no problem. it’s about a person who learns bits of his/her neighbor’s life through the noises he makes. the morning he sings in the shower. during the day, instead of working sometimes he smokes pot and listens to loud music. nights he has multiple sexual encounters, one didn’t end well. the fifth stanza is unknown, could be he’s a drug dealer, gambler, owes someone money: whatever it is, the person wants to ruin his life. the last stanza plays off the 5th stanza. the person doesn’t know if the neighbor died, moved out, is on vacation or what. just a way to show that perception can be severely limited in what’s going on. also shows when a nosy neighbor finally becomes concerned, but it may be too late…if that helps.
Poetry / Paper Thin (Analysis)
These walls are paper thin.
My neighbor tests them daily.
On mornings he showers,
and usually sings something off key.
Days that he should be at work,
he plays Jimmy Hendrix with too much bass.
The scent of marijuana permeates throughout the halls.
A few nights a week a voice will be calling his name.
The sound of it changes occasionally.
Some time ago, two voices heard one another.
They both began calling his name in anger, along with a few expletives.
Every week a loud pounding finds his door.
Every week it gets louder.
Once it was followed by a forceful thud and a shout.
Afterwards my neighbor began to wail,
alongside a rhythmic pounding and a rhetorical “why?”
Yes, these walls are paper thin.
But I’m worried…
My neighbor hasn’t tested them in weeks.
[2006]
-v-
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crimsonarchon reviewed Version 2 -
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TirzahLaughs reviewed Version 2 -
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I like a lot of this.
It would sound better to the ear if you change throughout to through. It may be more correct your way but it sounds better without the out.
‘Will be’ is weak. It would sound better as “A few nights a week, a voice calls his name’ Will be weakens your line.
‘Two voices heard one another’—is a bit confusing.
Second to last stanza is your build up to the big finish. The last three lines are stronger than the first two but it works mostly.
You don’t need “but i’m worried” in the end, the reader will get the inference from the other two lines.
I liked this a lot. It has a story but it isn’t over done. The wording is great, especially the start. It just needs a tiny polish.
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bandcupid04 reviewed Version 2 -
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the more i rated, the more i was confused by this story. if you could, could you tell me what it’s about just so i know? i feel that it’s about not being able to jump into someone elses life, but what is threatening the neighbor? im not sure if i SHOULD be amused….but overall, it was touching to me :) like you want to jump in and help…who knows, i could be getting it all wrong though.
rrjs reviewed Version 2 -
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Greetings
Ignore the ratings as I find them less than useful. Second Stanza Try a different word than “on”. “Most” would work. Fourth stanza replace “heard”, “overlap” or “challenged” would work. Fifth stanza replace “once” “finally ” or “then” would work. Clarity and gramatical correctness would be the reason for the changes. There are of course other possible choices that might express your meaning better. Nice poem.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this, the overall idea and the twist at the end are superb, but it’s got some rough edges to it. The second line where you say ‘daily’ leads the reader to believe it’s up to this very day (though I know that’s not how you meant it), so I would rearrange it to something a long the lines of ‘my neighbor finds ways to test them’. It wouldn’t sound like you were contradicting yourself by the time the reader gets to the last line. The line ‘They both began calling….expletives.’ you could shorten to match the staggering of the rest of the piece to ‘Coupled with expletives, they called his name in anger.’
Overall, I love the last part, think it’s a nice way to get the reader involved in the piece, and people can relate to it. Nicely done.
jwmurray reviewed Version 2 -
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I am sorry, but there seems to be something missing. Maybe you can read it and find more to add to it. ie; Is the neighbor gone or has something happened to him. If he has moved, is there a new neighbor to test your walls?
tisha reviewed Version 2 -
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Great work. I got a really good laugh out of this poem. There were no errors that I could see. I am adding this one to my faves.
ajanon reviewed Version 2 -
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I am impressed with your writing. I cannot find a lot of fault here but then I lack the ability to critically analize. I am wondering about the set of the stanzas and their arriangement. They flow well, the last stanza being set in three lines is my question. If you make it a two line stanza, substituing line 3 for line two. and making another stanza beginning(a last line read),
“But im worried.” It adds to the concern.
Nice poem and I gave it overall a 9 clarity 10 and amuse 8
Roo reviewed Version 2 -
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As this is my first review and that i’ve never done it before, as an reader, when i got to the end, totally grabbed my attention. I wouldnt be able to give it the proper ‘constructive criticism as far as how it should be presented, but it did give me the impression of ‘what happened?’ I am dying to know if the neighbour was killed, died of a heart attack, or was arrested or evicted. I had to read it over a few times to figure out what was happening in the early stages, but that ending was the best part for me as a reader.
I loved that.. ‘But I’m worried…
My neighbor hasn’t tested them in weeks’
I’m dying to know what happened.
Roo
HipStar reviewed Version 2 -
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Great story teller!
I could actually see what I was reading.
Great imagery and description.
I loved the ending.
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