All I attempt to do is break through barrier. It important we stand outside the solitary moonway and gaze up at the lemurs who form a circle. Thank you for most illuminating review. I hope you read e-mail I send you soon!
Short Story / The Wild Winter Chords of Transatlantic Discontent
I had never encountered an American before. I had absorbed the clichés… bad at sex, unused to sink plungers, invective towards cabbage… but I was determined to be open-minded when I met Alan Shirt, am American man from the Alaskan state of Missouri. I listened to Bernard Cohen on a walkman while travelling on the 5:30PM train.
Like a turd on a wire,
I have tried in my way to be free…
The music was depressing. I was not fond of this scatological miserablist. Alan was dressed in clothes when I met him. I had turned up naked, and at this he seemed a touch piqued.
“Alan… hello. You like Frasier, no? Laugh at American neuroses? I like HBO and mother’s apple borscht. You want college scholarship?! I asked, scratching a hot wart.
“No, sir-ee! Would y’all like clothes? Yee-haw! Hootenanny pumpernickel! Hot diggity damnation and electric corpses! Hoo-haw! Hoo-haw! Hoo-haw!” he replied.
He appeared to be trapped in a loop. I slapped him until his cheeks abated. We parlez-voused at a fence.
I asked Alan to drop his trousers so I could inspect American penis. I noticed a tattoo of Ted Danson from American sitcom ‘Much Laughter in the Public House’ on his foreskin.
“Yee-haw! I shade in nose in around my ejaculation nozzle! Hoo-haw! Apple pie and titmouse corsets! Football sports soccer underwear ionospheres! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo!”
“You are American, no? I eat penis?” I asked, pouring tomato ketchup on his man gland.
American penis taste like salmonella. I decide to abandon the meal around the middle point of the penis consumption. I looked for a flan I could mock. Not finding one, I went to speak American president Thomas Edison Jefferson Wookie Bugger. He not in so wait in Oval Office.
In there, I phone Arizona. In the conversation we discuss new reforms where all rednecks are allowed to rape science. Then American President come in and disconnect phone.
“We are Americans. We like motorcars, pizzas, fat women and squirrel dangerness. Want to snack on Yank Cock?” he asked, whipping out his presidential member.
“No… I not like US penis. I prefer blue borscht. On the subject of universal sketchiness… can I invoke the prize hucks?”
He declined.
I went back to Omsk the next afternoon.
www.omsktouristboard.ru.net
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tarleisio reviewed Version 1 -
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This reads like an unholy alliance of dada and anarchy of the highest and blackest order – if you’ll pardon the comparison – a bit like “Borat” in reverse, but much further out there, wherever “there” is.
You tear down that great, venerable, elastic edifice of culture (?) known as the English language, and create something else entirely, and even after rereading this five times, I’m still not sure what that “something” is, but - something it definitely, decisively, undubitably is!
Dada! Anarchy, linguistic and un-!
Stop making sense my friend, because life never does and because you dare to defy convention and context – I salute you!
It was the very least I could do!
PS: Jane? You mean the blonde in Accounting, right? ;-)
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Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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unused to sink / unskilled with sink plungers
This piece is self-mocking—it’s steeped in ignorance of American culture while sashaying with delight into topics that are considered taboo by most cultures. By this I am of course referring to castration and cannibalism.
The images of a Ted Danson-tattooed foreskin, the chomping of Alan’s member, the salmonella reference, and the addition of ketchup all combine to make this a revolting masterpiece. I’m not above saying that it’s entertaining, but I’m using this word in the same context that I find elephant dung splattered across a canvas entertaining.
I think it’s hard to be a really good writer or a really bad one. With The Wild Winter Chords of Transatlantic Discontent , you’ve successfully broken through the brick wall of the mediocre. Congratulations!
-Curt
quetita reviewed Version 1 -
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This was incredibly amusing!! I loved all the nonsense and absurdity. When I read the “Notes for Reviewer”, I almost thought they’d be more amusing than the actual piece but I was happily mistaken. For some reason, this piece made me feel like I was listening to a Gogol Bordello song without any music.
streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 1 -
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i don’t really get this as a short story. there are smome funny lines – especially the first paragraph… it totally falls apart for me at the end though… the penis stuff just doesn’t make me ejaculate with laughter… the www address is funny though!
TheWarieFiend reviewed Version 1 -
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This is sureal. It’s just a step far enough away from both ordinary language and manic strangeness to survive. But I feel your meaning and your expression, unless it was perhaps more than simple confusion (or perhaps disgust, the heavy sexual references and aimless feel have that effect) was lost in the jitter of language. Your notes show you’re clearly enjoying this madness. Perhaps you’d like to find a meaning to it.
Harvest reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel ambivalent about your passage. Although it’s very derogative toward Americans, it’s also funny at times, thought not much. This passage is very vague, the characters are elusive, and their situation, again, is very vague.
So to say, that this is not a short story. Not even a flash fiction. I recomend that if you don’t want to work on this further, consider it a piece of humor/satire. However, should you want to develop this further, you must focuse on plot structure. There is very little going on here; there is no concrete conflict other than then narrator meeting an Amercan man. You have to develop a theme that rings throughout with proper characterization in order for this to have any effect on the reader.
Also, include scenes. Everything important that needs to happen, must happen on scene. You have to polish your writing. Grammar and punctuation. Be very clear about everything that you say. The ideas don’t necessarily have to be clear, but the actual mechanics need to.
As for the actual content of you passage, I am reluctant to not shake my head at the prejudice that you seem to have about Americans… But I suppose they well desserve the bashing.
here are a few of the things I want to point out -
when I met Alan Shirt, am American man -—- you mean ‘an American man’
Alaskan state of Missouri. -—- Alaskan state? Missouri is in the south east part of the US nowhere near Alska. I think I might be missing something.
“Alan… hello. You like Frasier, no? Laugh at American neuroses? I like HBO and mother’s apple borscht. You want college scholarship?! I asked, scratching a hot wart. --- This is what I’m talking about. This is vague and unclear. You don’t finish this quote. Use only one punctuaton mark i.e. scholarship! or scholarship?
to speak American presiden---- to speak to the American president…
He not in so wait in Oval Office—- He is not in, so wait in the… (I don’t know if you are poking fun here, but if you are make it so that the reader knows. Right now it seems as if your grammar was shot)
conversation we discuss new reforms—- stay in the same tense. We discussed
Hope this helps
E
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