Poetry / Damian (Analysis)

My critism is not in need. It seems to me that if all your other pieces are like this, you are quite a poet! I love the short lines and the every-once-in-awhile rhymes. I don’t know if you are talking about an actual date, or this is just a reflection of you-either one works for me. Keep it up! I want to read more of your writings!  

A lof of profound thought here, which sometimes was almost too profound for me. :)  I couldn’t quite follow all of it, all though I think I got the gist of this.  It seems to be a reference to how fast people get into relationships—almost like an internet dating profile:
Age
Said didn’t matter
Sex
Said it didn’t matter
Group affiliation
Has none, but affiliates with me

And then the rest of it seems to be talking about how the relationship went full speed ahead into sex, which wasn’t good.  Two people not committed and with different outlooks on life.  These seem to be refering to the war in Iraq or some battle:

Everything will soon be realized
And maybe all that blood on the floor
All that blood on their faces
All that blood on the trees
All that blood on the light
All that blood in the sky
All that blood on their homes
Says it will never end
It doesn’t matter

Then the person involved with Damien dreams of going back to a simpler time before they were exposed to Damien:

Dreams of days
Where we all do ring God’s bell
Doesn’t believe time will tell
Just thinks about how time will
be gone
How it’s all gone
A lot was said
We’re going out
Will we be shot
Don’t know yet
Something will get shot though
Not sure what
It’ll all flow soon

Not sure what the “It’ll all flow soon” is referring to—maybe blood?

I like it even though I don’t fully understand it.

“Damien” thought it was going to be about Devil`s child.  Strongly worded, apt descriptions, short worded.  `Have we had sex already yeah wasn`t good` the concept is like a lot of young people today.  They want instant gratification, no such luck unless you are committed, most don`t get that far.  Awesome with a bit of work or not, could be.  Thank you.

It was good but a little hard to follow. I think you should maybe consider a different format. The poem it self and the “story” that it tells is good, and very relatable.

I liked it! It read like a tell all myspace survey. LOL that is not to knock it. I really did like it. I did think the blood lines were a little misplaced they seemed to kind of distract from the rest of the work. They almost didn’t seem to fit with thid piece. If you believe they belong in it then I would try to incorperate them a little better, maybe a line or two before or after to tie them into how “it will never end”. I still liked it ALOT though. It is the kind of stuff I personally enjoy reading

I liked it over all. I think I would have liked a more compelling ending. I’m really a sucker for a strong ending to go out on and here I was sort  of unclear on what I was taking away.

I found this very intriguing.  The style is so…fresh and unique.  Some of the rhyming felt a little off-course, but most of it was fascinating.  I like the repetitive nature, as if the speaker is repeating and answering all the questions being asked.  You never really get a complete hold on the situation, but that’s what’s amazing about this.  It leaves you wondering and applying bits and pieces of this to yourself.  The ring God’s bell, when I first read it, it seems very out of place, but later blends in a little better.  I would think about adding a distinct rhyme that can precede that so it’s not such a shock when you read the ‘hell/bell’ rhyme.  
Overall, nicely done.  

Please clean it up. You sound tired and confused. No one needs to get more of that. If you have something to share, make sure you know what it is. Otherwise take a close look at what is coming out. It seems you need help. If it is a protest sing it is sterong and bitter