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Flash Fiction / .spade
IV
,and from here, position fixed
the city was lit a magnificent tone
of electric white, colors fallin’ across a
black bay.
.it was under those chromatic
giants that spade formed existence,
molded from inquiring minds.
.eastside
.the norman fiest building
loose old concrete
early 20s
.endless, a constant stream filling a
sagging doorway, old maple hinged with
pittsburg brass.
it was though this medium, this old
yellowed office, that spade operated,
shuttered by years of clipped headlines
and rapsheet carbons.
.below, streetcorner fareway, amid hustlers
and the ambitious, coffee shops and
hotels of lost eras.
.spade ruffles a cuff, producing
archaic precision.
9.41
.and with that, the days closure.
.out now, swimming through a sea
of taxi cabs, halted men in french gray
and windsores, clasps of european silver
bolstered by thin turquoise
.deep in these confines, austerity
adrift in a sharp atlantic breeze and if
keen, a howl can be heard, called from
wolves of commerce.
.buy ten thousand one would say.
.buy ten million, the other.
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Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
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drbailey reviewed Version 1 -
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Spade,
This felt more like poetry than traditional flash fiction, but screw it, i’m not much of a traditionalist myself. The imagery here is visceral, particularly the descriptions of urban experience and architecture.
One of the tools i’ve found most helpful in writing is pacing, and pacing here is ruled by your line breaks. You may want to pay particular attention to them, should you decide to revise this piece.
The way the piece is currently, one would have to take guesses as to what is being written about. Thats ambiguity, which can be a good thing, but in this case I wasn’t entirely sure what the piece was about.
I really liked ”...hotels of lost eras…”. This is something I think of a great deal while in older cities (DC, Boston, New York). This is especially true of buildings that have been rehabed… so for me this piece was mostly about history of the past and the just recent present.
Hope any of this helps…
D R
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shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I think it’s interesting that at the end of the day he finds himself outside with the hustlers and risk takers. Isn’t what he’s been doing all along? The wolves of commerce are all around, everyhing is all about making money.
I imagined a typical Wall street news reel. One with papers lining the floor and the silence of the room being audible. Everything once so full of life and dire need to make a trade, is now quiet. And when he walks through it, the ghost of the activity is still now eery. But when he steps outside to the city, full of people, all trying to make their dreams come true, it’s somewhat comforting because they’re all trying to be heard in the same way, even if it’s not as blantant.
I don’t know if that’s what you were going for, but that’s the imagery I got from the piece.
I loved it!
poetking reviewed Version 1 -
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this is not bad, but it needs to be more tidy! i know everyone has their own style, but its got to hit you at first glance! this was slightly spoilt because it didn’t hit me, as i would have like. sorry if i didn’t give it the big thumbs up! but i need to tell you how i read it
CourtshipLives reviewed Version 1 -
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stop putting periods in front of your titles. it’s a cool trademark but your shitty work doesnt deserve it
Fresh_Fish reviewed Version 1 -
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This cascade of images flows well and has the slight disconnect of a long goodbye.
This seems to be about progress though and has a poetic feel. Well done.
ashkrafton reviewed Version 1 -
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This was difficult to read. I prefer traditional prose. The artful punctuation got in the way of the words.
Setting and descriptions are lush with mastery of language. Nice image of Wall Street.
Poetic, but not flash fiction.
dreamslost reviewed Version 1 -
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very awesome ability to string randomness into a unified story.
West reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like your concise sentences and how this poem flows like a list. For example: ”.endless, a constant stream filling a/sagging doorway, old maple hinged with/pittsburg brass.”
Some favorite images include: “colors fallin’ across a/black bay” “chromatic/giants that spade formed existence” “shuttered by years of clipped headlines/and rapsheet carbons.”
I also think the ending (the last three stanzas starting with ”.out now”) is quite strong.
I wish I could give you more of a critique but I feel like this poem is complete, so I don’t have much in the way of criticism, good job.
(My rating for Attract an agent is a little lower than the rest of the ratings because this poem isn’t very mainstream, and though in my opinion is very good doesn’t quite feel like it has the maturity of a poem in a book of poetry, but almost that of something in college. Like a poem that is helping discover something about the author’s own style. Though I could be completely wrong on that.
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