Poetry / Defiance;Perfection (Analysis)

It was good.I don’t know what it needs,seeing as I am a beginner but mostly it’s good to me.

i love a lot about this piece but i honestly wouldn’t call it poetry. i’d recommend restructuring it as a short story, retaining a lot of your poetic language because you have a talent for it, and adding more detail + a plot line with characters, concrete events, etc., to make it easier to digest. there are details in your wording that need to be worked out too.

line by line critique: (considering ends of lines to be where you obviously intentionally broke them up)

L1/2
- spelling error: sequence.
- this beginning could also be way more captivating, although i like the feeling of dreaminess/nostalgia that i get reading it.

L3
- i like your concept but your wording is so awkward! “lacking reality”

L4
- it’s should be its.

L5
- would prefer a rewording of this – “We lifted our feet to take a step farther and never set them back down.” i think it’s more concise, but it’s up to you.

L6
- you just said “we were all rising” so it doesn’t really make sense that you’re just “considering” that everyone on the planet is ascending.
- “though the sanity…” phrase is awkward/unclear also.

L7
- it’s should be its.
- i really like this first sentence but would prefer “was just barely, but surely, letting us go.”
- i’m not sure about butterflies form a congregation “deep down”? am i missing something?

L8
- your first sentence here is a fragment, disobeying grammatical rules you tend to follow in the rest of the piece.
- the use of two “how”s in the next sentence is offsetting. this is lovely though.

L9/10
- “white fluffy wonder” doesn’t provide a specific enough image for me/doesn’t make me feel clouds!!! needs to be more original. i love the other images in this section though.
- “it was beauty” is too trite, sorry.
- i think you mean panic, not manic.
- since this was an event you obviously never expected, i would switch “i did expect” to “i would have expected.”

L11
- this is almost perfect, although again, i’d change the punctuation to eliminate the sentence fragment of “how it rises up…”
- untill should be until
- not sure about the purpose of the last sentence

L12
- i’d put “just” long enough to see the stars since you just said you only barely crossed in.
- i like the concept of tiny suns but i think the way that you worked it in was too contrived.
- “illuminating it brightly” is redundant/doesn’t provide a striking image. how did you react to it? how did it feel?
- why do you switch into present tense here? this should be corrected, it definitely threw me off.
- “so i smile…” is a sentence fragment.
- “it’s still there inside” is too vague, the only reason it’s understandable is that it’s a cliche.
- i love the last sentence.

L13
- i’d change “the ones falling” to “the ones moving” b.c. 1) you never suggested that anyone else was falling so it doesn’t make sense to correct this by saying you’re the ones falling and 2) it becomes clear that you’re falling in the next sentence. aside from that, this sentence is very nice
- i really like the comparison of sensation to sand in an hourglass.
- “i can feel it inside…” 3 “feels” in one sentence! not good! show how you’re feeling with imagery instead of telling.
- “as if the sun…” another sentence fragment.
- i don’t like the last two sentences, they do too much telling and don’t make me feel anything and seem juvenile.

L14 – nice finish.

good job! thanks for writing this, it filled me up with positive energy.

i really liked the feel of this poem. the whole dream landscape but the end is lacking for me.