Sci Fi & Fantasy / Juunigatsu Ame: Chapter One (Analysis)
Chapter One:
Sweet Release
Kirsa rested her back against a tree. Her sword pierced the soft ground between her outstretched legs as she set her chin on the hilt. The metal cap on the end was cool on her skin, a welcome feeling to her heated, sweaty face. Her breathing was hard and her limbs shook slightly. She gave the person responsible for her predicament a glare as he stood over her, smiling mockingly.
“You really should train more on your own,” he told her mockingly. She gave him her best death stare, twisting her neck to be able to look up at him. He was tall, much taller than she was; being on the ground didn’t help matters much. He sat down beside her. “Don’t want you breaking your neck before the day is over,” he muttered sarcastically.
“Maybe you should try to keep your students alive,” she growled. Her hand disappeared under her golden hair as she rubbed the back of her neck. He smirked at her.
He prodded her with the scabbard of his sword. “If you would try to stay alive it wouldn’t be so hard.” She grabbed the offending item and pulled it out of his hands, or tried to anyway. A master swordsman would not be disarmed that easily.
Kirsa grabbed hold of the tree and pulled herself to her feet. She wobbled for a moment before righting herself fully. Her face was pale but she refused Ryuu’s helping hand as he hopped up next to her. She watched his relaxed movements jealously. If only she could have as much energy after a training session.
“Let’s go,” she grumbled after a few more moments of catching her breath.
“I’m sorry, what was that?” he asked with a grin. He pointed to his ear.
“Let’s go,” she growled louder.
“I still can’t hear what you.”
“I’m ready to go train more!” she shouted at him. He smiled and set back on his heels.
“You didn’t have to shout, m’dear. Just talking would have been fine.” He ignored her angry look. “Well, we don’t have all day.” He smiled at her and she for a moment she wondered if she really did have a death wish. Who would choose to learn under this psychopath?
He’s the best of the best, she reminded herself. He’s still insane. Well, yes, he was slightly crazy but other times he could be perfectly serious. Nobody saw it much but when it came out he was very authoritative. She glanced at him. His curious look made her flinch.
“Day dreaming again?” he asked. He didn’t wait for her to respond.
“Time to train!” he said cheerfully and began a brisk walk back towards the training compound. Kirsa followed, grumbling and uttering minor curses under her breath, clutching her cramping side.
“He’s still insane,” she mumbled.
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This is rather good, though short. I like how you describe the scene and show your reader the relationship that is built and building between Kirsa and Ryuu. The only thing that I would ask for is for you to show that Ryuu is insane, rather than only telling your reader. I know that this piece is short and was intended to be, but it left me wondering why Kirsa says that. Is it just that he is such a hard teacher? If that’s all there is, why would Kirsa, obviously a warrior, say something like that? Other than that, plotwise this is engaging and drew me in.
Grammatically, I noticed one thing that didn’t sit well with me…
“pulled it out of his hands, or tried to anyway.” This doesn’t work for me. Either she did pull the scabbord out of his hands, or she tried to. She can’t do both. That’s an easy fix though.
All in all, this is good work. I enjoyed it and if you post anything else on Kirsa, please let me know. I’d definitely be interested in learning more about her and Ryuu.
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