I’m a man now
Strong in my completion
Scared shitless and
Shirtless in the cold wind and rain
Skinless from the stains of mercy
Embarrassed and repressed
On hold sitting on the telephone type of void
Listening to myself breathe into the receiver
Totally stressed
Listening to a instrumental version
Of Wind Beneath My winds
Trying to divert my attention
Away from the point in the first place
Wondering if the next operator
Will speak English
If I will be able to decipher his or her
Hidden message of extortion
Stricken with a vocal smile
Read from a computer screen
Some mistaken misrepresentation of
Digital happiness
When the caller clicks over to answer
The revealing questions
Or I guess it’s the answers that reveal
And at your mercy to keep on the electricity
As the phone goes dead from a lack of payment options
Who
What
When
Where
Did I forget that you don’t care
Did I forget the lessons
Did I tell the truth to my mother
When she asked for some type of clue
Some way to help me
And hold me
In a detached womb of worries
Cut the cord
Stretch the truth
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Not sure if you’ll find this remark positive or not; these words read and feel similar to how I write so I suppose I’m biased in saying I enjoyed this.
The first verse and its flow stood out to me.
Overall I can relate to being caught up in the novelties of the day while other thoughts, ideals, etc. dwell buzzing about one’s brain.
I get the phone metaphor but after many readings I am still confused about the rebirth and mother connection – other than the vivid “cut the cord” image. Sorry, I just need some explanation.
This poem showed strength, but at the same time compassion for everyday things. Sometimes we take for granted the simple things in life, or the things we are used to having. The phone thing threw me off, until I read on and I know how disconcerting losing your electricity can be. Your poem was a superb writing, and is well worth being published.
I loved this. Your word choice was concise, sharp, and extremely well chosen. The way you describe your ideas is outstanding, and the pictures you painted with the words you chose were vivid and remarkable. Your subject could have been dreary and whiny, but ended up miles away from there.
Your form seems fine, and your line lengths are consistent, and really lend themselves to what you’re trying to say.
I’d love to read more!
It was going great until the last chunk of words. The second half is very hard to understand and doesn’t flow anywhere near as well as the first section did. Consider going back and reworking it so that it not only makes sense, but says everything that you need it to say.
At first I believed that this was about aging, given the title. But as I read this, to me this meant like being on the phone and waiting forever on hold. Maybe I’m taking this literally and not figureatively.
There is so much to like about this. ”Instramental version of Wind Beneath my wings” love that. The sense of both frustration and expection, desperation and need. You have some lovely turns of phrase here.
Small issues:
‘Shirtless in the cold wind and rain’ I’d pick wind or rain, both seems too much when tagged with shitless and shirtless.
I know what you mean but the sentence about being on hold and SITTING on the telephone while you breath into the receiver is very confusing to read.
The end with the switch to your mother seems almost out of the blue. I know you are running a parallel that the confusing and anxious expection that feel waiting on hold is the same she felt with her commuication with you. However, that connection isn’t clear enough for me. The poem still feels a bit
incomplete.
This work has much to recommend it. An interesting read!
Well, you ask for a critique. As poetry goes it is in the opinion of a non academic (me) a wonderfully piece. From the perspective of the Phone Co.s you slander and skin salamanders, as a rant one of the neatest I have come across. Your metaphors and implied discontent, ie; “telephone type of void” and “mistaken representation of Digital happiness” not to mention, “Skinless from the stains of mercy.” I don’t see you improving anything except you empty glass of wine.
Well done, wish I had written it.
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