I’d disagree on the to/from comment. Sounds like the character escaped from one orphanage to another. It works.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Prolouge for At the Stroke of Mid-Night. (Analysis)
I lay in my bed,as stiff as a bord.I knew they were there,out side my door,waiting,waiting for me.If I dare move,they might hear me and then they would take me away.They know I know.Every thing.If I told any one what I knew,they might kill me.Now they only want to take me away so I don’t tell any one.The men-at-arms know I wouldn’t tell,but there leader is stubborn and would not listen to me.There is but one among them that has been a friend to me,telling me when they will come to capture me so that I might escape.His name is Danal,the son of my late mothers brother.HE doesn’t know,or else Danal would have been killed already.
Twelve,twelve is the number of orphanages that I have escaped to,and from.Eight is the number of times I have had a knife to my throat.Five is the number of departments in the military that would gladly except my knowlage,but won’t except the fact That I cary it.Fourteen is the number of names I have gone by.And the number of enemy’s that I have,I can not count.I wish Danal could have been here,but has receaved leave and is with his sister and her husband.The only one I can go to now is Aldric the magician.He is the only one who can help me escape.
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shadow_words reviewed Version 1 -
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petal603 reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s hard to get the feel of the story from just the prolouge so I’ll concentrate on grammar and punctuation.
Here are a few notes I made as I read.
I lay in my bed,as stiff as a bord… board
Every thing.. everything
And the number of enemy’s…it’s not a possessive noun: enemies
except my knowlage… knowledge
mothers brother. This is a possessive noun
HE doesn’t know.. never use all caps, even for emphasis.
Make sure you leave a space after a comma and period.
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AstridM reviewed Version 1 -
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From “Twelve” to “I cannot count” is good. It got my attention. It’s interesting, it has some rhythm, and it starts to give us a shape for the character.
Everything else, I can live without. I would honestly say scrap the rest (at least for right now; it may come up later) and focus on those few sentences for your prologue. The best prologues, I think, don’t actually tell you much. They just leave that taste in your mouth and make you want to know more. If you feel that you can’t scrap the rest, at least try leading with “Twelve…” and re-working everything else behind it.
My biggest concerns for your writing is the grammar/punctuation elements. Spellchecking, while not perfect, will help you fix most of those problems.
Keep working at it, and best of luck!
Rikivan reviewed Version 1 -
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If you have a story in your head then go for it and write the whole thing down. You have tons of spelling and grammer errors. Leave two spaces after the period, it is easier on the eye to read. Don’t worry about the grammer at this moment just get the story out.
Try not use the same word like “know” over and over again.
A person does not escape “to” a place; they escape “from” a place.
Keep writing. This sounds interesting.
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