, carry so much meaning…
“All of our words do” I whisper to no one.
Financial…concerning money, people who deal with money, leading, loaning, investing, structuring, sharing, paying, extorting, laundering, stealing…all of it is financial.
Institution…you can put you crazed shell shocked uncle who fought in Vietnam in a ‘institution’ or if you decide to become a official man of God the church will invest you into an institution.
If you look at the obvious meaning of the word and focus your attention on the phrase ‘financial institution’ an edifice of money…a temple of studying worship, and an insane asylum.
This is our world and it has been for sometime filled by the dreams of the murdered and ruled by the murderers this structure before me is their place of worship. The men of finance.
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bfpruett reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved the imagery. You gave a good clear view of your opinions ( I sensed anger and frustration) and it read well. The flow was good. I saw one error on verb usage…try “I am intimidated ” instead of “I am intimidate.”
Your work here explains the adage of “money is dirty” and it’s not just dirty in “germs.”
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RemmickDF reviewed Version 1 -
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Good job. Are you a security guard? I liked your take on it. I don’t know really how to review this. It is very evocative.
I liked it.
strawberrydragongirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I am not a professional at this, so sorry if my review isn’t done well. However I really enjoyed reading this. With everything that is going on in today’s America, this really hit home. I loved how you put the Latin phrase in there and ALSO putting the translation. ”If you use money it is your slave, if you don’t it’s your master”. How true is that! I believe you did really well on this. I also liked how you wrote a poem in the beginning. That worked well.
neawaia reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the blogging. Though the only thing I did not understand is what you were standing in front of. Probably coming from another country I dont know landmarks as well, but perhaps you could put its name in or something similar to get the reader to understand. The rest I got not a problem. I tend to agree, but you did lose me in that area of the structure of the building.
Great work though!
polkadot_princess reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very thought provoking and a good debate topic to blog on.
A few grammatical errors I picked up on were, ‘In fact has placed too severe
Of a value on wealth’ Is there a word missing between Fact and Has?. ‘first I am intimidate by the sight’ Should this be ‘intimidated’. ’Roman stylized’ Should this just be Roman Style?.
Some of the language you used was really good I liked the Latin, it was a very nice touch. I love ‘Rich Man’s Greed And A Poor Man’s Need’ It finishes off the first paragraph beautifully and leads nicely in to your next section.
You write strongly and your opinions are brought to life by your words, its a very persuasive way of putting your ideas across.
Static reviewed Version 1 -
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A very solid piece echoing thoughts that I’ve been harboring for a long time. You worded my thoughts far better than I ever could have. I have almost no advice to give or comments to make on this piece except for one minor adjustment: “shell shocked uncle who fought in Vietnam in a ‘institution’” should be changed to “shell shocked uncle who fought in Vietnam into an ‘institution’”. Just some simple grammar ‘house-keeping’.
Other than that, excellent piece
firemaidenphoenix reviewed Version 1 -
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Honest emotion rang clear throughout this piece – a very good thing, considering it is a journal entry. I wonder why the whole thing isn’t a poem? I think it would be worth your time to try to re-shape the whole thing that way. I imagine this would be pretty powerful read aloud. Thanks for sharing.
sehoner reviewed Version 1 -
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Assuming you have been privy to this information all along, wherein lies the epiphany that brought on this plethora of philosophical rantings?
I thought it was great. I am not sure I can critique the actual emotion because-when can you ever?
You are missing a few periods and/or comma’s. You sentences are very powerful and being that-they need to be…a little less lengthy. At times you border on rambling incessantly.
Examples;
“Financial…concerning money, people who deal with money, leading, loaning, investing, structuring, sharing, paying, extorting, laundering, stealing…all of it is financial.”
We understood after the third comma, the rest seemed like just crazy filler.
“This is our world and it has been for sometime filled by the dreams of the murdered and ruled by the murderers(period) This structure before me is their place of worship. These men of finance.”
“If you look at the obvious meaning of the word and focus your attention on the phrase ‘financial institution’ an edifice of money…a temple of studying worship, and an insane asylum.”
I understand your feelings, but when we express those feelings, especially when they are directed to “enlighten” people, we must try to be objective always.
That said in your definition you forgot, “a place of care and rehabilitation”
Thanks.
JJKinni reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it. I think for this to get published you will have to examine the ideas you have deeper. You want the reader to leave with a strong resonation about what they just read. This could have that if you dig deeper and use more ways to show the problems that come along with money. This could be especially effective, because of the capitalist system that we all live. It puts a higher value on financial worth, than other societies and that has always been a negative to capitalism. So i think exploring that would be work doing.
initial_v reviewed Version 1 -
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Well done! This is such a well written piece. The word choice is excellent, but yet not flowery to lose the reader. Usually I like to point out lines or phrases that I especially enjoy in pieces, but there are a number of them in this one. (Save you some credits, which is amusing since this is about money). This is absolutely true, money plays a substantial part of everyone’s lives. The way you describe the bank, the description of ‘financial’ from acceptable to criminal, and the play on institution is brilliant. The only thing I have a concern with is the change in the structure. Can you format it in a way to keep it uniform?
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