Haiku/Senryu / farm

i’m no poet, but i like this… visual and tactile at the same time…very nice…

Very entertaining. It evokes a family memory from long ago.

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May 09, 2008

by marebarr

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
48	94.1% (17 votes)	36.7%

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48	F	Ipswich, MA	November 03

exactly. thanks for the comment.

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You followed the standard haiku structure well, but I saw a lot of problems with the piece.

I really don’t know where you are going with this haiku. The first line really threw me – what do donuts have to do with a farm? Dunkin’ Donuts or doing donuts in a car?

I liked the second line because it was very tactile. I could relate to this line. But I didn’t understand the link with the farm.

You could make the haiku a little clearer.
As I don’t understand what is starving to see you, or why there are donuts specifically mentioned?
A little tweaking and this could be a catchy piece.

Hmm… it felt like three haiku melded together. Each line seemed disjointed from the previous one. Although you do tie in “doughnuts” with “starving” so this isn’t too bad. I felt the second line was too generic, it didn’t really evoke the beach for me, and in the first line you seemed to be placing us on a farm… so I was confused, I’m afraid.

the donuts and the starving work well as a linking image.
with haiku it’s imperative to include as much meaning as possible into such a small area, and i think you have done this well.

simple, technically correct and nice subject matter. this poem is evocative without going over the top. it would be interesting to see what image this conjures in the various readers.

well done.

Nice.  Made me smile…

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May 09, 2008

by marebarr

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
48	94.1% (17 votes)	36.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	F	Ipswich, MA	November 03

thanks, that is the point

May 09, 2008

by marebarr

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
48	94.1% (17 votes)	36.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	F	Ipswich, MA	November 03

thanks, that is the point

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I think I remember Haiku.

But I never heard of Senryu.

Short and sweet.

Too the point?  I believe so.

I wish I can go on.

I’m trying to piece it all together.  Donuts at the farm, sand down the drive and walking in the pond and walking down drive waiting for a glimpse to see you since I and starving for a look at you.

I don’t know if I am right.

But truly enjoyable.

Thanks.

Continued Success.

I can connect the idea of “donuts” and “starving to see you” but I don’t understand how the middle line connects.

It’s far from clear to me what donuts, sand, and loneliness have to do with farms.   I don’t even know how to suggest improvements, when I don’t even know what message you’re trying to convey.