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Haiku/Senryu / Streets Of Gold
Immigrant nation
relinquish old tradition
embrace heritage
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Awonderfulworldofwrittin reviewed Version 2 -
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Honestly this is great.
But I don’t think the title fits, unless you view it in a deeper sense.
One American treasure is the diverse population, which rarely any country has.
And maybe that is why the streets is filled with gold.
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filbert reviewed Version 2 -
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You work is—2008
Creates thought…yes
This embraces the very essence of what it is to be alive
Harold_P reviewed Version 2 -
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Very clever senryu about the mutating nature of our cultures. The first line cleverly look to the past, while the last line looks to the present with an optimistic kick.
unusualgirl0 reviewed Version 2 -
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It seems contradictory—in releasing the old, aren’t they also reliquishing heritage? Maybe that’s what you’re going for, but I was confused.
catherinespark reviewed Version 2 -
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Great. Really evokes the changing of civilisation! Like the wheels are in motion dawning a new age!
RedBarchettaDrive reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good.
In my mind’s eye, I need to see something smaller, like a snapshot of a moment.
This really don’t show me something, rather dictates or tells me. I wanna see something.
It is good in the aspect that it clings to the 5 7 5 rule. I suppose this would be a senryu, no?
ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 1 -
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An excellent and innovative senryu. I know some insist that haiku/senryu MUST come from direct personal experience. I tend to think ‘probably should’ rather than ‘must’, but this shows why we shouldn’t be too strict about such things. In this case the experience of being an American is identical to the idea of being an American.
Rhythmically and in terms of sound and structure I find this to be a particularly tight piece. Likewise on the level of deeper meaning, it’s tight. I find the title essential as it places line 2 in context. Trading for what? Streets of gold. Likewise, that could be positive or negative depending on whether or not you read the title cynically, based on your own politics and experience. Just as it should be.
A ten from me, and not just because you’re my ‘friend’ again.
mollyp reviewed Version 1 -
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How well you put into words the world we live in. Splendid!
tunnelwalker reviewed Version 1 -
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My favourite verse form.
Although I prefer the traditional 5-7-5 format, I enjoy all versions.
I find that trying to encompass the whole meaning of the verse/subject in very few words a big challenge.
I liked this senryu.
wagedomain reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice social commentary, you found a nice way to say a lot in a small space, which is exactly what haiku is all about. You obviously have a talent for being thought provoking.
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Version 2
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