Poetry / Final Moment (Analysis)

I like this poem in that it deals well in an overwrought subject.  However, there are some things I’d look into, were I you.

Firstly, there seems to be a quasi-AB rhyme scheme going on here, which is good.  However, its effect is undone because of the absence of a metrical line.  For example, the line “we are near the final days of man” is in almost perfect pentameter (5 beats of two syllables per line) and almost perfectly trochaic, that is there is a strong stress followed by a weaker one that sounds like DUM da, DUM da, DUM da, DUM da (this is the exact opposite sound of the iambic meter Shakespere popularized). Have you any experience writing in form?  It seems like that’s almost your natural proclivity, as a matter of fact.  

Anyhow, if you were to rethink your line in the perameters of this trochaic pentameter, I think your poem would read really nicely.  Similarly, I think this would force you to expand your scope a bit an veer away from some more cliched or generalized concepts that the poem falls prey to once in a while.

Best of luck to you!

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September 05, 2008

by Corruptedstatic

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22	M	SF, CA	November 21

Thanks you for your critique, very helpful and insightful. I do not have any experience with writing form. I simply try to make all the words come out smoothly and nothing forced.

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it’s a very subtle yet powerful piece. the wording is not overly strong or dramatic, but that seems to be advantageous for this piece. it seems to me to be nonchalant wording for a dramatic and intense topic. this, to me, is effective in conveying the proper emotions. good job.

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August 10, 2008

by Corruptedstatic

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157	88.2% (85 votes)	39.7%

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22	M	SF, CA	November 21

Thank you. :)

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Very clear and precise.  Easy to understand, yet brings out many different emotions.  It’s good, don’t think I’d change a thing.

CAT

there’s no need for the double spacing.  

“I am sure that life can deal with the dead.”  you’ve just thrown your rhyme out the window.  why?

i like “We got here and do not recall a thing” a lot.

Although this was very readable and easy to understand, I found it rather bland (as far as figurative language and other poetic techniques go) in all but a couple lines. The language you used was very… Mainstream (used in modern day conversation and slightly lacking in the poetic language department)

However, as I said, this was not the case for the entire poem and the poem itself was an interesting read. I’d suggest working on word choice a little but, other than that, great work

ok…. nice topic. i like how you ended it with “(blast)” it shows the reader that something is happening and it makes it cut off and let the rest trail. making it seem that it all was happening when the speaker was writing it. i liked you dictions and description. great job! :)

very well written, i love the fact that you write not to prove that you know something about what will happen after death but that anything could. the only thing i didnt like about it was the extreme use of the period. it makes for a very choppy read and rhythym. using commas in a few places here and there will definately give the flow an even better feel, and make this piece all the more better. hope to get more from you.

Very revelations and apocalyptic. Good Content. It gets to the point. Very scary and try when you think of it.

Very simple but very captivating.
I love the ending [blast]
I absolutely love that!! Very powerful.