Journal, Diary, & Blogging / A world without (Analysis)

I am at a loss on how to critque this. It is such a personal piece. Ironically, I’m writing this on Memorial Day, on of the days I miss my grandpa the most. he was more like a father to me and so your blog touches home. Not just for me, but everyone who has experienced loss. I was just telling my daughter about him today because I thought it a tragedy that she didn’t know him.

I am sorry for your loss; a loss you’ve put it words we can understand.

i understand the loss of which you write… this is good… allow some time for healing and then look at it again… there are changes you could make to perfect this piece. but wait to do so.

An excellent remembrance of Mom,especially at Mothers Day.Good thoughts and sentiments expressed.Hope is eternal for the meeting on the other side.Where the circle is unbroken.

I think this definately reads more like poetry than a journal entry or blog. It was a lovely piece though. A wonderous lament to the loss of your mother, and the life she had. I would say play with the physical structure of the pice a bit- it might add something to the feel of it. Kind of like this-

A world without my mother
                         on my first Mother’s Day.
I look at a picture,
                    No more laughs, no more smiles for this year.
Who would have thought when I last saw her,
                                           that she would be here no longer
                         only 3 months later?

                                        O that night,
                             That night,          
                              
                               I will never forget.

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May 15, 2008

by dolphine32781

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Great idea!  Thanks for the input.

May 15, 2008

by Elven_Vampiress

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no problem, good luck!

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‘It was not my mother’s eyes I look into,’
Consider changing ‘was’ to ‘is’ or else changing ‘look’ to ‘looked.’

I just recently lost a friend in a car wreck and his mother just celebrated her first Mother’s Day without him. I invited her over so that she wouldn’t have to be alone and we both knew how hard it was. I think that the fact you were able to write this shows strength.
Good writing and good luck.

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May 14, 2008

by dolphine32781

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27	F	Buford, GA	June 17

Yea that has to be hard.  I know it was hard on my grandmother on Sunday as well.

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I’m sorry for your loss.  I understand empathetically.  My wife lost her mother seven days before our son was born.  My mother also is slipping away.  The road ahead is rough, and writing about feelings like this will help.  That’s why I give a 10 for ‘journal, etc. overall’.

As for ‘book of writings’ I’m neutral.  There’s a lot to critique in that regard if poetry is your intended form, as it would seem.  It’s definitely worth revision, when you’re ready.  As a poem though this fails I think to deliver to a wider audience the overwhelming power of the feelings you intend to evoke.  I’d be glad to follow up in comments on why, but I don’t want to tread any further in that direction if that’s not as important to you.  

Again, on a PERSONAL emotional level, you can’t go wrong with this.

First of all… I’m so sorry about your loss. I lost my mother 10 years ago and still miss her every day. This is heartfelt and lovely. The more you write about her the easier it will be to remember her without tears. As far as a critique goes… I feel there is no reason to ever critique someone’s emotions so I’ll just say you … you opened your heart perfectly.

This piece exudes what you were feeling very well.  Which I imagine can only be utter heartbreak.  I imagined losing my mother, having to see her go through a horrible illness, and it brought tears to my eyes.  But, I like how you ended the piece by inserting a message of hope.  Your mother is not fully gone, she is still affecting the lives of you and your family.  And above all she is in a better place.  Truly a beautiful piece about love and loss, something which affects us all.  Thank you for sharing this to us all.