thank you very much for your helpful review. i have an idea of how i need to shift this around to make it work better, i just need to actually sit down and spend some time with it.
Poetry / winter inside (Analysis)
winter
is a
promise
the ground
can’t
help
but
thaw
it’s
freezing
in there
matted leaves
fallen branches
naked pole
obsolete
bird feeders
took
flight
during a
september
storm
abandoning
and forgetting
who
were
they
holding
seed
for
not for
silent paws
in
black
and
white
stalking
something
backed up
flat
against a
tree trunk
breath held
tense
silent
not the
writhing
handfuls
scooped out
wet
from
under
dense
crisscrossings
of twigs
fragile
rotting
not the
spider’s
web
lacing
the
pine tree
sprig
to the
soggy
stump
the
holly
branches
the leaves
are
drum heads
but
it’s not
raining
the sun
carves out
a space
and
this side
of the tree
is warm
crawl
in
to a
world
cold
but alove
alive
the chill
the gray
quiet
and
decay
breathe in
burrowed
deep
belly
down
the bugs
will
go on
uninterrupted
they’re just
fine
they know
winter
is
an
uncertain
promise
made
with certainty
the
ground
can’t
help
but
thaw
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metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this. I feel that as an artistic tool, you may have used the lack of punctuation well. It leads to some ambiguity in places that cause the reader a moment’s thought.
I also like the premise that winter is a promise that “the ground can’t help but thaw.”
I was unsure what you meant when you said that the leaves were drumheads even though it wasn’t raining. I couldn’t think of anything else that would cause the leaves to make a percussion-like sound.
also, you use the word “alove” and I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean.
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storyspinner reviewed Version 1 -
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I think the title is fine, but could be a bit snappier. As for the no punctuation, that’s not the problem I have with this piece at all. I hardly use any punctuation in my poetry either.
The thing that draws my attention (negatively) is the extremely short lines. It ruined the read for me. I’m sure it’s just a personal thing, but the one and two word lines left this poem with no flow what so ever. It was so choppy, and I had trouble deciding which words went together. If you’re going to go with no punctuation, then you’re going to have to redo those line lengths or do some massive reorganizing where you put your line breaks.
If you feel that the line lengths are critical to your work, then you do need a comma here and there to explain what goes where. For example,
“sprig
to the
soggy
stump
the
holly
branches”
What do the holly branches have to do with the rest of the stanza? They’re like just thrown in there and are unconnected. Did you forget a word? Should it have been “stump of the holly…”?
No matter how excellent your word choice is, if the reader can’t understand how they connect, they’re just random phrases thrown together, and you lose them very quickly.
You’ve got a lot to say. Don’t let something this simple keep people from reading it! I’d love to read more!
wordwan reviewed Version 1 -
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OKAY! I’m not real keen on this one word a line string poem thang. I do short lines, at times, myself, but there is something about the breaks, in this poem, that are getting in my way, reading, comprehending this poem. I couldn’t finish it because of this. Sorry.
Heather
wordwan
DanCan2 reviewed Version 1 -
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First off, there is one line in this that I absolutely love:
the leaves
are
drum heads
but
it’s not
raining
This line is a perfect mix of irony, symbolism, and emotion. It indicates plenty of emotion, as if the very rain is caused by the sadness and rhythmic cry of the leaves. But how can the leaves create sound if it doesn’t rain… The line also relates well to loneliness, like an eager mother waiting for her children to show on thanksgiving day, only to eat dinner alone.
The rest of the poem is good. You’ve done a good job at taking something as comforting and special as winter, and twisted it into a deep pit of emotion and symbolism. Sadly, that’s life and the lives of many people.
And that’s poetry.
This one is getting saved.
Good Job!
Hope to read more.
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought stanza five was the best use of the form/structure in this piece. You have a great story here as well. I think this works, but I think it could work even better with a few changes in some of your choice line breaks and the break up of your stanzas- particularly the ninth one. The mood created with these choppy lines was great. Enjoyable read.
SilverScent reviewed Version 1 -
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You can use a little or as much punctuation as you want. Take e.e cummings for example, he used little or no punctuation. Then, take Emily Dickinson, she made her style by using punctuation in her own unique way. I beleive, if it works for you – it works!
At the beginning I quite enjoyed the short choppy lines, however, as I got into the poem I lost the point of the format. Just for my own curiosity I wonder if you could tell me what you felt the poem was gaining from being set out like that?
Format aside, I enjoyed the poem. I enjoyed the language, description and subtle repetition.
Sorry I can’t help with the title.
Thanks for sharing.
youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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i really really liked some of the imagery in this. its a very obvious topic but you do something interesting with it. i read it twice and felt quite strongly that the very short lines detract from some of the lovely phrases you use. The strong opeining for instacne is broken up and reads better as one or two lines:
winter is a promise the ground can’t help but thaw; who were they holding seed for – has more power together than word by word, and so on
i am not sure why you do not want to use punctuation, what the rationale is. punctuation usually helps the reader, there is enough ambiguity in interpretation without adding to it without a strong sense of design
but really though i want to emphasise the imagery, which is imaginative and thoughtful: i loved, the leaves are drum heads for instance
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