Poetry / Instead of Flowers

You say ‘you’ six times in two stanzas. Find another word.

Essentially, this is what I read:
‘I brought you words.
I crossed them out b/c they weren’t strong enough.
So I wrote them down, here they are.’
That doesn’t follow.

I get what you’re trying to say, but it doesn’t say it.

Unedited, as you say. Scratch out the basics.

Lovely.

I like this a lot because it’s a love piece and it doesnt get cheesy like many of this kind.

The beginning is very strong. I was hooked when I started reading it. However, toward the middle you incorporate some verses that are strained because of the rhyme. For instance:

And let my tale be told

I suggest you work on these, but other than that, it was a good, strong peice :D

Erick

It is perfect. You are excellent at expressing your emotions clearly. It’s very beautiful. I wish I could write poetry half as well as you.

I liked it and understand the roughness of it.  A little more detail or more depth might work better for it.

Your words filled me with a sence of love. I totaly got what you were trying to get across. I’m not realy good at giving people critiques, so you’re going to have to settle with compliments, is that okay? lol