Thanks so much for the review. As months have gone by since she passed, it is getting easier. No longer do I dwell on what I or she is missing, but what I can look forward to.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / A world without (Analysis)
A world without my mother on my first Mother’s Day.
I look at a picture,
No more laughs, no more smiles for this year.
Who would have thought when I last saw her, that she would be here no longer only 3 months later?
That night,
O that night,
I will never forget.
It was not my mother’s eyes I look into,
but just a shell of what she once was.
I miss her terribly.
My daughter will not remember her.
The lady with such life and spirit, now gone.
We all see her
From time to time
In our little ways.
We miss her
And know
Some day we’ll be reunited
With love always there.
My mother
She’s gone
But her stories live on
To tell my daughter
From this Mother’s Day and on.
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black_neon reviewed Version 1 -
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This strikes something within me because it is such an emotionally riveting thing to think about.
I feel as if you gave this more length or maybe journaled a bit more about your mother the lady with life and spirit wouldn’t be as gone as she used to be.
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crayonmustache reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi! I enjoyed your poem. It is very moving and based in love. Having lost a Father I know what it is like to live with such a loss in your heart, only memories to think back to and the things you wish you would have said. I think you are very couragious to share your pain, to make your heart vulnerable. If it is any comfort what helps me is the more family and loved ones who pass away, the friendlier heaven becomes. Thanks for your poem!
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petal603 reviewed Version 2 -
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I am at a loss on how to critque this. It is such a personal piece. Ironically, I’m writing this on Memorial Day, on of the days I miss my grandpa the most. he was more like a father to me and so your blog touches home. Not just for me, but everyone who has experienced loss. I was just telling my daughter about him today because I thought it a tragedy that she didn’t know him.
I am sorry for your loss; a loss you’ve put it words we can understand.
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 2 -
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i understand the loss of which you write… this is good… allow some time for healing and then look at it again… there are changes you could make to perfect this piece. but wait to do so.
Jacamo reviewed Version 2 -
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An excellent remembrance of Mom,especially at Mothers Day.Good thoughts and sentiments expressed.Hope is eternal for the meeting on the other side.Where the circle is unbroken.
Elven_Vampiress reviewed Version 2 -
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I think this definately reads more like poetry than a journal entry or blog. It was a lovely piece though. A wonderous lament to the loss of your mother, and the life she had. I would say play with the physical structure of the pice a bit- it might add something to the feel of it. Kind of like this-
A world without my mother
on my first Mother’s Day.
I look at a picture,
No more laughs, no more smiles for this year.
Who would have thought when I last saw her,
that she would be here no longer
only 3 months later?
O that night,
That night,
I will never forget.
KJEghdami reviewed Version 2 -
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‘It was not my mother’s eyes I look into,’
Consider changing ‘was’ to ‘is’ or else changing ‘look’ to ‘looked.’
I just recently lost a friend in a car wreck and his mother just celebrated her first Mother’s Day without him. I invited her over so that she wouldn’t have to be alone and we both knew how hard it was. I think that the fact you were able to write this shows strength.
Good writing and good luck.
ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m sorry for your loss. I understand empathetically. My wife lost her mother seven days before our son was born. My mother also is slipping away. The road ahead is rough, and writing about feelings like this will help. That’s why I give a 10 for ‘journal, etc. overall’.
As for ‘book of writings’ I’m neutral. There’s a lot to critique in that regard if poetry is your intended form, as it would seem. It’s definitely worth revision, when you’re ready. As a poem though this fails I think to deliver to a wider audience the overwhelming power of the feelings you intend to evoke. I’d be glad to follow up in comments on why, but I don’t want to tread any further in that direction if that’s not as important to you.
Again, on a PERSONAL emotional level, you can’t go wrong with this.
mymommaatelettuce reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all… I’m so sorry about your loss. I lost my mother 10 years ago and still miss her every day. This is heartfelt and lovely. The more you write about her the easier it will be to remember her without tears. As far as a critique goes… I feel there is no reason to ever critique someone’s emotions so I’ll just say you … you opened your heart perfectly.
Emilyw1980 reviewed Version 2 -
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This piece exudes what you were feeling very well. Which I imagine can only be utter heartbreak. I imagined losing my mother, having to see her go through a horrible illness, and it brought tears to my eyes. But, I like how you ended the piece by inserting a message of hope. Your mother is not fully gone, she is still affecting the lives of you and your family. And above all she is in a better place. Truly a beautiful piece about love and loss, something which affects us all. Thank you for sharing this to us all.
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